How to date again - terrified TW sexual assault

[Someadviceplease1]

Two years ago I met a guy on a dating app. He raped me and I ended up pregnant. I had to have the MTOP alone during lockdown which living in my apartment alone. I lived in a dream world for a couple of months before the adrenaline wore off and I realised what had happened to me. I told no one until six months after the abortion when I disclosed it to a very close and trusting friend who works in Sexual Health for the NHS. I have to admit I was suicidal and still have moments of panic attacks, doubt, shame and guilt. I closed myself down for 1-2 years to peers which I understand was not the healthiest but probably the one way I felt I could cope.

I sought counselling from Talk Space and my therapist was great. I did loads of reading during lock down and tried to heal myself as best I could.

He has been reported to the police.

now, I am 35 year old woman. I have a thriving career as professional and I am very loving and have so much love to give

in the summer I went away with my sister and just back from another holiday. I seen couple after couple with little ones and it made me realise I really want companionship too - and my own family. I want to start dating again but after my expierence with online dating I am scared, but I do not want to be alone forever. I also know I have healed and processed as much as I can at the moment and would have felt selfish to be dating any sooner - I was in no way emotionally available for a relationship. Do I even tell my new partners about my SA? About the abortion? I am quite confused. It is very heavy stuff - also will Men be able to tell I have been sexually assaulted? Would it put them off me. I feel I maybe damaged beyond repair, I have missed my chance of happiness due to this bastard and most of the normal men my age are settled with children like all the couples on holiday.

any kind advice please. I am sorry this post is very heavy

Hello @Someadviceplease1 I hope you’re ok and are getting help in real life as well as seeking it here.

I am not an expert on SA (apart from being a woman who has had to handle shitty behaviour from men trying it on) or a therapist, this is just my opinion which I hope will help you to work out what is best for you.

Do I even tell my new partners about my SA?
No, I wouldn’t, not for a long time. It should not define you, and also I worry that abusive men will use it to make you feel bad.

About the abortion? Same as above.

will Men be able to tell I have been sexually assaulted? Would it put them off me.

Some may pick up on your body language or cautiousness and guess, but so many women have been subjected to awful behaviour that you would not be unusual to be hesitant or need to take things at a slower pace. If it puts a man off you then that shows that the man is a massive arsehole and is best avoided!

I’d suggest that you subtly look at their attitude towards consent and how they treat any boundaries. Just simple signs, how are they if you say that you don’t want to go to a place and want to go somewhere else? Do they show any of the red flags people talk about here(there’s a few threads on here that might help).

It sounds like you might see yourself dating but need help to handle the reality and feel that you have enough “armour” to feel confident enough. I do think that more therapy could help you with this. Maybe start with smaller ambitions, for example just getting out socially more in smaller then larger groups rather than focusing on dating.

Be gentle with yourself, you’ve experienced an awful thing and whilst it’s tempting to go out and dive in to dating, maybe go for a paddle up to the ankles first, then the knees, and gradually get yourself there.

I hope that’s helpful. There’s some good people on this board so I hope they will add to the responses for you.

I am so sorry that bastard hurt you. None of this is your fault & I hope you can carry on with some form of therapy as you continue healing.

Do I even tell my new partners about my SA?
You don't need to make a hard & fast decision about this.
There is no right or wrong approach, & there is also no need to tie yourself in knots wondering what you 'ought' to say. When the time comes, you will know if you want to disclose, how much you want to disclose. This goes for non-romantic relationships too - it may vary from person to person, & that is absolutely fine. You just do what is comfortable for YOU.

About the abortion?
Again - your business, your body, & you are not obliged to talk to anyone about if if you don't want to. Or - if it feels right, you could choose to tell a new friend or partner - IF you wanted to.

I am quite confused. It is very heavy stuff - also will Men be able to tell I have been sexually assaulted?
No my love.
They may pick up on some nervousness, but they won't know what it's about.
Decent men are aware that women can sometimes find their physical presence overwhelming. They know that - for some women - we might prefer to take things slowly.
They should (alas too many do not) also be aware that approx 80% of women & girls have experienced sexual harassment/assault, & that those women may need to be careful around some triggers.

Would it put them off me.
If it does, they are an arsehole & you will have dodged a bullet.

