This is probably going to be a long post so I apologise..
my husband who I love very dearly got married over a year ago and we have a beautiful little boy together. Last December we had some friends over, all men at the party who were work colleagues of my husband and a female who was the wife of DH work colleague. We had a lot of alcohol that night and talked very openly about wanting another child but not having any luck. DH work colleague and wife were meant to stay however they had an argument during the night and left, I was at the time good friends with the wife and tried desperately to find out if she was ok as she had sent a text shortly after leaving to say she was unhappy in her marriage and wanted a divorce, at this point one male colleague was still downstairs and had asked if we could stay over to which DH and I said of course, and DH and I went up to bed, DH fell asleep but I sat up worrying.
After my friend had text me and was not responding, I had gone downstairs to see if the male colleague had heard anything as I was worried and I knew the wife had a HUGE crush on this colleague and had messaged him before behind her husbands back when they had argued, he replied that he hadn’t heard anything and I broke down in tears worrying over my friend, he then proceeded to come on to me, I of course refused and pushed him off. He then whispered that he was going to “help me and DH get what we want” and proceeded to rape me, after doing so I just ran upstairs, trying to wake my husband up and sobbing, he of course was intoxicated and didn’t wake up. I laid there all night crying and wondering if this was my fault, had I been to open about mine and DH wanting another child?
I told DH and at first did not believe me however he eventually did and does to this day believe me. A found out around 4 weeks later that I was pregnant which ended in miscarriage, I suppose that was lucky although still heartbreaking. I since have tried to be friends with the wife but a huge part of me blames her for what happened to me, she and another friend knew of the incident but decided to instead bully and cut me out, I now see them constantly with each other and it’s just a constant reminder of what has happened.
To this day I am traumatised, I cannot be alone and I’m finding looking after my son so difficult because I am JUST NOT COPING. I can’t be around men alone, I stopped having friends, I’m finding im just not enjoying anything. I’ve just become a reclusive loner. I feel useless because I no longer see the point in being here, I try everyday to have a good day but I find myself empty, exhausted and down.
I don’t even know why I am typing this, I guess it’s just to finally tell someone so I don’t feel so alone, I’m just exhausted at parenting and carrying this over me.