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Original poster

Need to get my head round this friendship

43 replies

KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 09:31

I've namechanged because there's going to be some detail and I fear it will be long, sorry.

I've known a man for a really long time. We've always had a very mild flirtation after a drink, but I was married and he's a divorced man who gets through a lot of girlfriends.

He has a very attractive much younger female "friend" and whilst I believe she only sees it as friendship (she's young enough to still want children, he has three adult children), I'm sure he'd jump at the chance for more. When she is at an event he barely talks to anyone else and he's quite handsy with her, which she doesn't seem to mind.

I know she has been at least part of the problem in many of his relationships. He is very clear that anyone who is with him will have to accept this friendship, which is obviously very important to him, but I can see that it would be very difficult for any woman to deal with.

Anyway, I've been at two events with him this weekend. The first she was there, I had fun with the group, but very little to do with him, as he was otherwise occupied.

The second she wasn't there, we had a really fun afternoon with the group, then went on to party into the evening, just the two of us. Nothing "happened" but we would have absolutely looked like a couple, in fact some strangers told us what a nice couple we made. I suspect we stood out because we were having more fun than couples often do mind.

He was very well behaved, but he held my hand all the way to the train (we're far too old for that, but had been drinking, slowly, all day by this point). We were nicely sozzled, but not incapable. Then we said a quick goodbye and that was that. He asked me to let him know I was safely home, which I did and he replied thanks for great day etc. I haven't heard from him since and don't expect to, until the next time we're out in a group.

So he's a fun friend with occasional sexual tension which isn't going anywhere. That's fine with me, I'm not getting in the middle of the thing with the younger friend and TBH although we have fun at a party together, I'm not sure there's anything there to give any relationship much substance. I'm not looking for "someone", just to enjoy life for a bit.

However, I do also feel a bit used in that if younger friend is available, I'm not needed/wanted at all, the same way I'd feel if a female friend was only interested if they didn't have a better offer iyswim

Step away altogether or enjoy it when it happens?

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 30/08/2022 14:52

Sounds like you have a crush on him but too afraid of taking it further because a) he fancies your friend, b) you’re afraid of ruining a friendship and c) you afraid of getting hurt.

Original poster
KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 14:56

Sandra1984 · 30/08/2022 14:50

Forget about logistics and what’s going through his mind. Do you like this man? Do you have a crush on him? Would you want to get romantically involved?

I like him. He's good looking, fun, reliable and kind. Great for a "date", I suppose, but a bit superficial and not what I'd want in a partner, even if I wanted one, which I don't.

Maybe that is why I like spending time with him. Almost the boyfriend experience without any of the commitment/complications. Which would be a horrible thing to do to him, if he wanted more, but I don't think he does.

It probably does seem weird that I'm giving it so much thought, but I was married 30 years, it's a long time since I've navigated life as a single person.

OP posts:
Original poster
KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 14:57

Sandra1984 · 30/08/2022 14:52

Sounds like you have a crush on him but too afraid of taking it further because a) he fancies your friend, b) you’re afraid of ruining a friendship and c) you afraid of getting hurt.

I don't think it's a romantic crush as such, but I am pleased to have him around.

OP posts:
Caroffee · 30/08/2022 15:00

I'm another one who doesn't understand why you've posted? If you don't want a relationship with this man, there is no issue. You could stop flirting but remain friends if that bothers you.

Dacquoise · 30/08/2022 15:02

This reminds me of one of those friendship trios where two people are the best friends and the third is the spare. The spare is okay to spend time with when the bestie isn't around but becomes surplus to requirements when they are.

Why would you want to involved in this? You are being used, plus the string of failed relationships is a red flag about this man. You're polishing his ego every time you act as a stand in. 🤔

Original poster
KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 15:03

Caroffee · 30/08/2022 15:00

I'm another one who doesn't understand why you've posted? If you don't want a relationship with this man, there is no issue. You could stop flirting but remain friends if that bothers you.

I posted the spirit of having a bit of a chat with friends 😆 Surely not every thread needs to be about major life events?

But I've also tried to explain that I have (fairly) recently had a really huge change in my life, so a lot of things that may seem routine to others are new to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 15:24

Dacquoise · 30/08/2022 15:02

This reminds me of one of those friendship trios where two people are the best friends and the third is the spare. The spare is okay to spend time with when the bestie isn't around but becomes surplus to requirements when they are.

Why would you want to involved in this? You are being used, plus the string of failed relationships is a red flag about this man. You're polishing his ego every time you act as a stand in. 🤔

No, it's not that, we both have lots of other friends, both mutual and otherwise and whilst I know his young friend, I wouldn't consider her my friend, I only saw her this weekend because a different mutual friend arranged a party.

OP posts:
Surtsey · 30/08/2022 15:40

Seems to me like this younger woman is the one who is stringing him along, not the other way round, or him stringing you along. She likes the attention and enjoys having him all over her when she is at these events. Does she have any intention of making him a long-term partner? No. Daft old bugger is acting like a besotted fool around her, isn't he? Perhaps it's time you told him.