I feel I maybe damaged beyond repair,
You are not damaged.
This is not Victorian Britain where any woman who was not either a virgin or married was viewed as 'spoiled goods'.
What happened to you was done by that man, & all the shame belongs to him.
The damage belongs in the past. If you still feel unable to lodge it there, & firmly keep it there, please will you arrange some more therapy?
That does NOT mean that feelings of 'present damage' are any kind of failing in you OP. Trauma can resurface in the strongest survivors, & it's not about closing a door to the past & refusing to examine it - it's about finding ways to manage the discomfort that will inevitably resurface on occasion.

I have missed my chance of happiness due to this bastard and most of the normal men my age are settled with children like all the couples on holiday.
None of us know what is around the corner.
You are no more unable to find happiness than people who have been in a dreadful road traffic accident, or abused by their parents, or bereaved ...
That bastard cannot take your future happiness away. You may feel like this right now (& you are totally reasonable to have feelings of bitterness & resentment) but how much of that do you think is caused by your unconscious feeling that you are "damaged"?
And how much of that is connected to feelings of shame?
Because - remember - THAT SHAME DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU. It does not attach to you. You are as blameless & as worthy of happiness as someone who has been in an accident, suffered parental abuse, or been bereaved.

There is no need for you to apologise for the heavy subject matter.
You deserve support - here, from your therapist/counsellor, & in real life from friends & relatives you can trust.
You seem a deep thinking type of person with courage, self-awareness & consideration toward others:
I have healed and processed as much as I can at the moment and would have felt selfish to be dating any sooner - I was in no way emotionally available for a relationship.
Have you any idea how brave, touching & admirable this statement is?

Keep posting OP.
Two years ago, somebody did you some damage, That doesn't make you "damaged". You are a survivor, & you are not alone.

Some may pick up on your body language or cautiousness and guess, but so many women have been subjected to awful behaviour that you would not be unusual to be hesitant or need to take things at a slower pace. If it puts a man off you then that shows that the man is a massive arsehole and is best avoided!

ha ha SNAP with the cross-posting, @Rainbowshine !

Your rest of post is stonking too - see OP? You are not alone.
Most women, & all the decent men, will understand - & you don't have to tell anyone anything about this event-that-need-not-define-you, until you are ready & comfortable to do so - & if you wish to.

@KettrickenSmiled I think your post is spot on, too. There are arseholes who would take advantage and @Someadviceplease1 please give yourself time to feel ready in case you come across that, through therapy and other support. You only owe anything to yourself in terms of telling people about what has happened. Oh, and in case you get the “namalt” (not all men are like that) comments on here or elsewhere, feel free to ignore or say back that “too many men are like that and not enough people do anything about it”. You deserve support and happiness in good measure.

thank you for the responses - burst out crying with how kind you are
i am going to a place in town for EMDR on Friday to see if it can process things further

I really want to move on with my life now

thank you for the responses - burst out crying with how kind you are
i am going to a place in town for EMDR on Friday to see if it can process things further

I really want to move on with my life now

thank you for the responses - burst out crying with how kind you are
i am going to a place in town for EMDR on Friday to see if it can process things further

I really want to move on with my life now

i have a good mate who works in social services (troubled/abusive familes) who swears by EMDR.

& another one who is very experienced in bodywork, & the relationship between our minds & bodily responses. You are on the right path to your new, free life OP, & I hope you keep investing in yourself & your wellbeing.

Some great comments from earlier posters. I'm speaking from experience here (not date rape though) on one topic:

• Do I even tell my new partners about my SA?

This will vary by person. It's something I did not do, as it just did not feel right to me (that might be different for you, and if so that is OK). In the early stages of a relationship you are getting to know people, and a lot of relationships fizzle out for vey good reasons. For me it was something I could only discuss with someone I knew and fully trusted.

I'd discussed what happened to me in detail with my DSis and a close friend. That fact that I'd these discussions made it easier to discuss with my now DH. I had some understanding of how the conversation might go, that they might have questions, that it is not a once-off conversation, and you or they may want to discuss it again. It's a big thing to share for me, and not a simple item. It takes a time to have such a discussion, and takes time to process what it means.

For me, it's relief that I can speak with DH about it, for example when certain items appear in the news. He can also better understand what I'm feeling, and why.

I'd also expect that certain people never speak about certain events. They park them away and never want to speak about them again. My DF served in Northern Ireland during the troubles, it had a big impact on him, he never wanted to speak about what he experienced there.

You will move on with your life, and even the content of your posts shows that you are on that journey. It's a mixture of up and downs, but gradually moving on. Wishing you all the best!