Life after a toxic relationship

[passionfruitpariah]

Just had a big girl happy cry now that I'm settled into my new home and I'm thinking of all the things that I can do now that I couldn't do when I was in an abusive relationship..what are yours?

I'll start

Having my phone notifications on so I'm not accused of all sorts...
Leaving dishes in the sink and not being accused of being lazy...

Spend time with whatever friend I want to
Not having to respond to messages in a certain time period
I can go to a gig by myself! (Apparently I was too trusting so it would be dangerous for me to go and have a drink because someone will take advantage)
I can order 3 sides instead of one main meal

Leave something out
Speak when I like
Not keeping child quiet
Cook when I'm hungry

Can put any glass, knife or pan I like in the dishwasher instead of having to wash certain ones by hand
Can do the laundry without having to separate, hang and fold all his clothes according to his instructions
Can eat all the foods I like and not have to restrict myself to his discerning (read: extremely limited) palate
Can buy whatever I like for the house without comments about how my choices offend his discerning (read: industrial modern) aesthetic taste
Can watch what I like on TV without comments about it being too "lightweight"
Can listen to the music I like without comments about it being too "populist"
Can have friends over without worrying what he will say to offend them or make the conversation all about himself
Can hang out and be silly with the kids without him regarding us with unamused forebearance

No longer being told I'm controlling, pathetic, unreasonable, oversensitive, insensitive, too opinionated, cold, horrible, lying, cheating, perfectionist, expecting way too much of him and lazy.

I can do what I want and go where I want with DS
I don't have to worry about what kind of mood he is in
I can spend money on DS, the house,myself and even the bloody cat
I can eat when I want and shower when I want
I can have a bath
I can go to bed when I want
I can drink alcohol
I can ask someone to babysit
I can cry
I can keep my house clean (ish)
I can work in peace
I can sit in the garden all day
I can shut the bedroom window
I can scroll Facebook
I can be happy
That felt really good to write. Thanks!

Oh, I can also read and watch what I want on TV! And I can eat a takeaway all to myself.

No more fucking shouting!
Privacy
Utter uninterrupted freedom
No more tears or anguish
No more moodiness hanging over the house
Bedsheets that have only my scent
I can sprawl in any part of the bed I like
Smoke in peace
No sexual expectations
Blissfully quiet home
A kitchen that stays clean for more than half a day
Long uninterrupted showers
Not being ruled by the clock in my free time
Speak to my friends all night
Clean bathroom
Never cleaning up after anyone
An entire wardrobe to myself
Only my stuff in the washing machine
The remote controls are only for me
No more watching television that doesn’t interest me
Special treats without sharing
Eat whatever foods or takeaways I damn well please
Not being woken in the morning
Happily play on my phone at bedtime
Playing loud music / singing along
No more ride alongs in the car
Unlimited early nights
Free weekends
Spending less

Well I missed one, that I'm doing right now, I can wear pyjamas all day if I'm not going out without being called lazy.
I bet there's more.

Talk to other members of the human race without being accused of having a sexual relationship with them

Have a nice bar of chocolate without being told to be careful I don't gain weight

Totally relate to the dishwasher one ☝️

No shouting. Peace. No walking on eggshells. No more OCD shit about his sleeves being ironed “the right way”. No more being told I’m insecure/ jealous of “his beautiful children”/ spiteful/ hateful. No more being told I’m not appreciate enough because his fat lazy arse put up a paddling pool and it “broke his back “. I could go on…..

I desperately need to do this list.
Coming back in a mo!

No more confusion or trying to figure out mad behaviour.

I can hoover whenever I want.
I can sleep at night without being hurt.
I can have a household that is calm.
I can spend what I want without justification.
I can make dinner at any time.
I can cook non organic food without it ending up in the bin.
I can go to a shop and buy food that's there and not drive miles sourcing organic ingredients.
I can cook baked beans on toast for tea.
I can feel tired and have help.
I can feel safe and don't feel scared in my own home.

I knew there'd be more...
I can file my nails without comments
I can eat my meals downstairs, I can even sit at the table
I can watch my TV downstairs
I can light my candles
I can choose never to shave my legs
I can have my hair cut

A long time ago for me now but I remember those early days of being free.

