Hot and cold advice

[Tinydancer123]

Hi all ,

Fairly new out of a long term relationship that had been breaking down for years.

Recently went to a bbq at a family friends where I grew up. Bumped into a lovely guy who I have known for years and we shared a kiss. He asked for my number and initially was quite full on really lovely messages.......admittedly I did ask him to maybe not be so full on as it was abit much as I am newly single. However I said would like to keep in contact and take it slowly. He agreed and mesaages continued.

He then went queit sent me a message saying his ex was causing issues and he needed a few days . He then opened up and said he was concerened about the distance (1 .5 hrs ) . So we discussed this and he said he would like to try and see how it went as did not want to risk not giving it a chance.

We discussed meeting up next weekend but I have now not heard for 2 days and I am starting to feel that maybe he has again had second thoughts.

I do not want to be chasing but equally there seems to be alot that we have in common and that there could have perhaps been something in it. I sent the last text which said we would need to arrange the call we had discussed another time and not heard anything since.

Any advice ?

Ahh I hope this happens for you.
2 days isn’t a long time, especially during the working week, so don’t panic.
I have been in a similar situation so know what it feels like to be constantly waiting for him to message you…you just need to distract yourself. Let him contact you next.
And if the meet up happens next weekend, let us know

I would just wait and see, he seems to be doing as you asked.

Hi all well last night took a turn for the worst ! So for context he has been really full on telling me he misses me etc ( we have known each other 17 years ) and I would say from about last Friday things changed. ( this could be because I asked ) His ex is hassling and I know be was dating a women from the gym. Who he sees at the gym- I feel it is more me with texts and more me wanting to see him.

Anyhow I text last night after hearing nothing saying should would leave the meet up next weekend . To which he replied yes as he does not know what time he has to have his children. I am in the area next weekend anyway for a mutual friends birthday. I basically was a twit and it is my fault I just said let's forget it and said lets pretend it never happened so it does not impact mutual friends. I threw my dolly out the pram essentially - he told me he is deleting my number, doesn't get where it is coming from but understands. Then said he was probably better off alone.

So I am now feeling like an idiot...... it has all just been so confusing......I literally felt like we had such a connection but the ex , the gym women and weird online but not texting behaviour . Plus going thru a divorce has sent me over the edge. I know I have f#### it and been a bunny boiler.
I now have to go to mutual friends party after I have been an idiot. I did send a follow up text he did not reply. 🙄🙄

Hand hold ?

Sounds like he has way too much going on at the moment. It is a shame, but at least you didn’t get too deeply involved. Is he going to be there at the weekend?

I think you need to hold your own hand. Respect yourself. You want what you want in a relationship. He showed you that, despite the connection between you, he couldn't give you the time or energy that you wanted from him. And you didn't support your own wants.

You are allowed to want whatever you want. You have done nothing wrong by wanting what you want. The problem has come when you have expected someone else to give it to you. Quietly accepting that you are looking, ultimately, to settle with one person, and that all others will be 'the wrong guy' will help you. Accepting that some people who can be labelled 'the wrong guy' will cause feelings in you that make you 'throw your dolly out of the pram' will help you.

You have nothing to prove, and so it doesn't matter if you make mistakes, and that's all you've done; you made a mis-step.

Ask yourself what the most mature, quietly confident person would do at the party. What d'you think? Purple blushes and bursting into tears? Massive cringey embarrassment and cold sweats? Or just an eye roll at having behaved foolishly, briefly, a 'silly old me!' chuckle, and then dismissal of any further concerns about it?

OP I'm sorry, I've been really upset this week about a man who did the exact same thing in the beginning a few weeks ago. He chased me, wanted me, messaged lovely things a lot. Now gradually pulling back and it's made me feel like a complete idiot.
I know how you feel and completely get your reaction to him, I did something similar on the phone yesterday. I got angry and basically told him I felt it was very one sided.....needless to say I didn't really like the response.
Hope you're ok 💐

Thank you.

Yes I think my emotional maturity is quite tainted from my messed up marriage.

I am going to pull myself together go to the party and hold my head high.

Wrong guy move on......

my emotional maturity is quite tainted from my messed up marriage

No, you stayed in your messed up marriage for so long because you weren't emotionally mature. Stop blaming external things; start behaving in a way that is responsible for you. Look after you. Do things that will be good, long term, for you. If you'd done this in your marriage, you'd have been out of it much sooner. If you'd done this with this new guy, you'd have walked away rather than trying at the first instance to get him to behave in a way that wasn't his way.

You are responsible for the welfare of an adult human being. Do you know how big that responsibility is? A whole adult, and all the harm it can cause and all the beauty and power it has and can create. You are responsible for that. You are in total, sole charge of this adult human being. It's a big job. Step up. It's massively rewarding when you do!

Very good advice..... best start adulting