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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage councelling?

31 replies

itchyhop · 30/08/2022 09:50

Doe it work?
DH and I have been married now for 14 years and we just seem disconnected.

We're stuck in a bit of a cycle of being fine, and then growing distant with irritation (mainly mine) growing, to vague dislike, to proper rage and imagining a different life.
Then we'll have a big dustup over something irrelevant and we'll be ok again for a bit.

But... each time we go through this cycle I feel less bothered about trying to fix it because the next one seems inevitable, and I worry that one time I'm just going to detonate our otherwise perfectly lovely life.

We have two school age DC's who I want to protect as much as possible. In honesty they are my main incentive to get this sorted.

We both have unwell family members, so that's another pressure - DH's is particularly bad.
These are all long term illnesses and we need to find a way through - not just exist.

I'm thinking that just reliving the same crappy Groundhog Day is stupid and we need to break the pattern.
Has anyone tried marriage counselling? Does it work??

OP posts:
Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 11:25

We seem to have really lost the humour in our relationship at times.
Maybe this is what happens when life just gets in the way, but I feel like life is too short to waste years in this cycle of poo....

I don't want to reach the point where I CBA to fix things, and I'm not sure DH is aware how close things have got to being terminal.

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Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 12:07

Also if you do go for councelling, how do you choose which one?
Currently DH is resistant - he thinks that only people with real issues would go and we don't have those...
The thing is I think we do - certainly I am feeling it, and as 1 half of the relationship, that is enough to be a problem that needs solving.

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Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 12:21

Also, DH doesn't really hold much stock with councelling etc.

He would probably trust a true Psychiatrist as in a Dr., but he doesn't see the value in a counsellor.
In his mind they're no more qualified than we are.

However the Dr. Level people are ££££ and it would probably be a one hit wonder for us, whereas we could afford to see a less qualified person more than once.
I think having a 3rd party involved might help us talk more productively?

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Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 12:58

Any advice from people who've been to couples councelling and it's worked- or not worked would be great :)

Or if you are a councillor?

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Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 12:58

Or even a councellor

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PonyTime · 30/08/2022 13:00

It only works if both parties are 100% committed to it

And if your DH is skeptical that might be an issue

ProbAmU · 30/08/2022 13:03

Am interested in the responses. Looking at relationship counselling now and it's really expensive. Not sure it's worth it or if we can sort things ourselves

Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 13:06

PonyTime · 30/08/2022 13:00

It only works if both parties are 100% committed to it

And if your DH is skeptical that might be an issue

Thank you for replying.
Thats what I'm worried about, I really need to make him see the seriousness of where I think we're headed.

To my mind we need to try and do something otherwise we're going to get more and more miserable, the kids will notice and be sad - I think one has already twigged- and we will either waste our lives in misery or split up.

Neither thing I want, and we're not there.... yet.

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Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 13:07

ProbAmU · 30/08/2022 13:03

Am interested in the responses. Looking at relationship counselling now and it's really expensive. Not sure it's worth it or if we can sort things ourselves

I'd like to sort it out ourselves, but I find that we either don't talk in a deep way, or it's me listing problems and him just soaking up my words and then nothing changes long term.
I want strategies to use going forward, and I don't have them!

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pjani · 30/08/2022 13:18

How about the relationship counselling charity Relate? Their counsellors aren’t super senior but they are all experienced and trained in this area. They aren’t cheap but they can potentially lower the price based on your income.

It definitely sounds like it’s worth a try. For some people, it really helps their relationship,

PonyTime · 30/08/2022 13:20

ProbAmU · 30/08/2022 13:03

Am interested in the responses. Looking at relationship counselling now and it's really expensive. Not sure it's worth it or if we can sort things ourselves

Of you could sort things yourself you'd not be even thinking of counseling

anotherpotoftea · 30/08/2022 13:37

I know two couples who’ve been to Relate, found it helpful and are still together (seemingly happily).

Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 13:43

I'm also thinking that tbh however much councelling costs - if it does work then it's worth every penny!

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Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 13:43

And cheaper by far than any alternatives

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pjani · 30/08/2022 13:59

It sounds like there is a communication problem going on and counselling could help. A trained counsellor should have the experience in trying to engage one half of the couple who is a bit unsure. I wish you luck!

Dery · 30/08/2022 14:02

We’re a fan of counselling in our family. A good therapist can really help you listen to each other and take some of the heat out of your communications. I think it’s definitely worth a try if you can persuade your husband to come along and indeed even if you can’t.

