When did you feel ready to date again?

[Freeda3]

My 4.5 year relationship ended 18 months ago. I was really hurt and heartbroken at the end - he turned into a cold fish and said he'd never been in love with me. The way I'm feeling now, I'll never get into another relationship again and would find it hard to trust someone to be honest about their feelings, have no interest in dating. Is this likely to pass after more time?

Sorry to hear this. I would have said wait at least three months but as you already have, maybe counselling might help you process it.

Well if he never loved you, you're better off without him. This likely has nothing to do with you though, he might just be incapable of love, and he has to live with that. You however have capacity to form attachments, so in the long run, your life will be more enriched. It is hard though, there are a lot of fakers out there. It's a minefield to spot the signs, so you do have to take your time before declaring any feelings, so you can spot the signs.
I'm sure you've gone over things ad nauseum, we all do, but by doing that you're also learning the pitfalls, which will make you wiser.
You'll know you're over it when you feel like you've learnt all you can, don't need to think about it anymore and can be pragmatic. Not every man is a doosh, sometimes people get lucky, but just as often, people have had to deal with a lot of wrong ones along the way to happiness, the trick is to bin these off rather than clutching on too long.

@Opentooffers "Well if he never loved you, you're better off without him. This likely has nothing to do with you though, he might just be incapable of love."

Yes, I had been speaking to a counsellor and this is what she said also, and I know I'm better off now- I'm over the heartbreak stage but just can't see myself in a relationship again.

I think when you meet someone you fancy, or someone that inspires you, or that has qualities you like. It can happen sooner or later.

You don't have to be in a relationship. You can just get to know people and enjoy their company. It can be just seeing what works for you, whether friendships with women or men.

Yes, this does pass over time. I understand how it feels x

Honestly, I was ready to 'date' after about a year or so.

But it took 10 years fro me to he ready for a relationship. Not because I had any residual feelings for him - they'd died a long time before my relationship ended, if they'd ever been there at all.

But I wasn't ready to make compromises for another person, or accommodate another person or even just let another person in for 10 years. I did do and I couldn't be happier but I wasn't ready for it before now. I even tried once or twice but I just couldn't do it.

When I came out of a 4 year relationship, I didn't start dating until after a year. Things didn't end badly, but I just became disillusioned with the concept of relationships and how they can be so perfect once upon a time, and then the feelings just disappear.

I didn't set myself a timeline or anything like that. I just simply spent time by myself, getting to know the person I was without him, and just building my life and becoming strong and independent. Then one day, I met someone at work who I really got on with and it all happened organically and naturally.

I've never been one to be actively dating. Just enjoy your life, socialise, meet new people, and it's just a bonus if you happen to meet someone who you want something more with.

So yes, it all passes in time. I know it doesn't feel like it right now. I genuinely thought I would never ever date again as it was such a waste of time in my opinion. But I'm out of that headspace now. Completely.

I’ve been single 5 years and still haven’t dated, haven’t met anyone whose not dated in so long though most people it’s a year at most

Thanks everyone, good to read different perspectives.

My husband left in 2019 and I still don't feel ready to date seriously.

I've been out with a few guys but I'm just not interested in hearing men bang on about themselves anymore. I've lost all faith in love and can't see myself being in a relationship ever again tbh. It does make me sad sometimes as I'm only 43 and never thought I'd end up like this :(

I'm only a few years older than you but feel exactly the same - just can't see myself getting into another relationship either.

@Freeda3

It depends what you want out of a romantic relationship. What is it that you want?

3/4 years ago I was desperate for a family, I went OLD between the ages of 36-38/39 and it was utterly soul destroying, even though I met and had two nice relationships off an app however ultimately we weren't compatible. After a lot of consideration and "reframing", I'd decided to go solo and have a child with a sperm donor.

Almost a year later, I'm now thinking how a relationship would at this stage be a complexity, comprise and accomodation I'm not willing to make for someone. I'm no longer looking to "build" a life with someone, I have my family. I genuinely thought I'd never feel like this but I do now, it's strange because I've spent most of my life being in a couple than single and now with my child being the focus of my attention, there is little headspace for dating (if there was someone worth it), and I'm afraid of making a mistake in who I let into his life.

Why does it matter to you? It's a bit like 'I saw a bad film, and now I don't fancy going to the cinema... will it ever come back?'

Might do, might not. No problem either way.