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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to coparent when utterly heartbroken?

26 replies

Dazedandconfused170 · 30/08/2022 19:42

My relationship of 8 years ended about 2 months ago, not my choice. We have a 1 year old.
He just says he became unhappy with everything. I noticed him withdrawing once our baby was born and I tried to uplift him & check in but he brushed it off. I put it down to the stresses of being a new parent

im still utterly heartbroken, if it wasn’t for our daughter I’d really struggle to function. I know it sounds dramatic but it’s where I’m at right now.
i cry every day

we are coparenting well but I’m finding it SO painful because it’s like every time I see him/am with him it’s in my face of what once was and I can no longer have

people who have been in this situation, one how do you get over it? Do I really have to just wait it out? And two, how do you manage to still see them and speak to them without it being so painful?

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 30/08/2022 19:47

When you say you are co-parenting well enough what does this mean? How often are you seeing him and how are you communicating?

Original poster
Dazedandconfused170 · 30/08/2022 19:50

We see each other regularly, he will come and do bedtime most evenings unless he’s away with work and has her overnight 1 night at the weekend. 2 nights last weekend as it was a bank holiday

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 30/08/2022 22:25

Do you need him to come and do the bed times most nights? Do you feel like perhaps less interaction might ease some of your pain?

LooneyToon · 30/08/2022 23:19

Na stop that.. he is just swanning in and out.. you will never recover. Be stronger, arrange for him to collect her and just take her to the door. He has it all right now.

JubileeTissues · 30/08/2022 23:22

He's got it all his way hasn't he? He doesn't get to come and put her to bed in your home because he chose to leave. You need distance from him and he's selfishly not giving you that.

Wildflowerbeauty · 30/08/2022 23:29

I agree , set some boundaries with him . He can’t have the rules all his way . The less you see him the better and he ll also then realise what he’s left , your relationship, he may miss it too

Itstimetoquit · 30/08/2022 23:32

Shouldnt be there at bedtimes,you will never feel better whilst hes in and out,the less you see him the better you will feel,put some boundaries in place xx

SpinningFloppa · 30/08/2022 23:53

I don’t know anyone who allows their ex to come and do bedtime after they’ve split no the wonder you are struggling to move on you need to put some distance and boundaries between you two.

londonlass71 · 31/08/2022 00:10

I thinknsort out contact. If he wants to see her he ca have her over night on a weds then every other weekend. She's 1 she will be ok with her dad. It will give you a break. Fuck him man.

NopeNotHere · 31/08/2022 00:20

Agree with others. Set up a routine where he has regular contact in the week and every other weekend and you don’t see him every day. He doesn’t need to have access to your bedroom areas of the house. This separation will make it easier for you but it will take time. It sounds like it is early days and it’s ok to grieve the loss of your relationship. It took me about a year to feel normal after my eight year marriage ended.

Runnerduck34 · 31/08/2022 00:34

Do you go and do bedtime when DD is staying at exs??
If not why are you allowing it at yours?
It is unusual for ex partner to come over and put their kids to bed every day after a split. I agree with pp that this is messing with your head and ex seems to want it all his own way. Its hard but realistically a split will mean less time with DD for both parents. For your own sanity put up boundaries, formalise contact time and agree whichever parents house DD is sleeping at gets to do bedtime for that evening .
I'm really sorry it's so tough right now, it will take time but it will get easier.

Theglowofcandles · 31/08/2022 01:20

It is really tough but the answer is time. Your other answer is seeing as less of him as possible. Be honest with him and tell him that in order for you to move on from all this and heal from it that you need a set structure with your baby and that involves him not doing bath/bedtime. A set structure where he collects/drops at door and keep contact to a minimum. Time will heal you but not if your spending more time with him than is necessary.

BadNomad · 31/08/2022 02:02

That is not coparenting. That is someone encroaching on your life, your personal space, your home because it suits them. Formalise contact and then let him get on with it. He can do bedtimes during his own contact time. You do not have to allow this man into your home. He lost that right when he left. You will feel much better when you stop seeing him daily.

tsttst · 31/08/2022 06:59

He walked out. He doesn't get to waltz back in when he likes. The child is one. She won't remember. Set up a whatsapp video for him to say good night to his kid on the nights she is with you. That way you are not denying him access, and for him to realize, this is how it is going to be.

hugefanofcheese · 31/08/2022 07:15

I agree. Agree on a routine and only see him for handovers. You can't have someone you still love coming in and out of your house most evenings and doing bedtime stuff. You need to make a cleaner break (obv bearing in mind you'll have to see each other for DC).

TooHotToTangoToo · 31/08/2022 07:43

Honestly you need to stop having him in the house, put some boundaries in place. If he wants to see your dd more regularly then he takes her to his house and has her overnight, it takes her for her tea. He doesn't step foot in the house. It's your home and safe space. You'll never heal if you don't get some space from him

Susiebluesie · 31/08/2022 07:50

Is 50/50 an option?
Right now he has the best of both worlds and you are stuck in limbo.

Playplayaway · 31/08/2022 08:40

Poor you. That sounds terribly difficult. He shouldn't be coming into your home at all. You are separated so he should be having contact with his dd in his own home.

You must put boundaries in place and work out how often he will have dd and how the handover will work ie he comes to the door, you hand over dd and her bag and pass along any info. He leaves. No coming inside for a chat or to play with dd.

