I want to split up - again.

[JoanCandy]

I’m F, 54. DP 58.

We’ve split up several times going back to 2016. At the end of that year my (gay) best friend of almost 30 years died and I was devastated (still am, tbh) and me and DP ended up drifting back together.
We are actually divorced now ! But he came to live back with me and DD in January after promising to change yadda yadda.
I had missed him and we do still have a laugh together and I am fond of him, I don’t hate him but he really does take the piss and I do absolutely everything. And I mean everything.
I must be bossy and controlling on one level but by the same token if I don’t do ‘The Stuff’ it won’t get done ! And I’m talking about making sure the rent and bills are paid, housework, pets fed, gardening, odd jobs, bins out, the basic but important things.
He washes up and he likes to cook Sunday lunch.

About him, he’s a nice man, pleasant, nice looking for his age, wants a quiet life I suppose. But he doesn’t work - one or two days a month now although he’s been in and out of work for years - and gets irritated when I bring this up and ask him for a financial contribution to the running of the home. I am a carer for my adult DD (21) so I get benefits and I work part time too. When it’s just DD and I we cope perfectly well.

We don’t sleep together, we still kiss to say good morning and there is affection shown in other ways but no sex - he also sleeps in the lounge, I’m in the bedroom.

I’m sure any of you reading this will think I’m mad but I’m scared to split as it has to be for good this time and although I am a strong person I am afraid a little of being alone. I’m prone to anxiety and panic attacks (although not for several years) and my DP is quite a calm influence who has seen me at my very worst and supported me through that part of my life.

My DD and I are going abroad on holiday next weekend for a week - it’s been booked for a couple of years (covid) and was only ever going to be us two. Then we are back for a week and then all of us, including DP, are going to Cornwall for a week - I’ve booked and paid for it, mentioned a few times that I’ll need DP to pay his half soon … nothing as of yet and part of me is dreading going away with him as it’s just stressful, feels like I’m lugging him around in a way because he won’t organise anything, I’ll do all the driving, he won’t look for things for us to do or anything like that - I feel like I want to cancel it or postpone it and just go with my DD later this year (she and I and my sister went to the same place at Christmas last year and had a brilliant time !).

Thanks for reading, I just wanted to get my thoughts out on here really but could also do with a hand hold and some sense knocking into my thick head to say ‘Just do it !’

Ok so despite saying he wld change he hasn't. Probably tells you everything you already know in that.

It sounds like you are happy with him to a point but just want more help around the house and for him to contribute financially. If this is what he said wld change and hasn't then you need to end it.

What's his excuse for working so very little? How does he manage for money when you split up?

Hi @TheTeddyBears
The last time we broke up he claimed UC for a bit but then he was left some money so he’s been using that. He’d been fine to get himself somewhere to rent.
And you’ve hit the nail on the head, I said to him in January ok, we’ll try again but you must ‘P.Y.W’ - pull your weight and pay your way - and he’s done neither.

He’s an expensive hobby you probably can’t afford. What you’re spending to subsidise him is money being taken from your daughter and from you and your future.

He’s not a partner, he’s not a lover, you could use the money you save by ditching him to pay for a nice Sunday lunch out once a week.

You say he’s a calming influence but he’s also adding to your workload, financial burden and mental load. What did you actually miss when you were broken up?

Hi @AnneLovesGilbert
Thanks for your reply.
I think I was depressed, I was lonely (I have friends and work, like I said, but missed him being around). I went NC with him but he was messaging mutual friends asking them to ask me to call him, he was missing me. When we finally did talk I told him that he needed to step up if we were ever to be together successfully and he said all the right things about changing blah, blah, and I stupidly believed him. He's done none of it.
I'm really unhappy and I feel like such a bloody idiot.

You weren't stupid, you were optimistic. Give yourself a break love. But also look at this with clear eyes and I'd say you know you're better off without him. You're not an idiot at all, we all make mistakes. But it's always possible to change things, make different decisions that will serve us better! You know you'll feel lighter, happier, more optimistic if you remove him from your life. Reschedule Cornwall and make it a happy trip to look forward to with your daughter.

You are keeping a grown man who is capable of work. Stop it. Kick him out.

He's using you op. Bin him

He's using you. He clearly has money if he was renting. Now he is with you he thinks you are his meal ticket so he can be a lazy arse and not work and keep his inheritance while you pay out for his food and shelter. Will you enjoy the Cornwall trip when the mental load is all on you and he sits there as a passive passenger rather than having him help and engage?

He brings nothing to the table but be a comfort blanket for you and you can find other means to have that comfort that are not so expensive.

Good luck whatever you decide.

You need to let go of the person you want him to be.

Definition of cocklodger.

Kick him out and get your single rates discount back

He’s not being a partner to you and he’s not supporting you in any way, financially emotionally or practically. I think you were at low ebb when you took him back understandably, but now things are different.

Thanks for all of your comments, they have really helped and they’ve made me think (uh, oh … dangerous !).
I’ve cancelled the week in Cornwall for the end of this month and rearranged it for Christmas ! For me, my DD and I shall ask if my sister wants to come too.
So I guess that means I shall be doing the deed sooner rather than later.