Don't know what to do

[Brummum1]

I think I'm in shock. My husband of 14 years and partner of 20 years has just been violent to me and stormed out of the house. He didn't hit me but he pushed me over and pushed the ironing board at/on me. I know it sounds ridiculous. I don't know what to do. We have two children, one about to turn 7 and one just due to start school next week. I was diagnosed as autistic last year and he is struggling to adjust to this. I don't want to get a divorce but I also don't want to put up with what I have experienced tonight. I just want him to be reasonable. We have tried our best to he equal parents, e.g. he took 6 month shared parental leave, so in general he is a good father, but the argument came up because I said he was too negative towards our oldest child and it was affecting their confidence and self esteem. I have locked the front and back doors and left the keys in them so he can't get back in. I tried to ring his phone but he has left it in the house. I don't know where he is or where he will go tonight and I want him to be safe but I don't think I want him back in the house tonight. Is there anything I can do to fix this?

Sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any real advice but didn’t want you to be on your own. 💐

Sorry this has happened to you. In my experience those who do it once will do it again.

Thank you. I don't know what to do. I'm so full of adrenalin I can't sleep and I am dreading the morning. I don't know what to say to the children. We were supposed to be driving to visit my terminally ill parent 2 hours away tomorrow. I just want to sort everything out and for him to go back to the reasonable person I married.

I am so sorry.

I think you need to talk to someone in real life.

He sounds like a very unreasonable, violent mam and not a good patent.

Has he done other stuff like this?

Can you visit your parent without him? You don't need to tell your kids anything yet.

Are you married and do you own the home you love in?

OP you say he hasn't been violent to you tonight - is this the first time in 20 years he's shown frustration in this way ' didn't hit me but he pushed me over and pushed the ironing board at/on me'...... 'and then stormed out of the house' Anyone can have a moment of pure stress and frustration -- and it sounds like he could be stressed if your parents are terminally ill and he's trying to support you. Or has this type of behaviour happened before?

Yes, we've been married for 14 years and we have a joint mortgage on the home we live in, nearly paid off now. I will need to explain to the children why he is not here tomorrow and the change of plan. I have driving licence, but I haven't actually driven for about 10 years and I am not sure I have it in me to start driving tomorrow, under the circumstances. I don't think he has taken the car. I took the main set of car keys, because we shared a bottle of wine with dinner, so he is over the limit for driving, but it is possible that he has taken the spare set. The car is in the garage at the end of the garden, so from the house I can't see whether it has gone or not. I could take the children on the train to visit my parent though. The only other time he has been like this was during the first covid lockdown, but we were both under a lot of stress juggling work and childcare/homeschooling.

So he has been violent to you previously?

OP you cannot expose your children to this. You need to end it. Can you call a friend or family member so that they can stay with you to make you feel safer?

It wasn't as bad as this. It was a very heated argument and I stood in the doorway to stop him leaving and he pushed me out of the way. I don't know if this counts? I know this sounds stupid and is possibly outing, but we met doing martial arts, in a discipline where men and women trained together equally (no sparring), so being physical with each other is not as alien as it might be under other circumstances. But maybe I am just making excuses?

I feel you're so conflicted here - you're upset because he's reacted in a way you weren't expecting and you've locked the doors as if he's a threat but you're still wondering if he's okay ...... and you don't know how to explain it to the children....... has he honestly behaved so badly in expressing how he's feeling in this way?

He's obviously not good at putting his feelings into words. He hasn't harmed you and it's not a regular occurence - this is his way of dealing with stress. Do you really feel threatened by his behaviour or do you believe it's just an argument that's come about following your criticism?
There's a big difference - all relationships have disagreements and arguments. Or is this something you feel to be more serious?? x

I am afraid you are making excuses.

I would postpone the visit to your parents or find someone else to drive you.

I would speak to someone in real life who deals with domestic abuse and can help you.

Is it really only a couple of times he has been violent?

Surely, the person with the stress is you, your parent is dying. Is that correct? I am so sorry.

Is this really domestic abuse, or is it just a domestic argument?? There's a big difference.
OP you sound like you can stand up for yourself in an argument and if you've done martial arts you are taught to defend yourself mentally as well as physically.
I'm sure you can differentiate yourself between something you find threatening and something which is a marital disagreement brought on by the stress felt by both partners.

What is your gut reaction in this? x

@ilovemyspace I don't think any disagreement should involve pushing one participant over, do you? And stress over what? Stress over an attempt to discuss some potentially negative parenting he's doing.

@Brummum1 I'm really sorry for you. It sounds a frightening thing to happen at a very upsetting time for you - when he should be taking care of you. I appreciate it's emotional all round dealing with a terminal diagnosis, but it's not his parent. I think you should try to find a good counsellor and take it from there. At the very least he needs to work out a better way to express stress and emotion - and his response to the suggestion of counselling might be a good indicator of how he really feels.

I hope you're OK, especially dealing with tomorrow and the visit. Take your kids on the train and stay away for a bit would be my instinct. Let him think about what he's done and see how he reacts. Take care of yourself x

@VictorianGothic pushing one participant over?? I don't think that's what happened.
It's so disempowering to the OP to make out she's a powerless victim, who needs counselling and advice on domestic abuse. She' s come across as someone who' s under stress and hasn't received the support she needs from a partner who is also under stress - this is how life and relationships work. People aren't always perfect, however much we wish it.

Thanks everyone for your comments and perspectives. I heard something outside so I checked the front door and he was outside so I let him in. We have been talking things through. He wants to separate, but I want us to talk to a counsellor first, because even if we still separate I think this will help us to do it as amicably as possible, which will be best for the children. I'm going to try to get some sleep now and see how it all looks in the morning.

Good to hear things have calmed down. I am sure your decision to speak to a counsellor is a good one, make sure you choose carefully, as well. It absolutely is the right thing to do to have a space to talk things through without it turning into an argument, and a good skilled counsellor will help you both do that.

Hold on to this post and what you've said here and don't minimise what he did. I absolutely understand people can behave badly in times of stress but he did push you over - that's never an acceptable way to behave in an argument. If I'd learnt that sooner, and not been so quick to understand and explain away reactions in times of stress, I would have found things easier, and so would my kids.

@ilovemyspace, you're right, noone is perfect, and relationships always need understanding and compromise, but the OP does literally say "he pushed me over". That's not necessarily abuse, true, but it's not acceptable behaviour. I've come back to this post not to start an argument with you but because it really resonated with me. No, pushing and shoving really isn't how life and relationships should work, though I used to think it was, too.

Sorry for the essay, OP, but I'm sending you all best wishes and strength as you deal with your parent's diagnosis and these difficult times. However deeply you understand and sympathise with someone, to be left frightened and shocked by their behaviour isn't OK. Stay strong, stay calm, and stick to your instinct of bringing this out into the open and talking about it with a counsellor.