Does anyone think MN has negatively impacted their relationship ?

[KangarooKenny]

I wonder if reading MN, and all the ‘LTB’s’, can negatively affect relationships or if it just affirms that it’s over ?

It seems people on here are already half way out the door and are looking for some kind of confirmation they are doing the right thing.

But I don't think this place is in anyway representative of real life.

Well, either all the threads are made up or this is some people’s real life

I think it is to some degree representative of the aspects of real life that you’d expect to find on a support board about issues with parenting and relationships.

You have to ask what population is being represented. It’s not going to be the population of human relationships as a whole. Posts about relationships on MN are going to come from a population of people who are seeking online support for issues they are experiencing. And, to some degree, the responses are going to come from a subgroup of humans who are interested enough to read and respond to this stuff.

It’s not really that surprising that women in shit situations who don’t feel they have support to turn to in real life are over represented in MN compared to the population as a whole really.

As others have suggested, rather than saying ‘I just don’t think relationships are really like people on MN say’, it might be better to remember that there are a lot of women in crap situations and no one they see day to day realises.

I’d love to read more about men finding it harder to have relationships now because women’s expectations are higher.

MN has been great for me. I accidentally fell into my relationship and it feels like sheer dumb luck that my DH is a good egg. MN helps me to understand where my boundaries are, helps me say, actually, no, not doing that and I probably take it a bit too far some times. Perhaps more importantly, it’s made me realise a huge number of red flag behaviours that I try and tell my kids about - both my son, so any future wife isn’t on her complaining about him and my daughter, so she has healthy functional relationships in future.

I really hope I can get my DD on mumsnet in due course. It’s more valuable than all the PHSRE lessons she’ll ever have.

This.

Though the harsh tone can be unhelpful. Y’know, if you don’t agree to instantly LTB you are attacked as a shit person and mother.

That chased me off the thread I started years ago. It meant I never listened to or took the wiser , better expressed views. If I had stayed to listen to those maybe I would have left my H and not had my life and soul fucked over.

You harsh, attacking posters. You achieve the opposite of what you claim you want to happen. Kicking people when they are already down, means they never leave the floor.

Once i read some threads about faffing it made my blood boil with dp! So in some ways it adds fuel to the fire but in general it's a good thing.

I do sometimes get the impression from comments that the only acceptable relationship is a perfect relationship (I'm not talking about abuse), and this can fuel the self-doubt that is my natural default setting. Especially when threads seem to take for granted a level of financial security that I can only dream of. But then I realize I'd probably last about 5 minutes with someone else's perfect man. I've found my match.

This.

There are so many things I've become aware of since coming on here. Also in general there is a lot of support on here that I don't always get IRL.

Unfortunately I've also noticed a tendency for some threads to be infiltrated by people who only want to see the situation from the man's angle. Not sure if they are surrendered wives, incels or just wind up merchants, but it's a shame, as when I first came here MN was a refreshing change from the prevailing culture that women have to pander to men's ego and greater importance.

I think mumsnet can feed someone's fragility to the extent if they already feel insecure in a relationship it just makes it worse.

There also seems to be an awful lot of women that don't seem to trust their husbands with single female friends. As that single female friend I've not come across that in real life and actually get quite insulted by the idea that I must be after every man I'm friends with.

Oh, I thought @MacNcheeeeese's post was interesting and relevant!

I'd echo what others have said about escaping an abusive relationship. If MN had existed during my first marriage, no way would it have taken me so many years to leave. I wouldn't have been so isolated and lonely and afraid. It's too easy to resign yourself to cultural pressures to stay together, and warnings about the grass not being greener anywhere else. Having a forum like this is invaluable because you can actually compare notes in detail and find out that what you might be dismissing as crazy dreams are actually fundamental human rights.

MN helped me get away from an abuser.

I had read threads on this board for a few years, and then began to realise that the awful behaviour I was reading about was happening to me, too. I'd been deluding myself.

I then started a thread under another name describing my life, and it was validating to see I wasn't imagining things. I got a lot of support and advice, and was able to leave in secret a few months after starting the thread, after having been with the abuser for 30 years.

Our DC came with me and have thrived, none of us are in fear any more. In fact, I'm currently completing an access course with the aim of going to university next year, something I missed doing when I was young because I screwed up my A levels.

And to cap it all off, our abuser is dead, the DC inherited everything, and we're going to move into his paid off house (now belonging to the DC) as the kids think it's better for me than paying rent. The house is beginning to look totally different, so there are no lingering memories of him there.

I'd say MN has improved my relationship, in the sense that the more I read about the unbelievable arsehole men described on the Relationships board, the more I appreciate my dh.

I forgot to add that society puts far too much pressure on women being the peacekeepers, putting ourselves last. We're expected to "make the marriage work", to take the blame for the things men do, to "think of the children" and to suck up a poor relationship because we shouldn't be "selfish" and think about what we want.

MN gets people thinking about their relationships, that's a good thing. No one should be stuck in a poor relationship.

But I don't think this place is in anyway representative of real life.

Of course it is, in the sense that people only tend to seek advice about their relationship on here if there are problems with it, just as they might in real life. Nobody's going to start a thread or ask you to lend an ear irl in order to tell you their husband is quite nice!

That's very true- the expectation that women are responsible for a relationship, for holding family life together rather than one of two pillars that need to hold those things up.

I learned embarassingly late in life that the sky doesn't fall in if I stand up and advocate for myself.

I have left two shit relationships thanks to MN and the advice on here - I've read things that have opened my eyes to how unhappy I was and how my relationships were the cause of the unhappiness.

It's a wonderful space, women helping women. It's not perfect, but I'd be making a right mess of my life without it.

Look at all the hate we get and from who.....must be doing something right!

I don't think so - if anything, it has helped me to balance issues in my head and have more productive conversations with DH (Im a name changer who has been here for a number of years)