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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being stupid

16 replies

Busymum221 · 31/08/2022 10:50

I am with a lovely guy who I met via eharmony 10 months ago , he says he loves me ( I left an abusive marriage previous to eharmony so m unsure of myself) and is very kind and sweet .
when we got together I joked he was probably much suited to a friend of mine ,it was a joke , but over the months he would subtle tease me about her . I asked him to stop as it was stressing me out.
Anyway I hit a mental health rough patch recently very low he struggled to cope .
he thought I was going to end our relationship ,( I guess his fear is that I will do it suddenly as that’s what his last girlfriend did )
anyway he added this friend on snap chat and viewed her only fans he eventually told me he had also been messaging her ( she didn’t tell me we aren’t that close) the messages were normal messages nothing sexy/flirty. ( although I know
he saved the screen shots of her only fans )
i was a little shocked and he says it’s because he wanted something to hurt me with , as he thought I was going to hurt him . That was a week ago .
Then yesterday my bloody eharmony payment came out I told him was going to check when it ends so I went on and low and behold it showed he accessed it the day before … he is absolutely adamant he hasn’t showed me emails etc but I know he’s an internet history deleter so too me he’s probably just deleted it …. Do you think I am wasting my time . My hearts breaking not knowing if I should trust him any more and is it worth just finishing it .

is he just another guy that is always on the search for better .

OP posts:

Crunchingleaf · 31/08/2022 10:55

It’s sounds like hard work for a relationship in the early days. In the early days you mostly get best version of a person and this guy is showing you glimpses of his real character. He holds on to stuff to hurt you….major, major red flag for me OP.

Original poster

Busymum221 · 31/08/2022 11:01

That why I thought , even if it was because he was worried I would leave him .
i just don’t know what to feel , I don’t really get the internet deleting history thing either unless you have something to hide .

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 11:02

he says it’s because he wanted something to hurt me with , as he thought I was going to hurt him

Is this a relationship dynamic you want to stay in? Do you think this happens in healthy relationships? What do you think would be a healthy thing to do, if you felt that your partner might hurt you?

fedup078 · 31/08/2022 11:03

Wow. Throw this one back

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 11:03

i just don’t know what to feel

In a healthy relationship, this doesn't come up. You know what you feel, and it feels positive. As soon as you start thinking 'Huh? This makes me feel odd...', that's your cue to talk to your partner. If their response doesn't help, that's your cue to leave the relationship.

DecorateTheTree · 31/08/2022 11:08

I’m not on OF but seen that many accounts are porn-esq pictures - your friend might not be it could be about her hobby of fishing?!?!? But I’d want to know what type of account she has and why he felt the need to pay for access.

has he told you why he’s subscribed to her account, why are they messaging on that and not via WhatsApp if it’s just friendly?

He doesn’t sound like a keeper. You made a off hand remark about a friend does this give him permission to subscribe to your friends account? If she is posing in porn-esq pictures there must be hundreds of other accounts he could have subscribed to. He’s gone for her to hurt you.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 31/08/2022 11:09

In 10 years my dh has never conjured something up to hurt me.
Ditch for that alone op.

Original poster

Busymum221 · 31/08/2022 11:13

its porn style as she showed me a while back nothing out but her laying in bed clutching her breast etc .
i know your right , I just am so saddened by it all , I will be talking to him later .

OP posts:

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 31/08/2022 12:02

@DecorateTheTree I thought Only Fans was for saucy stuff, not fishing! Do they have Only Fans for trainspotters, birdwatchers and metal detecting?

GreyCarpet · 31/08/2022 12:38

Blimey. I'm a bit too old to have friends with OFs accounts but I'd dump immediately for that. It wouldn't even be a decision, I'd do it instinctively.

Ditto for anyone storing up any ammo to hurt me with.

Come on, surely you don't think this is worth pursuing?

is he just another guy that is always on the search for better

Who gives a shit. Surely you're a woman who is on the search for better?

Original poster

Busymum221 · 31/08/2022 12:49

GreyCarpet · 31/08/2022 12:38

Blimey. I'm a bit too old to have friends with OFs accounts but I'd dump immediately for that. It wouldn't even be a decision, I'd do it instinctively.

Ditto for anyone storing up any ammo to hurt me with.

Come on, surely you don't think this is worth pursuing?

is he just another guy that is always on the search for better

Who gives a shit. Surely you're a woman who is on the search for better?

I guess I don’t think that he is worth pursing , but my hearts ruling my head at times. ,

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 13:05

My hearts breaking not knowing if I should trust him

my hearts ruling my head at times

So your heart doubts you can trust him, but it's the one making you stay?

Your heart is YOU. It's telling you you're not comfortable in this relationship. Your head is your conditioning. It's telling you what you've been taught, somewhere along the line: you should put up with being made to feel below par by your partner.

Your heart is the bit of you that will be happy when you're happy. It's the part of you that needs to be respected, because if it isn't respected, like the rest of us, it will always feel uncomfortable.

Original poster

Busymum221 · 31/08/2022 13:08

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 13:05

My hearts breaking not knowing if I should trust him

my hearts ruling my head at times

So your heart doubts you can trust him, but it's the one making you stay?

I hadn’t thought of it like that , , I just no one the last week I have gone from being happy to being anxious nervous and feeling sick , so I know I have to do something .
thank you for your advice .

OP posts:

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 31/08/2022 14:19

so you suffer a mental health rough patch and his response is to search for and message this woman that he knew you were uneasy about, purely to hurt you?

He doesn't like you very much OP, please don't let this piece of shit any further into your life. Get rid, he will destroy your mental health

Dery · 01/09/2022 07:10

“so you suffer a mental health rough patch and his response is to search for and message this woman that he knew you were uneasy about, purely to hurt you?”

This. What an utter prick. You can’t trust someone who thinks like this. If this is how he rolls, no wonder his previous GF ended it.

Hiddenvoice · 01/09/2022 07:54

You’re going through a hard time so he thought he would make it all about him and make things feel worse for you.
The fact that he felt he needed something to hurt you with incase you split up with him is awful. Sorry but I’d end it with him. He seems very immature and I wouldn’t trust that any time you have a little argument, he would go and do something stupid.

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