Anyone thinking a late parent had undiagnosed autism?

[TheGander]

I understand autism isn’t homogeneous and an after th event diagnosis is going to be impossible. However, I always had a difficult relationship with my father and if he had autism, a lot of things fall into place. It was my cousin who suggested this, her DH and both sons are on the autistic spectrum ( professionally diagnosed). I initially thought she was raving, as dad enjoyed a social occasion and certainly wasn’t retiring. However. He would always speak exclusively about his interests which were specific and not really open to debate- he was very fixed in his beliefs. He would often visibly disconnect when being spoken to. He had no idea how embarrassing his behaviour was especially to his children and his wife- gatecrashing parties, entering our school to take pics of teachers and other pupils ( “ one day you’ll be pleased to have these photos”). Not being able to negotiate difficult interpersonal situations eg in the workplace, then flying into rages when things came to a head . He was extremely disorganised spatially, repeatedly lost things, could not keep any space tidy etc. His siblings all have interpersonal difficulties. His father was a very distant person who my mother remembers as being incredibly rude. I’m just wondering if anyone else has wondered about a late parent and autism?

With hindsight I think my mum was autistic. She died when I was a teenager. I only started thinking this when my son was diagnosed and we were advised it 'runs in families'. My brother has autism with a learning disability so there is that link. My mum was very socially awkward, found talking to other people very difficult. She had very focused interests that consumed her time. She was also easily overwhelmed by busy situations like shopping. Thinking about her in this way has made me understand her more, and also makes me a bit sad that people didn't understand and help her more. She had a difficult life.

Possibly - following a niece's diagnosis we all took a slightly different look at some things in our family. We'll never know about the deceased ones of course and that's fine.

My dad likely was. My DC were the first in our family to be diagnosed, in the half year before his death By the time he went into hospice I'd realised that he was likely autistic as well, but it didn't seem right to bring up such a life altering issue without the time to process or adapt. He had many questions about himself when he died, I think, and he knew my DC were autistic, so maybe he had an idea. Maybe it gave him some peace to know there was an explanation for his difficulties/differences. But I do wish we'd had the time to talk about it and understand each other and our family better.

I think it's likely my DF was autistic. I realised it was possible about 6 years ago and it really was a lightbulb moment- so much suddenly made sense.

He was devoted to us but oddly disconnected in some ways. Read situations from an unusual perspective - swatting a mosquito, which happened to have landed on DM's head springs to mind.

I think his major challenge was seeing things from other's perspective, to an extreme degree. He was a scientist and most of this just got filed under mad scientist behaviour by everyone!

It was when he explanned to neighbours in detail about coming over at a particular time after an Easter egg hunt, giving the time and places we would be hiding the eggs, in front of my 4 yo DC who thought the Easter bunny was real, that I realised it might be autism. Looking round our family, it's possible he wasn't the only one.

And interestingly, I'd put money on my MIL also being undiagnosed autistic. Whether I'm right or not, DH and I both grew up with the opposite sex parent with a particular set of characteristics, and I often wonder what role that played in our getting together.

Also think my father who is in his 80s is.

Am nodding in recognition at some of the things in the Ops post. In many ways sociable and enthusiastic but only interested in his interests, seems to disconnect if you bring up anything else, so very little point me mentioning my job , friends etc. Can't keep things tidy - definitely. Can't see things from other's point of view.

My uncle recently alluded to the fact that their father had in some ways a similar personality.

Yes, my late father.
My ex got diagnosed at age 38, and when I reflected on it I realised how similar they were.

I'm pretty sure that my mum (late 70's) is - my Dd is going through an autism diagnosis at the moment and a lot of those traits are things I had just perceived as her being like her Grandma. It has made me realise that I have seen that behaviour as normal (having grown up with it) when it probably isn't. My mum's family tree contains plenty of eccentric, highly academic, emotionally awkward characters - very English middle class, but certainly makes you think how that would be interpreted now.

Not a parent, but one of my cousins (he's still very much alive).
I'm older than him by a year, so have been able to compare him with my peer group. I have more insight into his social skills etc because he lodged with us while working in the city where I lived.

I’m getting a sense of recognition form a lot of these posts. In my dads case, he grew up in the US in the 40s and 50s, where fitting in was everything and I think this stress let to a breakdown in his 20s . However this was completely out of bounds as a topic. My dad was an academic and that was his refuge- memorising stiff, writing papers, belonging to academic clubs, and also living abroad in North Africa for long stretches, where eccentricity ( in men) is tolerated as long as certain taboos are not broken. It is sad that no one knew or admitted it- not his siblings, not my mother ( if she had her suspicions she never mentioned it, she struggled with his behaviour as she was easily embarrassed by stuff). I often felt ignored and my first relationship was with a man who was distant and intellectual. Counselling made me realise I was probably trying to revisit my childhood, and emerge victorious by getting a brainy but emotionally non committal man to attach to me. Obviously that didn’t work out…

I’m sure my Dad is (70s). He’s not on this planet and it’s not an age thing as he’s always had certain tendencies. He can be
really rude and insulting; he struggles to be wrong and to apologise. He both takes and gives offence very easily so he’s quite difficult to be around. If you criticise him for criticising you he can get nasty. He invades peoples’ space and monologues about his interests. He will also say something and then deny having said it. He’s always done this.

I dated alot of difficult, emotionally unavailable men when I was younger. I grew up feeling he disliked me.