Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Would you date a man who says this about his ex?

22 replies

Nomoremonies · 02/09/2022 16:22

I’ve been seeing a lovely guy and we recently got on the topic of exes. He said he feels overwhelmed at the end of hi relationship, he still feels like he’s grieving it in some ways and he feels like he’s lost his friend… he then insisted it’s a natural thing to feel about an ex.
my question is would you continue dating this man

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 16:26

No. I wouldn't. It's one of those situations where, for a couple of dates, it probably wouldn't be an issue but would you want to be 3, 6 months down the line and with someone who feels like that?

How many threads have you read on here when there was a similar issue early on but the woman overlooked it because it was 'early days' but it ended up blighting their relationship. And not just this, anything that 'didn't seem too much of am issue' at the beginning.

dohelome · 02/09/2022 16:54

It's ruining my marriage. Ten years on he's still bitter. Move on

Original poster

Nomoremonies · 02/09/2022 16:56

He also said he sometimes sits and thinks he doesn’t have her anymore

OP posts:

Londono · 02/09/2022 17:02

He is not over her. He needs to process that before he starts dating. You are not his counsellor.

DrawingdowntheMoon · 02/09/2022 17:06

No, this chap isn't ready for a relationship yet.

Lozzerbmc · 02/09/2022 17:07

It just doesn’t sound like he’s ready for a relationship yet

Esra09 · 02/09/2022 17:12

This is almost identical to my last relationship. He was honestly an angel but he would say things here and there.. we spoke about it a few times cos he did suffer a bad break up - but we all have. I later said 'yea we're not talking about her anymore'. And tbf he didnt. But not cos HE didnt WANT to, because i asked. Like when someone only buys you flowers after you say 'you never get me flowers'.. he feels how he feels and its crap for you.

we had a pleasant relationship but the seeds had been planted and eventually we broke up over it.

i wish i used my logic rather than feelings in the first few weeks when it happened, rather than try and see the good in him and look past an issue that only grows as the feelings do..

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 17:17

an issue that only grows as the feelings do

That's such a good way of expressing it.

Surtsey · 02/09/2022 17:23

To be honest it's a lot better than him telling you all about his ridiculously demanding crazy ex and how he hates her guts for ruining his life.

He is at least being honest about his feelings. Whether you want to play second fiddle to this image on a pedestal is up to you though.

Sandra1984 · 02/09/2022 17:30

Yep, he’s not over her. He probably believes that by dating other women (you) he’ll forget her.

It doesn’t work that way I’m afraid. I wouldn’t invest on this guy.

GreenManalishi · 02/09/2022 17:32

He's not over his ex. Not a good start, I'd leave him to work that one out.

Esra09 · 02/09/2022 17:32

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 17:17

an issue that only grows as the feelings do

That's such a good way of expressing it.

Honestly. This terrible experience made me learn if someone says it out loud, imagine how loud it is in their head. I brushed it off at first but i wish to god i didnt go against my gut cos yes it was a bit hurtful at the start but as i fell in love, those comments consumed me 😭

DillDanding · 02/09/2022 17:33

No. He’s not over his ex yet, possibly still in love with her. Sod that.

HandbagAtDawn · 02/09/2022 17:34

Would I date a man who kept telling me he wasn’t over his ex?

No.

Asterales · 02/09/2022 17:35

@Esra09 has it right. Just cut your losses with him now before you get more invested and the issue that's a tiny crack now grows into something that undermines the foundations of your relationship with him.

AdoraBell · 02/09/2022 17:39

No. As others said, he’s not over her. He won’t/can’t move on until he gets over her/the relationship.

Move on yourself and find someone not still in a relationship in his head.

dworky · 02/09/2022 17:42

No, he's fallen at the first hurdle. No coming back from that, I'm afraid.

raindon · 02/09/2022 17:44

He's not even remotely over her. Why is he telling you all this? You are not therapy.

Thistooshallpass. · 02/09/2022 21:01

I wouldn't - he's not over her at all but like most men think the answer is to find a replacement rather than processing what's happened . Don't let yourself be used . You can bet if she wanted him back he be gone .

catandcoffee · 02/09/2022 21:03

Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2022 21:04

Nope. Definitely not.

AuntieStella · 02/09/2022 21:18

What sort of relationship are you looking for: therapist or romantic partner?

If the former, then this is an ideal candidate

If the latter, time to back off until he's properly over it.

Flip