Love or manipulation??

[WhatsTheStoryThisTime]

Separated from my husband of almost 20 years and recently issued divorce papers. I’m still coming to terms as to whether my relationship with him has been somewhat emotionally abusive.

I had a little wobble the other day (I know I could kick myself!) and basically told him that the grief I am feeling is overwhelming and had a little cry.

He keeps begging me back and has today told me he has booked me and his Mum a spa day. Me and MIL get on really well and he’s told me he’s booked it as we have both had a tough time lately.

I don’t want to accept, but would feel ungrateful and feel like I’m letting MIL down.
is this control or is he doing this because he genuinely cares?

Please be kind. I’m already rough on myself for being too passive and know I need to pull up my big girl pants. I just need help with my confusion and contradicting emotions.

is this control or is he doing this because he genuinely cares?

What do you feel? You say you don't want to accept so listen to your instinct. You are divorcing him for a reason, you don't owe him gratitude, especially if you think he is trying to manipulate you.

You can always contact MIL and organise something together, he needn't be involved. Do something you'd both enjoy.

I hated my husband towards the end of my marriage but was utterly bereft when he left. It was such a headfuck! I couldn't understand it. Allow yourself to feel the grief, you need to get it out, but try and speak to someone else (even us) rather than tell your ex, if he has been emotionally abusive he will try and use anything to give him against you.

You're going through a big time in your life, look after yourself and keep posting if it helps

is this control or is he doing this because he genuinely cares

It doesn't matter. If you feel it might be controlling, it won't make you happy to do it. This sort of question doesn't even come up in healthy situations, so the fact that it has shows that there's something making you feel uncomfortable. That's what you need to respect first and foremost. Respecting other people comes second to respecting your own feelings.

Just to repeat that: your feelings are your priority. Look after them first. Be respectful of other people whilst doing so, if you can, but if respecting someone else's feelings means disrespecting your own, you're in an unhealthy situation and you need to distance yourself.

That's what's happening now: in order to look after you, you feel you need to hurt someone else. The motives to get you here are not the salient thing. The salient thing is how you feel. So, distance yourself (i.e. pull out), and do what you need to do to respect MIL to a level you think is reasonable. So, there's a big difference between saying 'This is unacceptable because your son has emotionally abused me', and saying 'I'm sorry, I can't make it, I'm not feeling comfortable'

Your feelings are the important thing, and anybody who cares for you will support that. They will have their own feelings too, but they won't prioritise them to the extent that they'll make you feel bad, if they're nice people. And if they're not nice people, it doesn't matter, because you don't want them in your life anyway.