Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Am I a mug?

23 replies

chickad · 31/08/2022 15:47

Hello all,

Feeling really lost at the moment. Been in a relationship for over 15 years. About 9 years ago we started to have issues. I found out that my partner had taken another woman out for lunch one day and when I asked him he repeatedly denied it. He only admitted it several days later when he realised he couldn’t lie his way out of it. I also found messages on his phone telling the lady who cuts his hair that he couldn’t see her anymore as he was attracted to her. We had many rows about this and he never really apologised just turned it round and said I was over reacting and there was nothing to any of it. Over the years I feel our relationship has become non existent. He barely spends quality time with me i.e goes on a date but then expects sex when he wants and makes me feel pressured when I don’t want too. He lets his family make nasty remarks about mine and rarely defends me. Fast forward to present day and we now have a five year old in the mix. He gives me barely enough money to cover food and my bills but I can’t work for myself as he’s tied me up in his business. I struggle to let go of past issues and things he does now make me Mistrust him. He has a lock on his phone and always places it upside down so messages can’t be seen. We went out to see a theatre show last week and he spent the entire time commenting on how gorgeous one of the cast was. Then when everyone got up dancing he was giving her the eye and she reciprocated by winking at him. I realise this may sound petty but it just makes me feel disrespected and I feel like I want out but worry about my 5 year old. Any advice would be much appreciated 🥹

OP posts:

newbiename · 31/08/2022 15:52

Yes you are. You sound very unhappy. Why on earth did you have a child after you'd caught him lying ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2022 15:52

How can you be helped here into leaving your mean and cheating partner along with a man at that whose family also disrespects you openly?. The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family.

How are you tied up in his business?. Are you actually registered as an employee or are you basically helping him out with the day to day running of it?.

Do not stay with such a man because of your five year old. Staying for the supposed sake of the child here is not easier at all and will only serve to teach he/she damaging lessons about relationships. What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Better to be on your own than to be as badly accompanied as you are now.

newbiename · 31/08/2022 15:52

Sorry , sounds harsh but I can't understand people in rubbish relationships then going on to have kids.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2022 15:53

The only one keeping you in this shit relationship is you. Why? It's been over for years. Stop wasting your life with this loser.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2022 15:57

The most important thing is to get yourself a source of income. As quickly as possible.

Original poster

chickad · 31/08/2022 15:58

It wasn't always bad and I've always convinced myself that I was over reacting because that's how I'm made to feel. He said he has never been unfaithful and didn't tell me about taking a girl out for lunch as i would read into it and she was just a friend. Please don't be harsh as I'm struggling at the moment! I'm tied up in the business as we're self employed and I'm a partner in his company. He's a good dad and I don't want to ruin my sons future.

OP posts:

Aikko · 31/08/2022 16:01

You have a partner that you have spent 15 years with, who is basically taking the piss, and doesn't respect you at all.
Don't stay with him for the sake of your child. This is not a healthy relationship to demonstrate to them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2022 16:20

How did he explain the hairdresser?.

I would seek to dissolve the business partnership. You being a partner in his business is basically another way for him to use and or otherwise control you.

He is not a good dad to his son if you're treated like this and not just by him but by his family too. Do not let your son grow up seeing his dad's example thinking, " yes this is how men treat women".

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 16:25

Where to begin?!

op - if you don’t start a new life for yourself, do it for your child. What a horrendous environment this is for you both

Surtsey · 31/08/2022 16:30

If you are a partner in the company then surely you must be a signatory on the business bank account?

To be honest, I suspect that you're not really officially a partner in the business at all, and he is using your tax code and allowance to reduce the amount of tax he pays. While at the same time

Surtsey · 31/08/2022 16:31

Sorry posted too soon..

while at the same time he isn't paying you your fair share of the business earnings.

Original poster

chickad · 31/08/2022 16:32

I did confront him about the hairdresser and he said he did it so that she would not expect him in again. But to me he only told her as he was hoping she would say she was attracted to him back. Im so confused mentally. I hate him for the things he's done but at the same time I love him and know he would find someone else in a heartbeat. He's always looked after himself while I've let myself go since having a little one. I used to be a very feisty female and can see I'm a shadow of my former self but there's always this voice in my head saying I'm over reacting 😩 I know I can be difficult to live with as I am a bit OCD but I've never lied to him or pursued other people.

OP posts:

Original poster

chickad · 31/08/2022 16:33

Yes your spot on about the business set up. I'm just made use of for tax purposes. But then he says he's working hard so I can be at home with our little one.

OP posts:

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 16:39

you don’t work and you have one school aged child?

I reckon your confidence from your last post is in the gutter. I imagine that hairdresser giggling with her colleagues about your partner aka “sleazeball”.

either way - you have a child and this is no life for him/her. Especially as his mother I suspect is very lonely, bored and depressed.

RobertsRadio · 31/08/2022 16:40

It sounds like you are not married. You should go and see a solicitor to find out what your rights are and if you are entitled to anything and then make your plans to leave him.

Original poster

chickad · 31/08/2022 17:01

My little guy starts school in September . Yes we are engaged but not married. I think your right about legal advice as I know it can be messy in these situations. Thankyou everyone for your comments. I appreciate them however harsh as deep down I know I've been silly. Just kept hoping things would get better 🥹

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 31/08/2022 17:20

Crikey, I just stopped going to my hairdresser I’d don’t worry he was expecting me in.

Men think we’re stupid don’t they?

Original poster

chickad · 31/08/2022 17:50

Sadly I think I have been 🥹

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2022 18:54

I'm tied up in the business as we're self employed and I'm a partner in his company.

But it doesn't pay you or support you. So get a job.

He's a good dad and I don't want to ruin my sons future.

The first thing a good dad does is treat the mother of his child well. Without that it's meaningless.

And engaged not married, self-employed and mean? You're screwed if you don't become self-supporting and he knows it. You HAVE to work on this. He will also get another female mug to do his childcare for access. Which means finding a way to leave means finding a way to make money.

allboysherebutme · 31/08/2022 22:42

I am afraid to say you are, he does to you what you allow him to.
Move on and leave him, truth of the matter is he needs you more than you need him that's why he keeps you down.
Move on and make a better life for you and your child, you both deserve better and your child deserves to be brought up in a happy home. X

Midpmcoffee · 01/09/2022 07:41

chickad · 31/08/2022 17:01

Who has been harsh?

Op you need to be harsh. On your partner. For your sake and your son’s but I have a feeling that you won’t be. Please try

Midpmcoffee · 01/09/2022 07:42

Surtsey · 31/08/2022 16:30

If you are a partner in the company then surely you must be a signatory on the business bank account?

To be honest, I suspect that you're not really officially a partner in the business at all, and he is using your tax code and allowance to reduce the amount of tax he pays. While at the same time

But this will stand her in good stead even if just done for tax purposes

Kate0902900908 · 11/04/2023 10:00

He’s taking the absolute piss out of you.
This is not how someone who loves and respects you treats you. Your allowing this and so he will carry on because you accept it. As for dates and expecting sex that is disgusting behaviour! You deserve better!!! not giving you enough money? Does he have you down at this business as taking a wage? I would see a solicitor in secret and make sure you know where you stand.
Financially start planning the escape. Get your cards in a row and make sure you have a plan. This man doesn’t love you- your convenient.

Flip