Hi, NC for this. It's very difficult for me to type this out and admit that this is what's happening in my life. I'm looking for anyone that has been in a similar position or has any advice for me.
I'm 28, DH is 31 - married 1.5 years and together 5 years. No DC, one dog. To the outside world everything looks perfect, my parents & friends tell me how lucky I am etc. I recently started therapy because I believed our stale marriage was my fault, but I've come to believe it might be inherent incompatibilities. Therapy has helped me to understand that I might have married a man who mirrored the behaviour of my parents towards me - very dismissive and a lack of communication. I have always felt like a child around DH. He has had a very secure and privileged upbringing and I have had the opposite, leading him to believe I'm being negative when I express emotional troubles that I'm having (his words). We haven't had sex in 2 months (happened about once a month before that) - I have tried to initiate but he can't keep hard and it ends in an argument (ED has always been a problem - Christian backgrounds, no sex before marriage for him and he says it's because I've slept with other men before him). I've tried lingerie but he finds it intimidating. When I've tried to discuss these issues, he says it's because he doesn't see me as a sexual person. This hit me hard because I am a very emotional and physical person - those are my "love languages" so to speak.
I work in a very intense field which requires a certain level of secrecy outside the job. For the last 3ish months I've been having an emotional affair with a colleague of my age, who now wants to be with me. I think this happened because of the level of trust needed at work and we opened up to each other fully. It has made me realise the intense level of intimacy and connection that is possible. He's the complete opposite of DH - very open, laid back and emotionally available. I can't believe how validating it is to be understood. I am acutely aware of how weak and selfish this emotional affair makes me. I am extremely ashamed that I couldn't be stronger.
I am now genuinely considering the possibility of leaving, which is obviously incredibly painful. This is not dependent on colleague of course. I have been open with DH about wanting to leave and why, but I think he thinks I'm just being emotional and negative as he doesn't seem too bothered. I am ready to come clean about emotional affair either way. However, the logistics of things are complicated - he is a foreign citizen on a marriage visa, he earns 3x more than me and pays all the mortgage each month even though the house is in both our names. Leaving him would cost him his job and right to live in this country and I have no idea where it would leave me financially. I wouldn't be welcome in the church community anymore and might lose quite a few friends. The thought of the dog losing one of his parents kills me (dramatic I know).
I haven't talked to anyone about this apart from my therapist - has anyone felt like this so soon into a marriage and was it fixable? I feel like my brain is in absolute chaos and don't know which way is up at the moment. I've had some dark thoughts and it feels very lonely at home. Even small tasks are becoming overwhelming.