Success stories of two headstrong people together…

[Breakingcircles]

Just that really…. I love my partner but lately we keep clashing over silly things because we both want to be right. We don’t live together. Have both lived as independent adults for a long time (my kids still with me, his grown up). We’re both managers in our (very different) work, of large teams, so with a lot of control both at home and at work.

I recognise in myself a need to be in control all the time. Some of this is related to childhood stuff and an abusive marriage, some is I strongly suspect also rooted in developmental needs (ADHD assessment underway).

I admire him and I love how capable he is. But, equally sick of the bickering. We’re as bad as each other. Both want to make it work. God knows how we’d live together, which is the longer term plan. Can two very similar people make it work?

My DW and I have managed it. We love each other deeply but flipping heck have we argued and bickered. Married for over 20 years and now in our 50s we have calmed down a lot.

DW wants to be in control all the time and I have felt at times completely emasculated. I remember one day stanging in the shower and crying in frustration.

If I had my time again I would not do it. It's been tough and I can't believe there weren't better matches for each of us.

@ZaphodDent thanks so much for your honest reply. That last paragraph was a tough read - we’ve no joint responsibilities… maybe it’s kinder to let him go, didn’t think about it from the point of view of stopping him (or me) from finding a better match. This bickering isn’t nice. But I do love him and feel I couldn’t live without him either…

But your first reaction was to say you love each other deeply and I guess that does count for a lot.

Have you explored what it is about the childhood stuff that has contributed to your need for control? Maybe understanding and coming to terms with that can help you release some of the control (at home at least). Do you think that could ever be possible for you? You sound resigned to your fate.

@Adviceneeded367 posted this in another thread tonight (I hope they don’t mind me reposting) and it’s fantastically insightful. Not the exact same context, but you might find it useful:

As a controlling person, I’ve been introduced to therapeutic parenting where parents look for the “nurture need” behind behaviour. I’ve learned it applies to all people and often what we say or think we need is different to what we do actually need, and often what we want to achieve by asserting control is different to what actually happens.

When we assert control, we’re undermining the other persons autonomy, which in turn can create frustration and resentment.

I’m still learning, but my current mantra is “nurture trumps control” and I bring that to mind before my natural need to maintain control kicks in.

So I’d encourage you to consider why DH is reading LO a second story at bedtime (to spend more time with them? Because he’s a softy who can’t say no to them? Does it help him to wind down and regulate after a day at work? To avoid spending time with you?) For some working parents, bedtime is the best part of their day, enjoying reading a story to their child and having that special 1-2-1 time. Then consider, does you need to have control over what time bedtime is, how many stories are read etc trump that nurture need for both DH and LO who has that limited 1-2-1 time with their daddy?

I’m sure there are lots of other times that you can think of that you haven’t shared here that you can call to mind and I would encourage you again to look at the needs of the other people involved and consider whether your need for control in those situations really should have trumped their needs.

Getting your head around the fact that you’re controlling is hard - nobody wants to have themselves thought of as being controlling, but being able to be honest with yourself and admitting it to yourself allows you to know yourself better and to start to make changes.

If you’d like to know more about therapeutic parenting, Sarah Dhillon has written some books on the subject.

@UnusualJobForAWoman I suspect a lot of it is linked to childhood trauma (significant bereavements) and how my mum dealt with it all. I’ve booked counselling as I need to go there so to speak. I don’t want to live like this anymore.

@Cherchezlaspice Thanks so much, that is so helpful. I’ll look into that more. That’s a really valuable way to help put this into perspective - my need to be in control really should not trump the needs or the well being of those I care about….

In my experience there's always one person more "in charge" in a relationship, but you need the right balance - it's not healthy if one partner is too dominating and the other is too submissive.

However if you get two very headstrong people they're probably going to argue like crazy and end up hating eachother...

I can't really see it working

Sounds awful. Can’t imagine wanting to stay in a relationship where there is regular conflict.Is “headstrong” the adult version of “spirited” for children ie an attempt to make someone bloody annoying and insufferable sound somewhat positive ?

It can work.

OP, use your management skills.
Sit down and align on the goals.
Discuss how you can both play to your strengths.
Delegate things he'll own. Agree with each other what good looks like and then stay out of the way. Give feedback both positive and developmental in a calm respectful way at an agreed time.
Accept what you're responsible for and deliver as best you can. Again, invite feedback.
Work as a team. Communicate properly.

I'm in a not dissimilar situation - it's what we do 😊

This sounds like me and my ex. It didn’t work. I even went so far as to back off and over time I stopped feeling like myself and became very distant in my feelings for him. I know I do better with someone a little more laid back and who isn’t very argumentative.

Thank you all for your thoughts, appreciated.

@alwaysmovingforwards thanks so much. That’s really good advice and is what we are trying to do. We’re both aware of it and have some really good honest healthy chats about it this week. We both very much want it to work and have agreed ways forward that are respectful without diluting the other person if you know what I mean.

In fairness, as I said in my OP it’s clashing over silly things, it’s not ever full blown arguing fall out kind of stuff, it’s petty bickering but it can get wearing and needs to stop.

@MsTSwift it’s not awful, we’re aligned on the big goals and we have a lot of laughs. But I take your point, especially on the terminology! I’m learning to let go of the headstrong bits and really question what matters and I’m already feeling more at peace for it - alongside therapy to explore the why behind it all, as I said, lot of childhood trauma to wade through.

@Sunnytwobridges I did that with my ex-husband. Completely lost myself and he totally eradicated my sense of worth. Think that does contribute to my stance now but I’ve taken it too far!

Thanks again all.

At the end of the day anyone who has to be in control or the time or “right” all the time is going to have problems in a relationship. My ex always had to be “right” or at least feel anything that went wrong was equally my fault - I’m a guy who’s happy to compromise but in the end I got sick of it, lost respect for her because of it and it was a key part of the reason we divorced.

She’s now with someone who tends to react passive-aggressively and sulk, so never has to be questioned. The whole dynamic is based on not communicating, which I guess works but can’t say it strikes me as healthy.

As PPs have said, maybe best for both of you to get therapy.