Losing the dating plot

[Ywnaged]

I’ve posted before about awful experiences with OLD and took the advice of this forum when I ended a relationship with a Peter Pan type last year.

This summer has really taken the cake in terms of awful experiences and I need some tough love/a new outlook. It’s also against the backdrop of a really toxic job, a parent who likely has dementia and me trying to run s small business/change career.

I’m in my early thirties and have had two long-term relationships, one of which ended with an engagement. I have no kids and no real desire to start a family - I just want to meet someone nice to share things with!

The first man was controlling and when we parted I felt like I’d been given a new lease of life. I then quickly met his polar opposite and we were together for a couple of years. It was a near-perfect relationship at first but crumbled when his flaky and immature behaviour became too difficult to ignore. He was devastated when l broke up with him. So was I. This was around New Year.

Fast forward to this weekend and me and Peter Pan had a very drunken clinch where we both said we still loved one another/he reinforced how much I’d hurt him. He stayed the night and then blew me off. I half thought this might be us getting on track but I now fear that was the wrong thought process.

In July I struck up a relationship with a man in his forties who was really keen from the get go. We spent an entire weekend together on date 4/5 - his instigation. I left his house in the morning and - kid you not - never heard from him again. This did a massive number on my self esteem. I’m disgusted and angry in equal measure whilst also relieved that he’s not someone I will see again. The saving grace was that I already had my doubts about him.

Preceding him it was the usual carousel of inappropriate sex-hunting men (a guy turned up to our first date with his toothbrush!) or those who never wanted to meet/100s of ‘hi how are you’s and I’m now worried this whole thing is turning me bitter about men.

I’m not a man hater, I know there are good ones out there but I feel really miserable and fed up with how I’ve been treated lately. To friends I usually make light of how ridiculous things are but privately I’m really hurt and lost.

A dating hiatus is the obvious next step. Focusing on projects/my health etc. I live in a semi rural area so apps have been a bit of social lifeline in many respects.

How can I move forward?

Anyone?

You answered your own question!

You aren’t in the right headspace for dating at the moment so come off the apps, make a pact with yourself to not date for a while, and just enjoy an uncomplicated, albeit man-free, life until you feel less bitter and jaded.

So sorry OP
I am online dating too so feel your pain
As you don’t want a family, you’re in no rush, so take it easy and have a break
I do want a family and I’m late 30s so I’m forcing myself to date - otherwise I’d love to stay single for a few more years yet!

Thanks. I don’t quite know how to get over the bitterness right now. I just feel lost and like I will never meet anyone nice - even after a break

This has been my experience and so I feel your pain.

My expierences entirely and I feel your pain

I took a break from dating
Downloaded apps yesterday and have already been in tears

A dating hiatus is the obvious next step. Focusing on projects/my health etc. I live in a semi rural area so apps have been a bit of social lifeline in many respects

That's your answer...
Focus on you. You've got so much going on in your life right now dealing with the job and also with your parent's ill health.
You really don't need the added hassle of all this dating. It wrecks your self-esteem. Self-esteem is extremely precious.

You say you don't want to have children. As my Mam used to say to me when I was in my late 20s, early 30s and struggling to find a partner, "What the hell do you want a man for if you don't want children?"
And of course, I said for the company, to have someone to do things with, to have someone there for me, to be there for someone.
It's taken me until my mid 40s, with two awful long term relationships behind me, to actually understand what my Mam was saying. I don't want or need a man for anything. And once I started focussing more on friendships with a diverse group of people and on building my own self-esteem things began to improve and all this angst about dating, finding a decent man etcetc stopped. It was just wasting my life basically.

And now I've discovered I'm actually attracted to women, but that's a whole different story!!

This did a massive number on my self esteem. I’m disgusted and angry in equal measure whilst also relieved that he’s not someone I will see again. The saving grace was that I already had my doubts about him

You had doubts about him. But you saw him again, he did a number on you, and wrecked your self esteem. The error is yours. If you have doubts, don't give them access to you if their departure will affect your self esteem.

They are all allowed to behave however they want. It's your job to protect yourself, and you're not doing it. Your story is, essentially 'I dated a bunch of men who weren't right for me', and that's basically the story of most people who find a compatible partner. How far you let them get their teeth in when you have no idea who they are is up to you.

How can you move forward? By looking after yourself. By heeding the signs you see and feel in people. By not giving the benefit of the doubt. By walking away, rolling your eyes, rather than thinking it's about you when they leave without a word.

It's not you. Everybody wants something different. There's no crime in wanting a weekend with a stranger, and to walk away afterwards. The world isn't full of arseholes. Your self esteem can't be judged by someone else's behaviour towards you. You are you, with all your qualities and quirks, regardless of what some bloke says or does to you. You need to find a compatible partner, and discard all others. That's all. The fact that you haven't found him yet shows that you know what you want, and that you don't settle for less.

I‘ve posted a fair bit on other threads lately about really similar issues. I‘m mid 30‘s have a 13yr old but have basically been on my own since having him because of so many failed attempts at making relationships work. Every time I get comfortable they seem to do a 180 out of nowhere so its a huge shock and you just feel totally let down. And pretty much not good enough.

I‘m not prepared to settle either. I have met really really nice men but no spark at all and i do want that connection as well for me its super important. I only really had two relationships i wanted things to work out with and one man ended up having an ex who turned out to be pregnant. She announced it just as we had decided we wanted to be exclusive. That ended our relationship just as i had settled into it and started to enjoy the feeling of being with him.

This latest one admittedly is a FWB (posted on many threads about him) we had a really lovely arrangement. It suited us both so much. Was never too entangled in each others lives but he meant a lot to me. We‘ve been making things work really well for over a year. He goes on holiday and radio silence for the past two weeks… messages not even being delivered. And again i‘d settled into this and felt really comfortable. But here i am again the one whose been let down.

No words of wisdom but i refuse to go on apps i cannot stand them! I don‘t want to be single forever. But for now i am definitely not in the mood/frame of mind to be dating. Life aside from relationships is for the most part pretty enjoyable. That aspect just seems to fuck things up. Hope you‘re feeling alright.

It sucks doesn't it! I can relate to how you feel. I'm early 30s and I was engaged in my last LTR. Feeling mildly anxious (and bitter).

It feels like majority of men on OLD are Peter Pan types, or still young boys/men who don't want to grow up yet. I feel anxious that all the "good" men are already settled down lol.

Showing solidarity here. It's hard to know how to move past the bitterness that can come with OLD.

On one hand I know there are lovely men on apps - and elsewhere - and that OLD is a cross section of society at large. On the other hand I feel so patronised/sexualised/ignored/demoralised by the insipid people I've come across on those apps that I can't help but think it's down to OLD. Perhaps this is wrong of me. It just seems to give people a big old window of opportunity to be really s*it.