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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant and my mother-in-law just doesn’t seem to like me, it’s getting me down.

15 replies

Cookiemonster83 · 31/08/2022 11:31

Hi, I’m 30 weeks pregnant. Me and my boyfriend and daughter (different father) have just moved in together about 2 weeks ago. Been together a few years.

the thing is his mum just doesn’t seem to like me and at the moment with hormones etc it’s really getting me down. I don’t have anyone my side to help me, my own mum has a health condition so can’t and I lost my dad. I don’t think there is anything particularly bad about me to dislike.

She makes constant negative comments about everything I say. She hasn’t come to see the house or offer any help with anything. Doesn’t ask about the baby or me or anything at all. The other day we passed at a local event and she just walked past. It’s awful. I’ve just been diagnosed as anaemic and I’m so exhausted I’m waiting for a transfusion . I told her last week and she just said oh well just get on with it. Is it too much to just offer support or help.

OP posts:

DecorateTheTree · 31/08/2022 11:36

Wait for the many many many comments to come up from others who have the same issue as you. No one could be good enough for her son. Be polite. Don’t take it to heart. Who knew you held so much power to make a grown arse woman behave so ridiculously!!!

Original poster

Cookiemonster83 · 31/08/2022 11:39

I have a friend pregnant at the same time and her boyfriends mum loves her and is so so excited, I’m really jealous I would love that. I not perfect by any means but I don’t think I’m that bad either to dislike like this.

OP posts:

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 31/08/2022 11:41

Its not you, its her. She isn't the most important woman in her son's life anymore. Don't feel as though you have to put up with people who deliberately make you feel anxious or upset. Let your oh make the visits to his mother alone. It'll be her loss, not yours.

Gemswaitingfoottap · 31/08/2022 11:42

Although aimed at possibly a partner this video still applies to you. Stop giving her so much power over you. You are having her grandchild, up to her whether she wants to be involved or not. Pissing off the Mother of said child could be a huge mistake. Hopefully your partner supports you. Is your Mum around?

Loachworks · 31/08/2022 11:49

MlL is similar but I'm thirty years further along than you. We were married, had a house and
I had no other children when I got pregnant (and am still happily married) so it was hard to get my head round it until I realised it was I'd taken her precious son.

As long as your partner fully supports you and doesn't side with her that's all that matters.

MMmomDD · 31/08/2022 11:53

Who knows what her issue is.
Most importantly - you aren’t in a relationship with her - your relationship with baby’s father is what is important.
Focus on that.
Two if you are having a baby and you need to count on yourselves.

goldfinchonthelawn · 31/08/2022 11:53

Take trying to please her off your to do list. If she walks past you in the street and shows no concern at all that you are ill while pregnant then she is cold-hearted and cruel and I wouldn't want a child of mine to get too close to her.

Focus on your health and wellbeing and on establishing a strong loving bond with your DP and your daughter. Don't contact her, don't woo her, don't initiate conversation if she is visiting, ignore her comments if she's bitchy - literally, say nothing, just let her bitchiness hang in the air, don't try to rescue it.

Reset your expectations of her to zero. Don't hope she will change, don't try and build a relationship. Be polite and unemotional in dealings with her - like two colleagues who have to work together - never behave in a way she can fault but never try to charm her either.

Original poster

Cookiemonster83 · 31/08/2022 11:54

My partner is so sweet and I don’t think he can see it. I have said to him I’m feeling awkward when we visit them. I have noticed her acting different and stand offish towards him also so maybe he can sense it. They have also booked a months holiday when baby is due so that’s nice of them.

OP posts:

Madmax1992 · 31/08/2022 12:25

Sounds like she's jealous that her son has got a life away from her, did he live with his parents before he moved in with you? I'd honestly just give her a wide birth! There's no point trying to be nice and involve her in anything if she's being an arse x

5128gap · 31/08/2022 14:12

Cookiemonster83 · 31/08/2022 11:54

I'm sorry, but your partner isn't not seeing this because he's sweet. Constant negative comments? Ignoring you in the street? It's not sweet of him to unsee these things when they're disrespectful and hurtful to you. He's taking the easy way out. He needs to step up, have a word and tell her it's not on to treat his life partner and mother of his child that way. That HE'S noticed and HE needs it to stop.

AlexNye · 31/08/2022 14:20

I think she's bitter that her precious little boy is now raising another mans offspring.

Original poster

Cookiemonster83 · 31/08/2022 19:18

Perhaps @AlexNye but only physically not financially. He has been in my daughters life since she was 3 so they get on really well. At his age there would have been a high chance he’d meet a partner with children as he is in his mid 30’s. Perhaps I’m not not the women they would have chosen but I’m really not that bad just because I have a child. I have a lot of positives also. Financially secure so not after money or anything. Who knows why she is like this.

OP posts:

Thistlelass · 01/09/2022 02:40

A mother-in-law here. I know I make mistakes sometimes in this role. It is the first time I have had to play it and, a bit like being a new mum, it takes a bit of getting used to. I'm not jealous of his relationship with her as she makes him happy. I have a few sons anyway lol. But I do confess I do not want my personal relationship with this particular son to be lessened. As the older generation we do have wisdom experience to share.
This will be a very difficult time for you and very tiring. Exciting too and that MIL will be desperate for the baby to arrive. The relationship will take time to develop anyway. I like to try and find out what my DIL is into and understand her more. Mine lost her mum when she was only 5 and her father passed age 63. She has seen a lot of death. This makes her very much a life is for the living while you can type of girl. A lot to be said for that.

Bordesleyhills · 01/09/2022 02:50

Can sympathise as mine is similar- but I realise it’s not me it’s anyone and I’m married... I took her son. Am I bothered- not now but it causes lots of hard feeling. Make your own happiness and try not to worry.

Shoxfordian · 01/09/2022 06:42

Stop caring so much about her and let him go see her on his own; they’re not your family so don’t expect anything from them

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