Better to actually be on your own?

[Brightstar29]

I’m 29 F almost 30. I came out of a long term relationship a year ago and in that time I’ve had 3 ‘situationships’ where things started going great and then all of a sudden they cold and I get the whole ‘it’s not you it’s me’ BS. 2 from online dating and one was someone I knew from before.

i’ve been dating someone new now, we started out as friends when we met in April but there was always something there and it recently became romantic. However the other day I sensed something was a bit off so asked him, he basically in a nutshell said he’s been focusing on our differences more than our similarities and feeling insecure about it. There was more to it than that but that’s it in a nutshell. But he still wants to see me again. We did talk things out about it over text as haven’t had chance to see each other since yet (we’ve been seeing each other around once a week) but It’s just made me feel really insecure as things were seemingly going so great, and it’s got me questioning whether I want to continue things with someone who has made me feel insecure, as he also dodged the question when I asked what the differences were he was worrying about. Due to meet up again on Saturday so I’m just going to see how that goes but I can’t help but feel a bit more withdrawn from him.

If this one doesn’t work out I’m genuinely considering being on my own for a good amount of time. The thing is I’m nearly 30 and do want children, I know I still have time but it’s not loads and loads of time. I’m just finding dating so exhausting.

Don’t let him use you for sex.

Drop him.

Otherwise you're just going to end up in a situationship again. Don't let people mess you about, fuck with your head, or make you insecure, and keep going back for more.

Maybe you should have a think about your boundaries? Maybe you need to improve them, if you keep ending up in relationships that don't actually meet your needs or wants.

The change you need to make is that as soon as anyone gives you the hot and cold treatment, you walk away and don't look back

@KangarooKenny I don’t feel like sleeping with him at this moment in time because it’s made me put a barrier up which makes me sad really.

@category12 sadly I see your point. I’m just really really sad because I had such high hopes for this one because he just seemed so different from the others and we have been getting to know each other over a longer period of time with us starting as friends first.

How about getting yourself into a position where you could go it alone with a child, just in case it comes to that. Sometimes doing something as a potential back up, having a plan B, helps you feel better.

I agree with @KangarooKenny - focus on your plan B.

Also, it does sound like you’re rushing a bit. You ended a long relationship a year ago and have had 3 situationships and this guy since.

I understand that you want children but you’re only 29 and likely to have many more fertile years. The fact that you keep choosing men who don’t give you what you want makes me think that, in your rush, you’re either missing red flags and/or perhaps putting too much pressure on the relationship at the outset. Spend some time alone, find yourself and work up a plan B so you’re good to go, whatever happens.

I have a good job and good career prospects and I am seriously considering using a donor sperm when I have myself more financially stable etc. it’s just hard because it’s not what I imagined I really imagined I’d have someone to settle down and do it together with.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, I lost my mum in 2019 to cancer and had 3 miscarriages with my ex before breaking up. The grief is still there but I feel like I’ve done as much processing around that as I can, but I don’t need all these issues I’m getting with dating on top. In regard to my miscarriages I’m slightly higher risk of having another one and I do feel like that would be hard to go through on my own without a partner. I do get extra support from hospital with next pregnancy.

In regards to my current situation, I asked him last night if our differences are enough to bother him, he said no he doesn’t think so and he’s still really looking forward to seeing me again. So I’m not sure if I should give it the benefit of the doubt if it’s possibly just a blip? He himself said it’s nothing serious that he’s worrying about. Some of my friends who I have asked think he might just be doing a bit of processing around his thoughts and feelings and this might not be a bad thing, but it has unnerved me.

Sorry about your mum and the miscarriages x

If you want to give it a chance, be cautious and be prepared to bring the hammer down, if he is starting to play silly buggers. Don't let him hot & cold you more than once.

Personally I think he is playing silly buggers. He acts a bit off, tells you he's having doubts because of "differences", yet he still wants to see you, it's nothing serious? Then what the bloody fuck (I beg your pardon) is he acting up/angsting over and making you worried for, if not to destabilise things?

Pfffft. I can't be doing with wibbly-wobbly bullshit. Boundaries, pet.

but I don’t need all these issues I’m getting with dating on top

Issues with dating come when you invest in people when you don't know them. Walk away at the first hint of trouble. Walk away at the first moment you think anything other than 'OMG he's lovely!' Don't invest until you've had a long period of time of consistency. I imagine there were small elements of doubt with the other guys you dated. Elements of 'He's perfect, except for this small thing or two.' and you didn't really acknowledge the 'thing or two'.

I asked him last night if our differences are enough to bother him, he said no he doesn’t think so

But he's mentioned them, so now they're bothering you, and that's even more important.

@Watchkeys yes definitely in hindsight I can see that with the others I dated. One was going through a bitter divorce due to his ex cheating. Funnily enough they went through the whole divorce process which was finalised and then got back together, I definitely dodged a bullet there.

it’s hard because now I don’t know whether to give this new guy the benefit of the doubt as he said he is still looking forward to seeing me again. I just know I’m going to feel a bit more withdrawn and that I don’t think I’ll feel like sleeping with him when we meet up even though we normally would. I don’t think he would put me under pressure to, but is it worth explaining to him how I’m feeling in response to what he said to me just to get everything on the table? He is pretty easy to talk to.

