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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm always 'conveniently' ill, apparently.

41 replies

contemptdaily · 02/09/2022 08:16

I lost a baby at 4 months pregnant at the start of the year and I'm now nearly 5 months pregnant again. I was signed off with HG with the baby I lost, signed off after the miscarriage for obvious reasons. I went back to work in between and was signed off again during some of the first trimester with sickness and anxiety. I've struggled with pelvic pain and migraines in the second trimester so have missed a bit of work and done more than usual from home. For months my husband has become nastier to me, more cold and just showing contempt towards me and this morning I said I'm working from home again as my pelvic pain is really bad and I didn't sleep well, he went off on one. My wheat pack was in the microwave to ease the pain and he turned it off at the wall and I asked why he did that and he said to spite you. I asked why do you want to spite your pregnant wife who is saying she's in pain? And he just went off on one. "You're always in pain, you're always ill, but you're not are you? You're lazy and can't be bothered to work and just want to sit on your phone. Funnily enough you're never too ill to sit their and scroll on your phone"

Yes I've missed a lot of work, and yes I've been ill a lot in the past 12 months but I've also been pregnant for 9 of them! I'm so upset. I cried my eyes out and he accused me of putting on a show and whisked our toddler away from nasty crying mum who is scaring him and started playing dad of the year. There's no coming back from this is there? I feel so disrespected to be accused of lying rather than him being slightly compassionate about everything I've been through this year.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 02/09/2022 08:18

I'd leave if safe to do so. He sounds awful an my guess would be his abuse will get worse.

I bet this isn't the first time he's been a shit to you either. You deserve more.

AppleKatie · 02/09/2022 08:18

Oh my goodness. No I don’t think there is any coming back unless this is a total one off and he grovels and changes immediately. Have you got a supportive family you can take the toddler to stay with for a bit whilst you get your head together?

Middledazedted · 02/09/2022 08:20

I think contempt kills relationships. He sounds awful. You have had a tough time and I don’t know why, in some men, this makes them hateful but it’s their problem not yours.

AliceW89 · 02/09/2022 08:21

Was this a complete and utter shock and he’s never behaved like this before? Or are we just getting a snapshot into him generally being an arse?

Middledazedted · 02/09/2022 08:22

I would get legal advice quickly and make sure you can access all financial info. Hope you have some real life support.

StClare101 · 02/09/2022 08:22

No I really don’t think there is any way back from that.

Topseyt123 · 02/09/2022 08:27

No. There is no way back from that. I'd start planning an exit.

Countingdowntodecember · 02/09/2022 08:27

I’m so sorry OP, you deserve to be treated so much better than you have been.

No, in your shoes I couldn’t see a way back from that.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and your new baby Flowers.

Maray1967 · 02/09/2022 08:28

That is awful, awful behaviour from someone who is supposed to love and care for you. I’ve no idea why some men do this - seems like you’re only worthy if you’re well enough not to inconvenience him.
That would be the end for me.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 02/09/2022 08:29

@contemptdaily I am sorry you have had such a horrible time.

Is it possible that your husband's behaviour is in some way connected with his own feelings about your loss? I know you're the one who's had to go through the sickness and pain and the physical loss of your baby - but it was also his baby, and this might be his feelings coming out in a weird and unpleasant way. Have you ever properly talked with him about your loss? Your understandable feelings of anxiety have been validated by a sick note for the first trimester of this pregnancy; he may not even be aware that his feelings have never been validated or, possibly, even mentioned. Has he ever been able to cry?

If you had lived in the pre-phone era, what would you be doing when you are currently scrolling on your phone? I do judge people who endlessly scroll on their phones, and I don't have one because they are time-wasters (and I know I'd end up scrolling like all the other people whom I judge). So I can see why it pisses him off that you appear to be sitting there playing around on your phone. I would be pissed off with that, too.

It's equally possible, of course, that your husband is a thoroughly unpleasant man who is inexcusably choosing to kick you while you're down. Only you can really know which interpretation is more likely to be true.

CrapBucket · 02/09/2022 08:30

Oh sweetheart. Thats awful. You have been through such a lot, my heart goes out to you. Please get rid of this man as soon and safely as you can.

confusednewbie · 02/09/2022 08:39

Gosh everyone here is so LTB all the time! Yes he said soma things wrong but he is also grieving and as someone who has been in a relationship with someone with similar issues as yourself gosh I’ve felt his frustration. It can be so difficult at times when it appears your partner is choosing to be unwell and often it can be born out of concern but it comes out as frustration. It is incredibly difficult to watch the person you love constantly being unwell and sympathy can run out especially when you’re watching and seeing them crumble away into a shell of their former-self.