Original poster
KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 15:44

Surtsey · 30/08/2022 15:40

Seems to me like this younger woman is the one who is stringing him along, not the other way round, or him stringing you along. She likes the attention and enjoys having him all over her when she is at these events. Does she have any intention of making him a long-term partner? No. Daft old bugger is acting like a besotted fool around her, isn't he? Perhaps it's time you told him.

Actually, I have told him in the past. A long time ago though, when I was married and there was less "frisson" and I was more of a mumsy character to his man about town, although I'm only a year older.

It's been going on for years, he must know, even if he hasn't quite accepted it.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 30/08/2022 15:55

if younger friend is available, I'm not needed/wanted at all

The above quote is from your posts.

Then when someone suggested you are the spare, or 'third wheel' you say

No, it's not that, we both have lots of other friends

It seems to me as if it is at least a bit like that, if you only get his attention when the younger woman is not around.

I'd not want to flirt, or 'walk hand in hand back to the station' with anyone who I knew only held my hand when the no 1 was not available.

I'd rather treat them the same all the time and expect the same back from them. You can perfectly well be friends with him, it sounds more as if he wants the 'girlfriend' experience with whoever happens to be around.

Original poster
KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 18:48

FinallyHere · 30/08/2022 15:55

if younger friend is available, I'm not needed/wanted at all

The above quote is from your posts.

Then when someone suggested you are the spare, or 'third wheel' you say

No, it's not that, we both have lots of other friends

It seems to me as if it is at least a bit like that, if you only get his attention when the younger woman is not around.

I'd not want to flirt, or 'walk hand in hand back to the station' with anyone who I knew only held my hand when the no 1 was not available.

I'd rather treat them the same all the time and expect the same back from them. You can perfectly well be friends with him, it sounds more as if he wants the 'girlfriend' experience with whoever happens to be around.

TBF he's not the first person I'd think of either. If e.g. I had a spare ticket for something, there are other people I'd ask first. We mostly only spend time together in a group and if she's there he ignores everyone else in the group too.

OP posts:
Ithinkiwanttobealone · 30/08/2022 20:48

It sounds like this weekend was a change in direction for you both. It will be interesting to see how the holidays go!

catandcoffee · 30/08/2022 22:00

OP enjoy the flirting but do not have sex with him.... that will ruin your friendship.

Original poster
KnowtheBand · 31/08/2022 07:38

catandcoffee · 30/08/2022 22:00

OP enjoy the flirting but do not have sex with him.... that will ruin your friendship.

TBH I think this is probably how we're both feeling atm.

OP posts:
Jewel7 · 31/08/2022 08:43

It sounds like he is more into the younger friend. Who sounds more than just a friend.
If he isn’t choosing you when she is there it’s not a choice is it? There may be an age gap but that’s for them to consider. I wouldn’t want to be his second choice surely you deserve more than that?

Original poster
KnowtheBand · 31/08/2022 08:51

Jewel7 · 31/08/2022 08:43

It sounds like he is more into the younger friend. Who sounds more than just a friend.
If he isn’t choosing you when she is there it’s not a choice is it? There may be an age gap but that’s for them to consider. I wouldn’t want to be his second choice surely you deserve more than that?

I'm not his 2nd choice though. I'm not looking for a romantic relationship or even to be best friends. He's a friend I spend time with once or twice a month.

OP posts:
ToddlerIs2 · 31/08/2022 09:22

Don't have sex with him these weekends away, but enjoy the flirt and banter. That's fine. I see a male friend alone twice a year, we've def been confused for a couple (man and woman similarish age out for dinner, people don't over think it), we have a laugh, it feels like a date but without any chance of anything sexual and it's fun to do that and relax. Perfectly innocent fun. Which is how yours needs to stay unless you want it to get messy. And yes, when we see each other in a larger group we spend time with different people, or we'll catch up briefly then go our own ways. But when I burst into tears over something at one of these meets, he's the person who stayed with me until I was OK

Original poster
KnowtheBand · 31/08/2022 12:46

ToddlerIs2 · 31/08/2022 09:22

Don't have sex with him these weekends away, but enjoy the flirt and banter. That's fine. I see a male friend alone twice a year, we've def been confused for a couple (man and woman similarish age out for dinner, people don't over think it), we have a laugh, it feels like a date but without any chance of anything sexual and it's fun to do that and relax. Perfectly innocent fun. Which is how yours needs to stay unless you want it to get messy. And yes, when we see each other in a larger group we spend time with different people, or we'll catch up briefly then go our own ways. But when I burst into tears over something at one of these meets, he's the person who stayed with me until I was OK

Sleeping with him on those trips would be really awkward for everyone. That won't happen.

TBH I had wondered how things might progress with him, but in the cold light of day, I'm glad they didn't.

If either of us was in a relationship, our behaviour at the weekend would have been all wrong, but as we're not, it's just a bit of fun.

OP posts:
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