Im not looking for advice, I know what the answers are. I just don't have anyone to talk to irl at all and I have to get it out sometimes before I feel my brain might explode so I'm writing it here like a diary.
I have been with my husband a long time. In our 40s. We have 2 kids both preteens.
Our very long relationship has just come to a naturally end really and neither us seem able to do anything to make the leap to separate. Mainly because neither of us want to be apart from our children. We are the only partners we've ever had and neither of us have ever lived alone so I suppose we are pretty reliant on each other. Our lives and families lives are very emeshed and it's all weve ever known.
Our sex life has dwindled to zero. It's been years now. We have tried multiple times to get it back but we are not a lovey dovey couple and the passion has gone. It almost felt fake and was a chore so no point trying again.
Every disagreement we ever have is about our children. (we have very different opinions and parenting techniques).
Because we were teenagers when we got together, we were totally different people then. I was a sensible plain Jane. He was a tough guy, muscles, tattoos, very sociable and I was attracted to that very much.
Over the years he has changed into a completely different person. His family point it out all the time. He is very quiet, says he hates other people. The few friends he had he doesn't see any more and says he doesn't want friends. He has no social life and no life outside of this house. He doesn't attend any family gatherings and doesn't come on holidays with us or days out to the park etc. He stays home alone either watching TV with the curtains closed or playing a game on his phone. He has let himself go completely, he is very overweight, smelly, doesn't shave, wears ripped and stained clothes when at home. All of this massively shouts depression but he always says hes not and it's just the way he is and he likes his life that way. How can I find any of this attractive? He is not the man I fell in love with. He is a stranger to me.
He provides financially and thinks that is his duties complete. Does the odd bit of DIY /gardening but again that has massively reduced.
He wasn't this bad before covid. He went to work and had to wear a suit etc. It has since then changed to permanent work from home so he never goes out. Never needs to dress up. Never interacts with anyone else. I have seen the huge impact this has had on him and expressed my concern yet he says its the best thing that has ever happened to him and he loves his life the way it is now.
So.... We are just on different paths in life now which is fine. I want to live my own life seperate to him but amicable. But there just doesnt seem to be a possibiliy of this. I've asked for advice on here before and basically it terrified me that the road forward with kids involved would be very difficult. So I mentally made the decision to wait until they were older. Then told that's the wrong thing to do aswell. I just feel so trapped in this love less marriage, completely soul destroying. I yearn for any type of attention from him and get nothing. My life is so empty with him and I'm so so unhappy.