Yes what you have been through is horrendous op and I can feel the sadness in your post but I can also see depression and that you are wanting justification for how you are feeling. It is fine to feel how you do and feel unwell but as I’ve said it is incredibly hard as a partner to watch your partner become a shell of their former self even if this is through legitimate health issues. Cut him some slack - lose the drama between you and talk would be my advice

watcherintherye · 02/09/2022 08:42

Does he often lash out at you like this? Scrolling on your phone is no different to listening to the radio/curling up with a book/watching daytime tv, which I’m sure lots of people do when they’re ill. It’s just something comforting to take your mind off how you’re feeling. You can be too ill to work, without being completely incapacitated.

How will this play out do you think? Will he apologise when he reflects on how shitty he’s been, or will it all be your fault? I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to this verbal assault.

IrishladyNE · 02/09/2022 08:42

Wow that is really spiteful. When the contempt started with my ex it did not improve, it gradually got worse. I know it must be really hard to leave since you are feeling poorly and have a toddler but I think you need to. What struck a cord with me is him being horrible to you then playing father of the year. My ex would do that and its really abusive. It is triangulation.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/09/2022 08:46

watcherintherye · 02/09/2022 08:42

Does he often lash out at you like this? Scrolling on your phone is no different to listening to the radio/curling up with a book/watching daytime tv, which I’m sure lots of people do when they’re ill. It’s just something comforting to take your mind off how you’re feeling. You can be too ill to work, without being completely incapacitated.

How will this play out do you think? Will he apologise when he reflects on how shitty he’s been, or will it all be your fault? I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to this verbal assault.

Of course scrolling on your phone is completely different from those things! I find it really really irritating when someone can't leave their phone alone. I know people who the minute you start talking the eyes go to the phone and they can't resist picking it up and scrolling through it rather than having a proper conversation.

Candleabra · 02/09/2022 08:47

That’s awful. I couldn’t get past that.

Fuckingboredgetthefuckoutofmyfuckingcrisps · 02/09/2022 08:53

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watcherintherye · 02/09/2022 09:15

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/09/2022 08:46

Of course scrolling on your phone is completely different from those things! I find it really really irritating when someone can't leave their phone alone. I know people who the minute you start talking the eyes go to the phone and they can't resist picking it up and scrolling through it rather than having a proper conversation.

Show quote history

So in your example you wouldn’t find it as irritating if you started to speak to someone and they picked up a book, or switched the tv or radio on in preference? Do people often start scrolling on their phones when you’re talking to them? It’s not something I’ve ever experienced. I’d find all of those things equally rude and annoying, if I was trying to have a conversation with someone!

It sounds as though the op was probably using her phone to try and distract herself from her discomfort. In that case a phone is as valid as a book/radio/tv. Imo.

oneproudmumma · 02/09/2022 09:24

He's a cruel man, there is no excuse for his words or his behaviour. I felt so sad for you when you wrote about your wheat pack in the microwave which he then switched it off at the wall.

I don't think he will get better and I think you should plan to leave as soon as you possibly can Flowers

RaRaRaspoutine · 02/09/2022 10:01

!!! He sounds EVIL. Please please get yourself and your child out of there. I'm actually speechless.

DrawingdowntheMoon · 02/09/2022 10:03

No words.

Start planning your exit NOW OP.

AntiHop · 02/09/2022 10:06

AppleKatie · 02/09/2022 08:18

Oh my goodness. No I don’t think there is any coming back unless this is a total one off and he grovels and changes immediately. Have you got a supportive family you can take the toddler to stay with for a bit whilst you get your head together?

This.

Sending you love op. I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've experienced.

Backtoblack1 · 02/09/2022 10:13

Does he also work from home? I’m not condoning what he said to you at all but my partner has been off work for all of the summer holidays and just before it. I can’t wait for him to go back to work but then I will be as well. I’ve found it stressful spending everyday together at home - hopefully this was a one off and he will apologise

Backtobed13 · 02/09/2022 10:27

My ex, the father of my DS was exactly like this. Full of contempt, rage and just downright cruel towards me because I had a number of chronic health issues. I won't go into it as there are too many instances where he made me feel like I was a burden and a waste of space, and it's triggering to reflect on it, but all I can say is you don't deserve this It's just plain nasty and cruel. No one deserves to be treated like this, let alone the mother of his children. It's not your fault OP, you can't help being unwell. I know he is probably frustrated at the situation but it is absolutely no excuse for this level of nastiness. My ex crushed my spirit to the point where I had zero self worth and he gaslit me so much that I lost all sense of reality. It will seem utterly daunting to leave but trust me, your children need a healthy and happy Mum who feels safe, and you cannot heal in that environment. He is taking advantage of you because he obviously equates being ill with weakness, and that's what a bully does. Please keep talking to us. We are here for you.

Afterfire · 02/09/2022 10:40

This is only going to get worse. Abusive arsehole. And a controlling one too. Leave.