As the title says really. Sometimes I don't know if I'm being too harsh on her so others perspective would be nice.
I'd always had a bit of a love/hate relationship with my mum and its only recently I've started to recognise alot of her behaviour as being toxic. Previously with every disagreement or fallout I'd always blamed myself.
Some examples are-
- Belittling me in front of people, correcting the way I speak or the phrases I use, 'pretend' telling me off. On the flip side of this she can also really big me up too, to the point where its out of proportion and embarrassing. I'm 38.
- Causing arguments over trivial things and as I've recently noticed, at my special events like Christmas at my house, my wedding, the night before I took a gap year. Christmas-everyone was too stuffed to eat her pie so politely declined...started shouting saying how selfish we all are for not eating it after shes made it'. This created a horrible atmosphere, no one spoke the rest of the night. Next day she acted like nothing happened. Night before my wedding- caused a scene in front of my husbands family and stormed off. Ruined my night by being so cross about it all. Travel-was told 'after all I've done for you, put you through uni' etc.
- Guilt trips about being an old child 'you're our only one' 'I can't help it if I want to speak to you'.
- She will NEVER say sorry. I'm always made to feel its my fault and end up apologising.
- Whenever she has helped me, no matter how small, it at some point gets chucked back in my face..'afterall I've done for you'
- Now I have my own children she talks to other people as though she's really involved and busy with them all the time. She isn't, she lives 4 hours away and has only babysat twice in 4 years, both of which I asked her to. Its like she wants to portray this image of being a perfect nana.
- She needs praise for everything she does and if she doesn't get it she'll create a weird atmosphere
- Takes offense very easily and takes things completely out of context. Can't have banter with her or ever dare to take the mick out of her as you'll upset her feelings. Even though she frequently does it to others.
- She expects perfection. She has a perfect house, is immacutely dressed but also expects everyone else to be the same and judges them if not. She doesn't work and doesn't understand that I don't have the time to clean none stop, iron etc. Time I'd much rather spend with my kids anyway!
10. She showers us in gifts but things that she likes/designer things I'd never buy/use. I appreciate the thought and know its kind but I'd much rather useful things as it seems such a waste. The 2 occasions my kids stayed with her for the weekend they came back dressed how she would like them to look (in different clothes to the ones I'd packed)
11. She has always forced the idea that we are best friends and says it to anyone who'll listen. As a child I thought that's just how mums were but as an adult don't feel the same way, it's like she's jealous when I speak positively about my actual best friends and says things like 'oh you'd do that for her but wouldn't for me'. Which actually just pushes me further away!
In some ways I do feel bad, her days basically consist of rattling around her house, cleaning all day every day. She has no friends and is estranged from alot of her family. But also I think if that was me I'd put myself out there, find a club to join, do activities to find friendship and meet people. She absolutely could do that but chooses not to.
Over the years I've stopped giving her as much of me, keep conversations light and mostly about the kids. Then it doesn't give her any fuel to judge or belittle me. I've no idea if that's the right thing to do and I feel so down about it sometimes!
So anyway, not sure why I'm posting, I guess to offload and see if anyone else has experienced similar?