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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No intimacy with husband

20 replies

thisisme3322 · 30/08/2022 03:36

Hello everyone,

Thank you in advance for any advice.

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant and my husband does not want sex. Up until 2 weeks ago we were having sex once a week and in early stages more than that with different intimate acts.

I have spoken with him about it and he has told me he is just not sexually attracted to me anyway. I feel so awful and terrible with his response. I have asked him if we can be intimate in other ways but he says I just don't turn him on. My body has not changed much other than I have a bump. Prior to pregnancy I was slim and went to the gym daily and looked after myself well. I am 32 yo and he is 43. I feel I should say this to give people a better understanding of us.

I have asked that if we are not going to be sexually intimate could we try to hug and kiss more as I don't want us to grow apart. He has said he will try and I guess that is all I can ask for. This is our first baby together but he has 3 others so he is in no way inexperienced with this.

When I asked him if he thinks we will return to normal afterwards all he said was that he doesn't have a crystal ball. I feel so alone atm and I have had quite a rough pregnancy so far...during which I have done my best to stay upbeat and happy around him so not to be negative. I have suffered with terrible nausea the whole way through and bad pelvic pain, neither of which I complain about/ bring him down about.

Sorry if my post is sporadic and a.bit chaotic but I feel that probably reflects what is going on in my mind atm.

Any advice would be helpful and any thoughts on regaining some level of intimacy PP would be great.

xxx

OP posts:

milesmachine · 30/08/2022 04:50

OP I'm so sorry. He sounds utterly insensitive and horrible

Might I suggest you report your post and ask for it to be moved to relationships as it's currently on a board for bloggers that doesn't get any traffic.

You'll get a lot more responses on that board. Just click on your post, go to 'report' and ask for it to be moved

Sorry I have no advice, just up feeding the baby but wanted to let you know you'll need to get this moved

Cm078 · 30/08/2022 05:12

What a horrible thing to say. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that.

Men can be so insensitive sometimes.

Original poster

thisisme3322 · 30/08/2022 06:06

Hello all,
Thank you for reading. I have reported and asked them to move it to a different area.
I have been up all night upset and worrying and now have a long shift to tackle on top of nausea. I feel so alone and sad. Safe to say I am definitely feeling sorry for myself!

xxx

OP posts:

UserError012345 · 30/08/2022 07:56

What a knob. Is he usually such a bell end ?

You're creating life and this is the thanks you get ?!

Once your past the hurt....you really need to think about this relationship's viability.

I'm sorry 💐

Aikko · 30/08/2022 08:21

With your age difference in the relationaship, and what you've said (him giving non-committal responses) I'd say his eyes are probably wandering for someone else, - sad to say.

Lozzerbmc · 30/08/2022 09:07

I’m so sorry you’re going through at a time that should be so special. Do you have anyone in real life so you can confide in and who can support you during this difficult time? I think if it was me I would focus on the pregnancy and having the baby and then address the issue afterwards. It’s actually very cruel for him to say this at this time.

Original poster

thisisme3322 · 30/08/2022 09:18

I don't really understand it as he is usually very affectionate and loving toward me and we have a great sex life.
He has never been good at talking about stuff and shuts off a lot if we have had any problems before.
I have a friend I have confided in but she doesn't have children/ a husband so I feel she can only offer a certain amount of support.
I think my loneliness is coming from the sudden drop off in affection toward me. I was trying not to jump to any conclusions regarding other women. He was cheated on by his ex and around that time had put on a lot of weight so he put it down to that. That is why I was hoping he would be a bit more understanding about this situation. I have always reassured him that if he put on weight again I would not ever cheat or leave him as I love him for who he is not just looks.
I feel I am very caring towards him. I have asked if there is anything I can do to improve the situation and he has asked me not to be so distant. I feel my distance has only been the past few days as I have been feeling down about myself due to all this. I am trying but I don't feel he is.

xxx

OP posts:

Dery · 30/08/2022 10:51

”I feel I am very caring towards him. I have asked if there is anything I can do to improve the situation and he has asked me not to be so distant. I feel my distance has only been the past few days as I have been feeling down about myself due to all this. I am trying but I don't feel he is.”

No, no, no, OP. This situation is not for you to improve. The distance is on him, not you.

