Relationship breakdown/custody - where to start?!

[Waxwing23]

Hello everyone

Desperate for some advice (general, specific, whatever you have) as I don't know what to do/where to turn. Didn't think I'd find myself in this situation.

I've written an essay and deleted it, because it's so hard to tell this sorry saga without getting bogged down in resentment and recrimintions... and I realise none of that matters, it's about the best interests of my child.

So, to be as brief as I can - I have a daughter (just turned 1) with my ex-partner. If I'm being kind, I would say he has some form of autism, coupled with depression and other potential diagnoses. If I'm being honest, I think he's unhinged. He is controlling, a textbook gaslighter, fundamentally dishonest, and utterly irrational. He is also living - rent free - in the annex to my house.

When we broke up, I asked him to leave and he refused, saying if he did - he would take our daughter. I was mum to a newborn, my head all over the place and terrified he actually could/would. So I reluctantly agreed he could stay in the annex until March, when his employment contract ends. It's a low-paid job and he doesn't need the money (he owns 2 houses elsewhere in the country, and has sizeable cash reserves). He may not find other employment down here after March so it would be silly to buy in the local area if he gets a job miles away (he doesn't drive). He is adamant he needs to work, and I do understand his need to have a purpose in that respect.

However, his behaviour has deteriorated so badly, I (a) don't think I can continue like this until March and (b) don't think he has any intention of leaving in March anyway. I don't think he would intentionally harm our daughter (certainly not physically) but I believe he is at risk of causing serious psychological damage to her. He doesn't want her to meet or engage with anyone that isn't me or my parents. He has no family, no friends and he seems to want the same for her. I threw a small party for her birthday (just the neighbours really) to which he was of course invited and he went batshit crazy. Came in, glared at everyone, refused to talk but muttered under his breath constantly. Kept sweeping our daughter off to the corner of the room and sitting with his back to us.

I want him to leave now, and I want full custody. I suspect he will aim for 50-50 custody as a minimum, but the mere thought of that terrifies me. Aside from the horrible behaviour he models, he has never washed her clothes, never cooked her a meal, never bathed her. All he wants to do is lie in bed and watch TV with her in a playpen next to him. Three days ago I thought there was a strange smell in the hall... and I tracked it down to the interconnecting annex door. He was at work so I followed my nose and went in. It's horrific. Carpet thick with food debris, dust and cat hair. A pile of dried up cat vomit in the lounge. Cat poo smears all over the bathroom floor next to a filthy litter tray. Toilet covered in stains and pubes. Bath covered in pubes and tidemarks. He can't even look after himself, let alone a very mobile 1 year old who picks up anything and everything off the floor and tries to eat it. I don't think he lets her out of the bedroom when he has her (which is currently 2 mornings and 2 evenings a week), which makes me feel a little calmer about the filth elsewhere...but equally, its no good for an energetic, inquisitive and wide-awake child to be contained in a small bedroom for 4-5 hours at a time.

He's not contributing financially to the household or to our daughter beyond buying her baby milk (of which she drinks very little now she's 1), some weekly fruit, and lots of toys off amazon.

How do I go about getting him out and getting custody? I know getting him out is in theory, easy - since its my house and he has no legal rights, but I am terrified that if I appear to act unreasonably, it will count against me in an ensuing custody battle. Do I need to find and instruct a solicitor (what kind? any recommendations)? Should I involve my health visitor? or even social services?

I don't want to stop him seeing her, but I truly believe he is incapable of looking after her (physically and emotionally) and I would only feel comfortable with access. The less the better really.

Sorry for the length of this post. Please help me.

Yes, definitely get legal advice. You need to evict him from the property, which should probably involve a notice period but you must have legal advice to make sure it's done properly.

It’s not about custody. It’s about residency and where your daughter will spend time I’d 50:50/ eow etc
if you can’t agree between you you’ll need a court arranged order that states what arrangements are

courts are very inlikely to order 50:50 at 1 year old unless to a very active, hands on dad

what arrangements are you looking for because he will get access….

Photos of his living conditions- time stamped and with a witness if possible.

All communication by text or email so you have evidence of any threats, trying to restrict who she sees, etc etc.

Keep a diary of when she is cared for by him and any issues. Include things like returning her hungry/unwashed etc.

And a good lawyer for eviction - I believe there is no need for notice as he is not an actual tenant- and a good family lawyer - ask for supervised contact only that way you seem like you are reasonable and trying to facilitate contact. Speak to HV about concerns so they're logged. SS would probably be a good idea too - ask for advice rather than 'condemn' him.

Have you claim CS? If not, do so. He may prefer to vanish than pay up.

Relationship breakdown… If I get taken to court for custody will I be considered unreasonable?

I am in England.

I am currently in my last trimester of pregnancy, my ex partner left me not so long ago, siting their mental health as an issue. There have been no arguments even throughout our relationship. They have adhd and are on the autistic spectrum.

Since our break up I have invited them to growth scans (1 of which they didn’t attend and have another one in a few weeks), baby shower, to attend birth, to stay at my address for a week following the birth, to come and register birth, an open door policy for the first 6 months of our child’s life (supervised by me, there are mental health concerns, recent documented suicide attempt etc). I will also be breastfeeding our child for a max of 6 months.

Once our child reaches 6 months overnight stays will be considered, one at first and then gradually increased over time. They currently live in a different county around 40 minutes away with no intention of moving closer and they can’t drive due to an ongoing medical issue.

They want 50/50 custody, 3 and a half days a week and they don’t seem to want to compromise. I feel like I am being reasonable but maybe I am being biased here. Im unwilling to bend anymore as I feel what I suggested is more than fair but will the courts find my arrangements reasonable or am I being unfair?

You need to start a new thread of your own

Sorry I've read your post now - still post a new thread though for other people to see it. No, your proposals are totally reasonable. If he doesn't agree then don't allow any contact and let him take you to court 🙄 make sure you have put all your proposals in writing.