What is the point? Really?

[CuriosityKillsEverything]

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months. It's the longest, happiest and best romantic and sexual relationship I've had.

But I'm struggling.

I have two children (amazingly!) early twenties and late teens.

I'm not sure I'm cut out for relationships. We love each other but I can't see the point of the relationship. Its unlikely we'll live together, neither of us want any more children. I'm not sure I want to ever marry.

I'm not pretty, I don't have a great body - his exes have been slimmer than me and had bigger boobs. I prefer my own company so only have have a few friends. I'm not domesticated, I'm a bit lazy if truth be told. I don't exercise. I'm getting older and I'm beginning to both look and feel it.

I can't really see what he gets out of being with me. I can't see what he sees in me.

I can't see the point of it tbh 😕

This is nothing to do with the relationship and everything to do with your self esteem issues.

He obviously DOES want to be with you, or he wouldn’t be with you. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

There are two questions really.

what do you get out of it? If a lot, go on. If not much…..
what does he get out of it? That, you will never know. He may tell you, of course, then you will have to work out if you believe him.

YoSofi

No. I haven't spoken to him. I couldn't. What would I say?

All he can do is confirm that everything I've said above is true but it doesn't bother him. Talking to him won't change the facts. And, tbh, there's a little bit of me that likes to pretend he hasn't noticed those things.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen

What am I supposed to get out of it? He's kind and supportive. But I don't 'need' either of those things. He's a good cook but I can cook for myself. He does my garden which, admittedly, I can't do but I used to pay someone to do it. He does most of the driving but I've always driven myself everywhere.

I love falling asleep next to him but his snoring wakes me up.

He's good company and he makes me laugh but I've always managed without those things.

Surely it comes down to whether or not you enjoy his company?

I do enjoy his company.

We're going out this evening with one of very few friends. He is bringing another friend along who I've never met before but heard a lot about. My friend talks about her often and describes her as someone who men fall in love with and adore.

How can I compete with someone like that?

You're not obliged to be with him any more than you're obliged to play tennis or eat yoghurts. If you don't see the point, then don't do it. If you enjoy it, then do it.

What's your actual question?

Why do you want to compete with anybody? Do you think you're in a game?

Those other women were so fucking amazing, yet they are all ex's. Perhaps not so perfect then.

You. Are. Overthinking. This.

Enjoy each other and just relax. Let life just happen and see where it goes.

I don't know what my actual question is really.

I just know that I'm finding being in a relationship really difficult.

He's not doing or done anything wrong. I feel he deserves better. I feel I can't add anything to his life that he doesn't already have. So I wonder why he is with me.

I can't bear the thought of being settled for. I'd rather be ony own forever than woth someone who settled for me.

I know things he finds attractive in women - a particular accent or a particular talent and I don't have those things. I can't make it make sense.

I'm getting older and I'm beginning to both look and feel it.

So is he, op. Lots of people form a deeper appreciation for what really matters as they get older. Perhaps he has.

Why do feelings have to make sense to you? Do your own feelings always fit in with your thoughts and your logic?

I see them more as being like the weather. All we can do is observe, enjoy, and ensure that we are adequately protected when things get rough. Even with our own emotions.

He clearly really likes you.
You feel that you aren't worthy of him, unless I'm totally misreading this.

You really need to get to know yourself. Sounds like you're quite fabulous, but you're missing that part.
You actually deserve an outstanding partner who prioritises you.

I don’t mean this to sound like an insult - but to me you sound menopausal.

You feel that you aren't worthy of him, unless I'm totally misreading this.

I can't work it out. I think a lot of it is this. I've only had really short, crappy relationships in the past with men who always found fault and wanted me to be something other than I was. He isn't like that at all and told me the other day that I'm everything he's ever wanted and he can't believe his luck that we're together but it feels disingenuous somehow. He said that his number one priority in life is making sure I'm content. Not happy- not showering me with gifts and compliments or treating me 'like a princess', just making sure I never have reason to doubt him, or feel insecure or whatever. But I still do.

I don’t mean this to sound like an insult - but to me you sound menopausal

I probably am tbh. It's not an insult.

I've been on my own for so long as well though. Even when I've been dating someone previously, I've still thought of myself as 'single' because I knew it was jut passing the time and not serious.

I can't imagine being in a long term relationship. I've got no idea what they look like day to day.

Aquamarine1029

I suppose i feel like I can't "compete' (for want of a better word) with his memories of the past. I feel he's always looking at me and remembering others fondly and with a bit of sadness that I'm not that. The realising what's important feels a bit like 'settling'.

Watchkeys

I think I've always felt that emotions are something I need to protect myself from. Ive always aimed for neutrality in my feelings. I find emotions to be physically uncomfortable.

I just can't imagine how I could be enough for someone how they would be willing to 'forsake all others' type stuff. There's nothing special about me. How can I ever be good enough as I am to make up for all the things that I'm not?

That's probably the crux of it.

I disagree with everyone else. Why is he telling you that men fall in love and adore this woman he's bringing along tonight? Sounds like he's either trying to make you jealous and insecure - who needs those games - or projecting and it's him that adores her. I'd pull a headache tbh and then end the whole thing and concentrate on yourself. Could you imagine bringing along a male friend and telling your OH beforehand how women flock round him and all fall in love with him? No of course not because why would you, it would just be rude and weird.

You've misunderstood, it was my friend who has said this about this woman, not my boyfriend. Neither my boyfriend or I have ever met her. But I'm keen to meet her - I really like what I've heard about her nd she sounds lovely but the thought of meeting her last night with my boyfriend did make me feel a bit, I don't know, inadequate.

It was a single throwaway remark made about her months ago. No one was trying to make anyone else feel anything.

Look, you say there's nothing special about you, but there must be, maybe not to you, but to him. And if he's decided you are just right for him, why should you question his judgement? He has a different mind to you and thinks differently and in his mind, you're all that he wants. You don't have to understand it. Just believe what he is telling you and enjoy it. It sounds like a pretty good relationship to me.

And if he's decided you are just right for him, why should you question his judgement?

Argh, that's what I need to remember and I keep forgetting it! Thank you

If he does feel he's settling, I guess that would be on him too.

I think that, because I don't have a relationship history of my own, I don't know what it's like. I've no idea if, when he's with me, he wishes I'd do things that X did or a was a bit more like Y.