Your H sounds like an utter prick. I think it’s really cruel to say these things to you and cause you to doubt your relationship when you’re about to give birth to his baby.

Interesting that he has 3 other children already. You don’t have to answer these questions but I’m wondering what’s his relationship like with them and their mother? Why did his previous relationship end? Bearing in mind the age gap between you, how long have you and he been together?

I could be miles off-beam here but perhaps he’s a man who doesn’t like the day to day reality of a relationship with children where his needs take a backseat and perhaps deliberately went for someone quite a lot younger with no family demands and now he’s facing them again.

Dery · 30/08/2022 10:52

Sorry - ignore my question re the previous relationship - presumably it ended because he was cheated on. I still think these comments by him are incredibly cruel.

noclothesinbed · 30/08/2022 11:07

He sounds vile. How dare he. You are too good for him. Don't put up with his shit.

EllieRosesMammy · 30/08/2022 11:08

Wow, what a jerk. Has he always been this shallow or is this a new thing? You'd maybe expect that response from a man in his 20s, not 40s. But even so, my partner was 24 when we had our first together (my 2nd) and he was just as affectionate to me when I fell pregnant as he was before, if not more. You're literally growing his child he should be overwhelmed by attraction and affection for you, not the opposite.

This is absolutely in no way something you should have to be worried about or be making an effort to change things, it's his issue x

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 30/08/2022 11:15

Do you think it could be anxiety with you being heavily pregnant and feeling ill? Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you/the baby? A lot of men struggle with an impending baby and the life change it brings, maybe it's related to that?
He is being harsh whatever the reason but try and encourage him to talk about it.

Original poster

thisisme3322 · 30/08/2022 11:29

We have been together for 6 years now and met 2 years after he broke up with his ex. I had also been single for over a year so we were both in a good place to begin a relationship.

We have been all okay through our relationship and he has always expressed a wish to have children with me. I have only ever wanted one but he said he would have more if I wanted. But honestly after this I would never go through another pregnancy with him.

To be honest it has often been him saying about having children so I am very confused. I just feel upset with his unwillingness to meet me half way or even to be nice to me. Not to be so harsh with his words and to say that he understands how I am feeling.

Thank you for your replies BTW. I understand it is difficult to offer a solution but sometimes talking helps.
xxx

OP posts:

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 30/08/2022 11:37

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 30/08/2022 11:15

Quite a lot men are unsure/ reluctant to have sex with a pregnant partner in case the baby is harmed in some way, it’s a bit taboo for some men

but that doesn’t excuse his other shitty comments.

Original poster

thisisme3322 · 30/08/2022 11:46

I have asked him if it is because of this but he says it is not about hurting the baby.
He simply says he does not feel attracted to pregnant women and it isn't a turn on...the big belly.
I suppose this is his personal choice and right but that doesn't make me feel any better.
His past relationship was fairly sexless...not his choice but I honestly feel like I can't blame her if he pushed her away during pregnancy.

xxx

OP posts:

DonnaBanana · 30/08/2022 13:20

It’s not his job to have sex with you. The time around having a baby can be very stressful for everyone and you need to plough on through and things will get better in the end. You probably won’t want to have sex once baby arrives anyway until you stop BF.

Original poster

thisisme3322 · 30/08/2022 15:20

No of course not and as I said I just want to find other ways of being intimate I.e hugging and kissing and just general non-sexual affection.
It is the coldness and blunt comments that is very difficult to accept and to be honest they are hurtful. If he was feeling this way I would be providing support a d love through different avenues.
xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

thisisme3322 · 30/08/2022 17:37

Actually my H has said to me on a few occasions that he would be put off my breasts if I breastfeed. He said he just would not find them sexual anymore.

Obviously I am going to do what is right for me and the baby.

OP posts:

EllieRosesMammy · 30/08/2022 19:47

DonnaBanana · 30/08/2022 13:20

But it is his job to show some affection towards the woman he's married to, and who's carrying his baby. Which like the OP has said, can be done in more ways than just sex.

Jk24 · 30/08/2022 22:47

Sounds like a dick and if you want to complain about pain and sickness then you complain away! Stop acting desperate and I mean this in the nicest possible way, let him crawl to you x

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