You need to ditch this guy

Look into egg freezing (fertility drops from 30, and significantly so from 35) you've already had multiple miscarriages so I'd consider preserving your fertility asap if you want children

Get in a better position and consider lone parenting

I am a big believer in being single for awhile after a long relationship. It allows you time to focus on yourself and enjoy life. Once your in a great place I think your less likely to end up with the guys you have described. Honestly when your happy in yourself you don’t put up with other peoples nonsense. See what happens Saturday and then listen to your gut and throw him back if he isn’t adding to your life.
Being single at 30 isn’t the end of the world. I was single at 30 and DH and I got together when I was 33 and you will find lots of others who met their partners after 30. Last thing you want to do is panic and end up with someone who isn’t a good partner for you.

The thing is things were going so well and there were so many green flags with him and we do click really well. But I can’t lie that this has shifted things slightly for me. That’s why I’m wondering about having an open and honest conversation with him to discuss how we are both feeling.

I'd be really wary of a bloke who was anything other than 100% keen at this stage. It sounds as if this is a power play to keep you on the back foot and make you fret about your perceived inadequacies.

Also we had briefly mentioned before about meeting up tonight too before Saturday but it wasn’t set in stone. I asked him last night if he still wanted to meet and he suggested leaving it til Saturday. We both do have a lot on with work etc. I’m not really sure whether this bothers me or if I’m glad to have a bit of breathing space for a few days after what he’s said.

It’s crap really because my recent experiences with men has given me such a negative view of men and dating. I have actually been having therapy which I referred myself to due to the issues and has been really helpful but is coming to an end soon. I’d taken myself off all the dating apps during this time too (and at the moment have no desire to go back to them) as I said with this guy we started out as friends and it had gradually developed into more so was a bit more unintentional.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for all you've been through. A fraction of that would bring most people to their knees. I had a very similar experience with a man who would randomly bring up "niggles" and "doubts" then tell me everything was fine after a few days. I stayed with that man for 8 years. Yhe constant up and down and never feeling safe fundamentally changed me and how I look at men/relationships. It's early days, he should still be trying to impress you, show you his best traits. If he's already playing these sorts of games and it's affecting you, you need to get rid. You deserve someone who is sure about you and wouldn't want to rush putting you off or losing you by putting doubts in your head.

risk losing you

I was dating a guy once and I could tell he wasn't going to fall for me. We talked about and he said we were just not in to the same things, and the examples he gave was he liked to go running and was really in to sport, and liked hanging out in the pub. True, I am not sporty nor do I particularly like going to the pub.
Then of course he meets someone months later and they got engaged. And guess what? She isn't any more sporty than me and hates the pub!
Like this guy he just doesn't feel the spark - move on.

@mondaytosunday its been a while though to say he wouldn’t feel a spark? We have been getting to know each other since April. Admittedly starting out as friends but we both admitted there was something more there. Things were literally great until a few days ago.

Hi Op @Brightstar29

I'm sorry you lost your mum as well as the miscarriages, that's a lot for anyone to go though 💐

I'm a solo mum by choice (I had my son with IVF and using a sperm donor), in my late 30s so if your curious about my journey/or the process I'll be happy to answer!

Although you are young and in terms of infertility that is a very good thing, however nobody really knows whether or not they will conceive easily, carry the pregnancy to full term and give birth to a healthy baby. The journey is very unpredictable.

*fertility rather not infertility!

@anthurium I’m definitely going to look into it. Although I am at slightly higher risk for more miscarriages so going through that on my own terrifies me.

Been chatting normally via text with the guy this post is about today. Normally one of us would have slept over on Saturday but I’m not sure what my thoughts are on that I might just judge it closer to the time. At the moment I’m definitely not feeling sex with him so probably won’t do that.

If you meet up, do it in a neutral place like a restaurant or pub. Makes it a lot easier of you don't want sex.

Let go and move on. If this is what it's like at this early stage, it's only going to get worse. How weird for him to randomly highlight that he focuses on your differences, yet won't really elaborate on them.

He's making you feel insecure and unsure. This is not the relationship for you.

You're 29, and a lot of people (particularly women) can start panicking because they think you have to be at a certain stage of life when you're 30. It's nonsense. Don't let your biological clock make you settle for less.

Freeze your eggs. Keep yourself fit and healthy. There are plenty of women 35+ who still go on to have healthy babies naturally anyway.

I just feel so so sad today. Because of my shitty experiences dating it’s given me such a negative outlook and I genuinely feel like I won’t find happiness with someone.

im still talking to this guy but if it doesn’t work I think I’ll be done with dating for a long while, which in some ways I know I’ll be happier but it also makes me sad too that other people find their happily ever after and some some reason I can’t. I have been doing a lot of work on myself with therapy but I think I still have a bit of a way to go. I am prepared to do motherhood on my own in a few years but the thought of it does make me sad because it’s not how I imagined.