Unhappily married and can’t see a resolution

[indomitablespirit]

I have been married 9 yrs to my husband and have two children under 10. He is from another EU country and almost every holiday we have is spent with his family in their country. I really don’t enjoy going and count down the days until we can return home. In 9 yrs I think we have only been on 1-2 holidays elsewhere without his family being there. He tells me I don’t make any effort to plan alternative holidays but his trips to see family leave little room to do so. Mother in law has historically always disapproved of me from day one: she doesn’t approve of how I bring up the children or how they behave in general, and has criticised me over the years. One episode occurred on Christmas Day when we were staying with his family. I had a 6 m old baby (2nd child) and she was laying into me about my parenting skills (not her son’s) and I ended up with depression following this event.

I feel he puts his family first and if I criticise them he never sticks up for me. For example, he just the other day told me I am very good at inventing stories following his mother subtly putting my children and me down yet again.

He has also struck my son in the face in the past, and so has his mother. I have warned them both never to do it again, but I don’t feel I can trust them to not do so.

I just don’t want to even touch him any more. I feel terrible for thinking about splitting up our family, but I don’t want a life lived with someone I who accuses me of inventing the truth. Also, I have been awaiting an operation for ages so I’m unemployed.I worry how I will manage even when I do find a new job. I just wondered how others have dealt with a marriage in a bad state. Did counselling work, or is divorce inevitable? Thank you

Do you want to stay with a man who hits your child?
Your child will grow up as that as his role model.
Get rid of the man you’ll get rid of your problems. He and his family sound awful.

I feel terrible for thinking about splitting up our family, but I don’t want a life lived with someone I who accuses me of inventing the truth.

I’d be more concerned about staying with a man who hits his child.
Call Women’s Aid, take the children and stay with your family, get a solicitor, but please don’t stay with a man that treats you and his children so badly.

Honestly? I think divorce is inevitable, and you and your children would be better off. So I would suggest start getting your mind around that, even if you can't leave immediately.

I'm also married to a man from the EU so I understand the pressure to always see family and different parenting norms. I'm lucky that my DH is not that close to his family and doesn't agree with smacking, but if he did I could not stay with him. You are not wrong to be upset about these things.

When is your operation, and how soon could you go back to work?

The trouble is that if you split, then he will have solo access to the children and a lot more hitting could go on. Especially if he takes them to stay with his family.

I think you should get some professional advice on how to manage this.

But absolutely the marriage is dead and you need to find your way out. Yes it is daunting but millions do it and you can too.

Yep, in this situation, divorce is inevitable.
Sounds like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't regardless of what you do, so for your own sanity and the kids well being take action now.

I really appreciate all the responses I have received, and it’s true that the most important thing is ditching him due to his slapping habits: he has done it twice in total to my son but any amount is too much. That definitely is more important than him knocking my credibility, it’s true. I think I will be able to start working in around 3 months from now if I can find a suitable job. I will go to a counsellor as soon as possible to discuss my options. Thanks all

But also, the main thing to worry about is him taking them to his country without me and then being unhappy there. What if he never brings them back? It has happened to other people before…

That’s why you need to get professional advice.

I think you owe it to your kids and your marriage to at least try counseling. A proper go.

Kids have a way of pushing parents to their limits sometimes. One or two slaps is very different to ongoing violence and intimidation. If he's a good father and role model and not a bully douchebag then give your marriage a chance.

People on here are very quick to advise seperation but seperation isn't easy.

Which country is it ?
If you get divorced I'm pretty sure he could be blocked from taking the children out of the country if he's deemed a risk of not bringing them back (happened to a friend of mine -her exDH stopped her).

What does he say about having some holidays without his family ?
The hitting is the worst part of your post, have you spoken to him about it ?

Bloody hell. You’re defending two separate adults physically abusing a very young child.

Well I dunno, I think probably 85 percent of parents have done stuff in reaction to a child's behaviour that they're not particularly proud of and would look bad if aired in public.

Be honest with yourself.

And the grandma hitting the child?

I have never come close to hitting or even contemplating hitting my children, not once.

I’ll assume you have. Nice.

Yes, I have, once or twice. Not proud of it but that's the truth. And is the truth for many parents. I have also shoved my child into their carseat, sworn at them on the odd occasion and done stupid immature shit like walk out of the room and flip the bird at them. So kill me, they can be really annoying!

Grandma I am more 🤔about. There are fewer excuses for grandma's. They get less wound up by kids being irritating, or so I thought?

OP You need to put this into some kind of perspective. If someone else told you this story what would you advise them to do?
Hitting a child would be enough for me. I would not be responsible for my actions if anyone hit any of my children when they were young.
You need to escape from this.