Dery · 30/08/2022 14:03

We’re fans, that should say.

Sarabbb · 30/08/2022 14:04

Can I ask how long has this rut situation been going on?

Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 14:18

I'd say between 1 and 2 years really, the cycle seems to last a couple of months each time.

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Snugglemonkey · 30/08/2022 14:27

I am biased as I am a psychotherapist. I do couple therapy and sex therapy mostly and have seen really big changes in relationships. Counselling can be really effective. However, you both need to be in the right place for it.

I sometimes work with couples with one partner not initially buying in, but that definitely slows progress and means more sessions, more money. Whereas, two committed people can make great strides quite quickly.

If money is an issue, then Relate is a good option. If you are looking for someone privately, definitely ensure that they are specifically qualified in couple therapy, many people are actually individual therapists and do not have the appropriate training in couple dynamics.

It is a good idea to speak to the counsellor about money worries, many like myself will work with a certain percentage of my client base on a discounted rate. It is also definitely useful for a therapist to know if you have a set number of sessions in mind. Perhaps you do not need to resolve everything in the sessions, a more reasonable aim might be to improve communication to a point were you can carry things forward yourselves, but after the first session you want to be hearing what work the counsellor is suggesting and a rough timeline.

It won't be a magic bullet, but many relationships benefit immensely. Good luck!

Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 15:10

Thanks so much all.

Snuggle monkey thank you for your detailed response.
Really the money isn't the be all and end all, but some therapists seem to cost 3 or 4 times that of others.
So that would mean that we could have 3 or 4 times more time with a cheaper one than an expensive.

I'll try and find a good time to chat to DH.
It's difficult, because when we're in a good phase I don't want to rock the boat and throw us into a bad patch, and when we're already in a bad phase, it sounds like I'm demanding therapy as a dramatic gesture....

Jeez adulting is HARD!

Sometimes weirdly we communicate better about big stuff by text when one of us is out.... stupid isn't it.

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Mrsrai · 30/08/2022 15:15

We did a couple of Relate couples sessions as well as individual ones. I got a lot from them, , in terms of identifying the cycle you describe and how we both approach upsets. However, I think we are too past the point of being able to make the required changes. The resentment has crept in and H doesn't have a willingness to follow the counsellor's advice.
She did however recommend a book which you might find useful:
Sue Johnson, Hold me tight.
It focuses on communication and has practical tips to try. Definitely worth a read as an audiobook or hardback book.

Bestcatmum · 30/08/2022 15:18

Neither of my husbands would go to counselling when I suggested it, when things were getting really bad, it was just straight refusal.
As soon as I left them because I couldn't take any more they suddenly wanted to go....but it was way too late then and I didn't care any more. I just ploughed on with the divorce.
I do hope your husband realises that this will be the case here if he keeps refusing, they do have plenty of training and are worthwhile.
I've had counselling on my own and it really helped to make it clear to me what I needed to do i:e leave. Maybe you could consider going alone if he refuses.
Its difficult to know when a relationship is going to end, there is this endless cycle of bickering and arguments and stress, then the bad days start to outweigh the good days, then one day you suddenly realise that you can't do this anymore and you HAVE to leave.
Its sounds to me like you are nearly at that point and your H has to realise that and quick because soon its going to be too late.

Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 15:19

Thank you Mrs Rai.
I'll look it up.
Really sorry to hear that you might be past the point - that must be hard :(

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Original poster
itchyhop · 30/08/2022 15:21

Bestcatmum · 30/08/2022 15:18

Neither of my husbands would go to counselling when I suggested it, when things were getting really bad, it was just straight refusal.
As soon as I left them because I couldn't take any more they suddenly wanted to go....but it was way too late then and I didn't care any more. I just ploughed on with the divorce.
I do hope your husband realises that this will be the case here if he keeps refusing, they do have plenty of training and are worthwhile.
I've had counselling on my own and it really helped to make it clear to me what I needed to do i:e leave. Maybe you could consider going alone if he refuses.
Its difficult to know when a relationship is going to end, there is this endless cycle of bickering and arguments and stress, then the bad days start to outweigh the good days, then one day you suddenly realise that you can't do this anymore and you HAVE to leave.
Its sounds to me like you are nearly at that point and your H has to realise that and quick because soon its going to be too late.

Thank you
That sounds so sadly familiar.
I do really want to fight for it, but I can't do it alone, and I don't want to reach the point where I can't be be bothered with fighting.

It's like when you decide to leave a job or move house, once you decide that it's just a matter of time I feel.

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