Do we need to slow down?

[starynight63]

So 3 months ago I decided to start dating again, and connected with an old flame on OLD... we met to 'catch up' but massively hit it off and it's gone from strength to strength since then. I have 2 DC from previous relationship, he has none.
He was always an amazing man, we just weren't in the same place 11 years ago so it never progressed. But we've had contact through the years on a friendly level. He did a lot of travelling, but has since settled back in the UK and has his dream career so is now in a position to settle down. He's a real family man (wants children but is also SO accepting of mine) we've met each other's families and I know his friends already so know he's genuine.
We both told each other we loved each other after 4 weeks, but we both felt it sooner. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man but didn't know it existed.. we are so similar it's crazy.

My question is, can this really happen? Has anyone else truly fallen so quickly and it's worked out? We both want the same things moving forward, but I'm keeping the breaks on a little because of my DC which he's very respectful of.

I've been through such an awful past relationship, and didn't ever think I'd trust again so I'm slightly worried that I'm just being swept up in being treated so well which I'm not used to.

Good and bad experiences are welcome, I'm hoping I get the truth that I'm used to on here!!

Your brakes need to be on far more than just a little. You have two child to protect here, and this situation has love bombing written all over it. You barely know this man at all, and your children are being set up to be collateral damage.

If he is as wonderful as you say he is, he will be more than happy to slow things down and put your kids first.

lots of red flags here. If he’s as lovely as you say, he Will understand the need to slow down.

It does sound like love bombing and honestly, maybe you should take a step back to think about this logically. You don’t know each other really and can’t possibly love each other. If it were me, I’d be backing away from this.

You've been through an awful past relationship therefore you need time and "practise" to work out how to be in a good relationship.

There are red flags here and children to put first.

There is a lot more to find out and experience before either of you can truly love each other.

Thank you for replying! My worry was that I wouldn't see if it was love bombing... but I feel the same way so how do I know if he is love bombing me? Also when would I know if it's a reasonable time frame to progress?

So do you think if I put the breaks on more, he'll either be happy to wait too etc or he'll freak out and then I know it's love bombing?

I think that if you've had an awful relationship in the past, your idea of what a 'good' relationship looks like may be skewed. If you've endured some kind of abuse for any length of time, your ideas of trust and independence may be skewed. Have you done anything to find out why you were in that relationship, and why you stayed for the length of time you did, putting up with poor treatment?

If you've not got that all straight in your head (and I suspect you haven't because you're already posting here about a new relationship), then you need to look to yourself and your mechanisms before starting anything new.

You need to understand that the only person who can tell you whether or not you need to slow down is you. If you're looking for advice from others about how to run the basics of your relationship, you're still looking for external validation (ie you think that there's a right and a wrong) rather than being guided solely by your own feelings (which is a healthy way to make attachments to people)

I'd say that the healthy place for you to be is 'I'm worried we need to slow down, so I need to heed that worry. If this relationship was going at a pace that worked for me, I wouldn't be worried at all. I need to tell him that I have a worry that we're going too fast, and I need the conversation that follows to reassure me, so that I'm not worrying anymore. If not, I need to reconsider the relationship.'

Were you raised in a household with abuse or neglect? Were your feelings put aside for a parent's 'more important' issues, like a noisier, needier sibling, or an illness?

I don't think you need to stop so much as remain where your are for a while.

He isn't a stranger you met online, he's an ex you've got back in touch with, who you've had episodic contact with for a decade and with whom you share mutual friends.

This is the nice bit. Continue to date for don't move in. If the kids go to their Dads keep the sleepovers until then. Do the odd thing with the kids but more without. Don't talk about babies and weddings in front of the kids.

How old are you age the kids? Do you want more children?

What work/therapy did you do to discover why you were attracted and stayed so long in your last relationship and have you worked at your own personal boundaries so this doesnt happen again? Please be mindful if you are in the honeymoon phase of the relationship where everything is wonderful and you feel like you are walking on air and cant believe you have found your soul mate. Take a big step back and take your time with this. It may well be the most amazing relationship you have ever had but time will be the factor here. I wouldn't introduce him to your children just yet as they will be suffering still with the after affects of the previous relationship. The 'love' you feel so soon is the chemicals in your body doing tricks on you. You are in lust I expect with a mixture of limerence too. A heady feeling indeed. If after a while these feelings move into real love then that will be lovely. Time will show you this. Give it another 6 months minimum of boundaries and backing off and see where you are after that. Its not all doom and gloom but you have children to think about and their emotional welfare after your last relationship.

It is possible that he is love-bombing and a bad 'un.
It is possible he likes you just like you like him, and this will be a great longterm relationship.
It is possible that you both like each other for now, but this won't work out long term.

You will never regret slowing things down and taking your time. If you are right for one another, you will both be willing to wait, and you will see over time that this is a good, healthy long term relationship. Nothing lost. If he's a bad 'un, then he won't respond well to being asked to put the brakes on, and you will have a better chance of flushing him out.

However, if you continue running at full pelt, you won't get the chance to see warning signs, and you will be in very deep by the time you see them, with more risk of being hurt and disrupting your children's lives.

Go for it. You live once. Of course your going to protect your children but if you both feel the same I don’t see how he’s love bombing you. I absolutely was in love with my husband within a month and we have now been married for 17 years and have 3 children

Working for me so far and we fell for each other very very early on. Still love bombing each other if that is what building each other up is, being very postive about each other al the time, compliments etc. Both of us do it. Neither of us thought we could find what we have found and we are like two peas in a pod so personally I think yes it can happen. 6 months before kids were introduced and even they all get on with each other. Go for it I say and best of luck :)