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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I double message him or let it slide? Advice?

36 replies

tanperception · 02/09/2022 15:00

Matched with him, and messaged him (had to, due to bumble), he seems to be interested and relatively engaging. A little flirtatious and cheeky, all appropriate. Complimented on a photo of mine. I have probably asked him one question. He has asked a few. I replied about what I do for fun and work which he asked about but I didn't return with another question. He didn't phrase it in a boring way either, like 'What do you do for work?' how you normally would if you're just creating a communication buffer/not interested. He still responded and that was 4 days ago. He does take many hours to respond as well. He does work in the medical field and I have been busy too.

I have been responding enthusiastically. Even my opening message which reasonably witty. He did say he was looking at my Instagram last time we spoke because I've got minimal photos, but he didn't follow me. He did say one of my photos was hot though. We seem to listen to very similar music which is kind of interesting. Whilst I'm not directly in the medical field, have done research in a similar field that he currently works in so that as well.

I know it seems to be a bit too invested for just a match on bumble but it has been one of the very good matches I've had. I've noticed he was in another city for a bit, so obviously busy. Has been about 1 week/2 weeks now.

Don't double message him right? Advice?

OP posts:
tanperception · 03/09/2022 11:28

@J0y yes, I would never tell someone I really liked them, without meeting, that would be a bit creepy. I probably wouldn't even say those words after a first date - but that is just me.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/09/2022 11:32

So you haven’t actually met this bloke and you are spending all this angst on him. Blimey. I’m so glad not to be young.

Sanpellogrino99 · 03/09/2022 11:33

If hes a doctor he will be matching with lots
Woman seem to love doctors because of a preconcieved notion they are rich and nice. I am a female in health care and I can tell you personally what they say about dating apps and the woman they meet on there.

If you want to message him do it but just be aware he will probably think you are desperate and use you for a booty call whilst continuing to swipe or persue his dream girl (your not his dream girl as he already dropped the ball)

Sanpellogrino99 · 03/09/2022 11:36

Suprima · 02/09/2022 15:39

Absolutely not- he’s not interested

all you will do is seem desperate to meet him, potentially leaving the door open for him to booty call or to lead you on (asking you on a date, but it’s a bar with 241 cocktails right near his flat), should he actually be a bit of a bastard.

Yep My thoughts excatly

forgotoldusername · 03/09/2022 11:40

Do NOT message him. When I was OLD I didn't always reply with a question but the interested men would still message again.

He's not interested and it's fine. You move on but can I suggest you move away from bumble ? I don't think it's actually empowering, the opposite. It makes men lazy as they sit there and wait for you to make the first move, I like hinge and I've also met some really nice guys on tinder

tanperception · 03/09/2022 11:47

Thanks everyone. Deep down, I know I should not message him again - feels wrong. Do I unmatch or just leave it? Yes totally agree @forgotoldusername, whilst people will disagree, I don't think it's ever worked out in a woman's favour to chase a man. They do become lazy.

OP posts:
Sanpellogrino99 · 03/09/2022 11:50

tanperception · 03/09/2022 11:47

Thanks everyone. Deep down, I know I should not message him again - feels wrong. Do I unmatch or just leave it? Yes totally agree @forgotoldusername, whilst people will disagree, I don't think it's ever worked out in a woman's favour to chase a man. They do become lazy.

Just unmatch

Sanpellogrino99 · 03/09/2022 11:51

tanperception · 03/09/2022 11:47

Thanks everyone. Deep down, I know I should not message him again - feels wrong. Do I unmatch or just leave it? Yes totally agree @forgotoldusername, whilst people will disagree, I don't think it's ever worked out in a woman's favour to chase a man. They do become lazy.

Also if they dont ask you out ASAP you are usually wasting your time

I matched with a guy from Hinge Wednesday and I am going out with him Sunday

forgotoldusername · 03/09/2022 12:07

@Sanpellogrino99 excellent point. I would meet within 2-3 days max and these were all very busy men. My motto is "an interested man will always make time for something he's interested in/is important to him". I was right, I've had men cancel meetings to meet me and that's what I expect.

OP, please listen to this. Go to bumble, close your account, set one up on hinge with 4-5 good photos (one at least full length, see other thread). While you want to be slightly private make it clear where you've studied and your qualifications (I have the highest qualification you can get and would not have considered anyone with less than a masters degree).

Follow and trust the process, be motivated and ruthless and your chances of meeting someone will be greatly enhanced

Sanpellogrino99 · 03/09/2022 12:16

forgotoldusername · 03/09/2022 12:07

@Sanpellogrino99 excellent point. I would meet within 2-3 days max and these were all very busy men. My motto is "an interested man will always make time for something he's interested in/is important to him". I was right, I've had men cancel meetings to meet me and that's what I expect.

OP, please listen to this. Go to bumble, close your account, set one up on hinge with 4-5 good photos (one at least full length, see other thread). While you want to be slightly private make it clear where you've studied and your qualifications (I have the highest qualification you can get and would not have considered anyone with less than a masters degree).

Follow and trust the process, be motivated and ruthless and your chances of meeting someone will be greatly enhanced

Totally agree
My exes have been surgeons, human rights lawyers, doctors and senior nurses.

The only time I would expect communication to drop would be if the date is already set up - the few days before that. If no confirmation text from him on the day, I am not going.

forgotoldusername · 03/09/2022 12:37

@Sanpellogrino99 yes yes yes. Shame sometimes we women sell ourselves so short

Hopefully OP meets a good person who is really into her. Whether it develops into a long term relationship, who knows? Feelings are unknowable in advance and even if two people match on paper, they might still not have that higher connection.

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