I loved being able to choose what play the music I wanted without criticism

I can have sentimental or nice possessions without the fear of ex dp smashing them up in front of me

I loved not having to hide any money I had, just being able to leave it in my purse was amazing. My ex would steal everything, even DS's birthday money.

I loved having a bit of spare cash to be able to buy myself some clothes and take DS out for the day

I loved sitting in the house with just DS without the fear of the drunken states my ex would return home in.

I loved being able to live my life without hearing gossip and stories about who ex-DP had ripped off / stolen from / harassed.

I loved not living in fear of retribution from people that ex-DP had crossed.

Not my problem anymore!

These are really bad. Some men (not all) can be absolute b*st*ds. Sending all of you all the love in the world and congratulations on being free!

Not having to keep my children out of the living room until I could get their drunk father off the sofa and into bed before they saw him.

I can sleep knowing that he's not going to try to have sex with me in my sleep.

I can wear PJ's in bed and be all cosy

I can go out without being asked where I'm going and why

I can do the school run without being questioned who I saw, who I spoke to and why

I can leave my phone notifications on and not worry I'll be questioned who's contacting me

I can show and blow dry my hair with being question why I showered and did my hair

I can go to the gym without being tracked and called constantly whilst I'm there

I can clean when I want
i can drive my car without being criticized
I can talk without being mocked
i don’t have to worry about being groped for lousy sex
i no longer feel lonely with him sitting right next to me
I can watch whatever I want on tv
i can watch tv as loud as I want
i can laugh and talk without being told that I need to lower my voice
no more petty arguments
no more feelings of resentment and contempt

im sure there are more lol

Not get cheated on
not questioning my own sanity
not being a maid
being able to watch a full film without him coming in and switching channels
feeling guilty when i had the odd night out
making his tea every night when he was at the pub
doing all the housework

Another!!

No more f'ing cooking programs 🙌

Some of these are so sad. I'm sorry you went through this. I'm also so happy for all of us to be freeeeeee!

Here goes

I can plan things to be at a certain time and make it so. Not having to wait around for his awful timekeeping. Then have him being cross because he's got in a flap about getting himself ready.
Not having to deal with all the unexpected moods
Not having the feeling of impending doom of when he may come out of his office
Not having to see his filthy office/cave -and smell it to be honest ( mental health problems)
Being permitted in every room of my house
Being able to spend time outside in the garden - because I have a functional garden. It's not very beautiful but it is not a building site (7 years of waiting). This is truly lovely
Being able to watch my children run freely in the garden and shriek with joy at being outside.
Not having to constantly find entertainment for them indoors, or take them out somewhere every single day because of the lack of garden.
Discovering that I do have a libido after all, just not one for him
I can be in my own home and be relaxed. I don't have to hang out in my van in car parks just to find somewhere peaceful.
( This one makes me want to cry for myself)
Being able to be with my friends and just relax and have fun, and not have an overwhelming need to tell them all about all the latest awful things that have happened at home.
To be able to keep on top of the laundry and basic cleaning- because he's not there instantly putting crumbs on the surfaces I've wiped and mud from his boots all over the floors that I've just cleaned. This sounds so petty but I swear the children are less messy than he was.
I don't cry every single time I'm on my own -the minute I was free of the kids and thus not keeping up the act, I would sob and sob.
I can buy stuff without having constant comments about how I'm so materialistic and basically destroying the worlds resources single-handedly.
I can eat a snack late at night without some comment about how I've put on so much weight.
I can have a gin without being told that I it's a really bad habit, and just as bad as his weed addiction. My habit is enjoyable and does not stop me functioning in normal life.
I can voice text my friends, which saves my hand pain, I didn't previously because I didn't want him to know what I was saying. Although the messages are no longer about him!
I can do my exercise and rehab that I need to do anytime I want to, without this odd feeling of not wanting to be watched, or actually crucially not being able to relax enough to do it as the movements are very mindful and require concentration.
I no longer have to be sad/ incredulous about his total lack of concern when I've been for hospital appointments- chronic genetic condition diagnosis, heart testing, breast lump.
I can give the children my full attention Which they deserve- without someone else demanding that I have an adult conversation with them about their interests and laying on the guilt if I'm not interested in their interests.
I can live without the fear of what if. He never hit me but I think was close to it a couple of times.
I can talk to the kids and not have what I've said got instantly disagreed with, our opposite instructions given so life is so much easier for them. Calmer
I can get into bed with a smile on my face