He made his choice. He needs to live with it.

Dol4321 · 31/08/2022 09:23

Really unusual for him to be coming in your home to do bedtimes most evenings, no wonder you are struggling. He has broken up with you and left, but is still reaping all the benefits of his old life. You need proper distance, and a contact schedule.

he will soon feel what it is like to have left you, and you will finally start to get some closure by seeing him less.

SpinningFloppa · 31/08/2022 09:23

Susiebluesie · 31/08/2022 07:50

Is 50/50 an option?
Right now he has the best of both worlds and you are stuck in limbo.

Her child is 1 I very much doubt she’s going to want to be apart from her Baby 50% of the time most women don’t even want 50/50 with much older children

beachcitygirl · 31/08/2022 11:52

He's an absolute arse. The first year of a baby is always extremely hard & at first sign of trouble he walked away.

Set up mediation and agree a strategy. Don't allow him in your home so often. He's getting best of both worlds.

Your dc is still so young that 50/50 isn't really appropriate.

You need to disengage from him in order to heal. You need your friends & your space.

Put a stop to him coming into your house to do bedtimes.
So
Sorry op xx

Hopeandlove · 31/08/2022 11:55

LooneyToon · 30/08/2022 23:19

Na stop that.. he is just swanning in and out.. you will never recover. Be stronger, arrange for him to collect her and just take her to the door. He has it all right now.

This stop that. He is getting to be a family without being one.

any man that can get a woman pregnant and then not support her throughout the pregnancy and birth and the first year is not a decent man, husband and father - he is just not.

he’s doing all the nice bits but not getting up in the night etc

he takes her to his house one night a week and leaves you alone the rest. Proper boundaries

Apricot10 · 31/08/2022 12:28

My ex tried this, I was utterly broken and he swanned in and out, I watched him leave everytime to go back to a horrible flat he had with the OW.
Everyone is right you won't begin to heal until some distance is put between you and him. You don't have to be mean you just have to be straight forward and sit down and sort out a schedule for him seeing your dc.
And I promise you in time you won't feel as heartbroken, and at some point you won't care at all.
I won't lie it took me 3 years so not feel anything and that includes hate and anger, we were together 20 years.
You just need time.

Escapetothecountryplease · 31/08/2022 23:13

Hi I just wanted to say you can sort out whatever arrangement suits your family best. It can be unconventional, you do you.

I'm two months into a split, my decision and I moved out with the children ( also unconventional). My husband comes over for bedtime everyother night and this weekend we're actually all going away for a short break together.

It is painful as I still love him, just can't live with him and the relationship difficulties were really affecting kids and my own wellbeing. I feel like we're aren't completely over, just evolving, but he says that's it now. I cry at the thought of this, but also am thinking about how it might be to be with someone else..

Obviously everyone has their own complications, mine being his longstanding mental health struggles - so I'm even cooking him dinner the evenings he's round - he is flailing around and not managing well by himself. I'm sure he will with time, but this is working for us for the moment. I still care very much for him.

My husbands depression really kicked off with the birth of our first, and I hear this can be common as it is a massive trigger of any unresolved childhood issues/ trauma. Has he considered this? You can contact his GP yourself if you suspect this.

Perhaps him coming for bedtime is helpful to you? you can have a breather. I'm definitely glad when he comes as it takes the pressure off the relentlessness of them needing me constantly.

It was my idea that he comes to me rather than the kids going between houses as I feel this will be less unsettling for the kids, they may do overnights with him eventually but I also doubt his current capabilities.

What things can you do to support yourself at present? Journalling? Book club? Take a bath, get outside. Take care lovely, trust things will get better

Original poster
Dazedandconfused170 · 02/09/2022 23:53

Escapetothecountryplease · 31/08/2022 23:13

Hi I just wanted to say you can sort out whatever arrangement suits your family best. It can be unconventional, you do you.

I'm two months into a split, my decision and I moved out with the children ( also unconventional). My husband comes over for bedtime everyother night and this weekend we're actually all going away for a short break together.

It is painful as I still love him, just can't live with him and the relationship difficulties were really affecting kids and my own wellbeing. I feel like we're aren't completely over, just evolving, but he says that's it now. I cry at the thought of this, but also am thinking about how it might be to be with someone else..

Obviously everyone has their own complications, mine being his longstanding mental health struggles - so I'm even cooking him dinner the evenings he's round - he is flailing around and not managing well by himself. I'm sure he will with time, but this is working for us for the moment. I still care very much for him.

My husbands depression really kicked off with the birth of our first, and I hear this can be common as it is a massive trigger of any unresolved childhood issues/ trauma. Has he considered this? You can contact his GP yourself if you suspect this.

Perhaps him coming for bedtime is helpful to you? you can have a breather. I'm definitely glad when he comes as it takes the pressure off the relentlessness of them needing me constantly.

It was my idea that he comes to me rather than the kids going between houses as I feel this will be less unsettling for the kids, they may do overnights with him eventually but I also doubt his current capabilities.

What things can you do to support yourself at present? Journalling? Book club? Take a bath, get outside. Take care lovely, trust things will get better

Thanks for this.
Yes I suspect depression, he is going to counselling

He comes to do bedtime to absolutely give me a break and also to see his daughter and to be able to spend time with her.

I guess it will just get easier in time. Just a million times harder when you share a child!

OP posts: