Do I leave?

[Anon1218]

This is really hard to sum up in one post but I need some fresh advice and don’t want to speak to anyone close to us.
I’m really debating whether I’m in the right relationship, we’ve been together nearly 8 years and I feel over the last few years I’ve become more and more isolated and he’s become so much more distant from me and lives a very much single life where he gets up and goes when he wants to. Just for reference I have a 4 year old and a 3 month old with him.
He also has three other children from two previous relationships.
We moved a few months ago to accommodate the space for the baby and also for his other children when they stay but after some drama they have only stay a handful of times. I feel like I’m just an easy option for him to have the stay at home mum who looks after the kids while he seems to go on nights out and does things when he fancies. I’m now a 40 minute drive away from my old town where all my family are. We’ve just been for a few days away with family and got back yesterday and It’s bank holiday and he’s got up and gone out and probably won’t be back until a ridiculous time in the morning so I’m home with the kids alone.
i never seem to get his undivided time and attention and even when we were away he was on his phone a lot and seems to keep his distance from me. I used the time away to stay off my phone and be with the kids without them seeing me looking at a a screen.
I’m on Mat leave at the moment so money is super tight and we’ve discussed selling our second car to give us some money and less expense on the car but I’m trying to be realistic and have said that we should put a bit away from the car sale in case we need to get another cheaper one whilst I’m still on Mat leave as I don’t have money to play around with until I’m back at work. Where we’ve moved to you need a car to get around, and he often goes into London or is away from the day to 4/5am on nights out so I don’t want to feel trapped without transport.
my little boy also starts school next week and if he wasn’t starting school I think I’d of left about a month ago as I’m just not happy with our relationship. He lied a few weeks ago and ended up on a party weekend away and then we had his kids for two weeks so I feel like I always get the short end of the straw and no reward from the relationship.
Am I wrong to consider leaving? I feel really fed up with him. He also says a lot that I’m bad with money but my savings I did have went the first time I had Mat leave and I’ve never managed to build it back up.
I would also have issues as we private rent and I can’t afford private renting on my own but also don’t know if I’d be accepted on the council list or what my options would be in the mean time. I don’t know if I could live close enough to my sons school on my own without the support of family.
Do I sound like the issue here? I just don’t think I want to be with him how he is, he doesn’t seem to care about just leaving me home with the kids. There’s so much more but I’m trying not to write a complete essay. I just feel I’d be happier with my two children on my own.

Also just to add, when I was pregnant he went out every weekend sometimes twice in one weekend for about four months. And then once baby was 6 weeks old he was back to the same routine of going out.

Why is he going out so much? Coke?

Your last sentence sums it up.
You would be happier on your own wirh your two children.

Sounds like everything was okay until you had kids.
This man has 5 children with 3 different women-does he support his other children/have regular visits/over nights. Is he actively involved in their upbringing or is it left to you when they visit? Because expect the same from him when you split.

Can you move back closer to your family?

He sounds like a waste of space, OP. This is a man who doesn’t like the hard work and daily grind of parenting. That’s why he already had 3 children with 2 different mums but was single when he met you. He’s too selfish and immature.

You haven't learnt, have you? Can't you figure it out for yourself? Nobody on here is going to tell you to suck ot up and carry on.

He’s actually a really good dad and active in all of their lives financially and emotionally, it’s almost like he uses going out as an escape from all of the responsibility. He has a lot of pressure to look after his mum as well so that adds to it. But I feel like I’m the one that loses out all the time. Sort of like he’s there for everyone else but me.

No definitely not that. A few drinks but nothing else. The other thing I wonder is, is it other women he likes being around?

I can move back closer. It just means uprooting my 4 year old which isn’t ideal but I can’t spend the rest of my life in this cycle.

I think your right about my last sentence.
he is good with all of his kid’s, financially and emotionally

If you go back to your old area, would you have family support? At 4, I don’t think it’ll matter if you uproot him.

He is not a good father financially or emotionally.
He is choosing to opt out of his parenting responsibilities and leaving you on your own. He shouldn't get the luxury of "escaping" his responsibility as a parent - you certainly don't.
He lies, you suspect another woman/en.

Your 4 year old will adapt, their being "uprooted" shouldn't be a major block in your decision making.
you know what you need to do

How can you say he is a good father? He is never there. You don’t seem to have family time. You appear to be a very convenient baby maker and carer. Get out and build your own life, closer to people who will support you. Your 4yo will mak friends anywhere. Don’t allow this man his easy life any longer.

if he's acting as a single man even when he has very young children, then he is never ever ever ever EVER going to change.

Don't sell your car as you are going to need it for work and childcare. What you don't need is a man who thinks he is single.

Talk to womensaid or citizens advice or parents or friends - but don't stay as you are.

He also thinks he’s spending time at home in the week but he works from home and has an office space upstairs so it’s not like he’s home with me.
I have a lot to think about and try and sort out.

All true.

And OP, you mentioned getting through your savings on your first maternity leave. He has endless money for socialising without you, but you have to spend your savings on maternity leave? That's not good.

What do you get from living with him? He gets a low-maintenance SAHW who looks after him and all his children, presumably including his older kids when they stayed with you for two weeks. What do you get?

Go home to your family. Do it now before the oldest settles into school.

So at the moment he is covering our rent, I have a habit of making excuses for his behaviour.
eg. He needs a break, he has the responsibility of the kids, his mum etc

That’s exactly it, he gets the luxury of escaping most weekends at least one or both nights and I never get that. I’m also breast feeding baby and also am not someone who would be comfortable leaving baby this soon.
I just feel like I try and try to make it work but I’m just not happy with his behaviour. And I know it’s never going to change.

I'm afraid you have landed yourself with. Disney dad-- likes the fun bits and feeling like he's got a brood - doesn't even mind working hard to supporting them and isa laugh but in reality prefers nights out and weekends away with mates being a lad to partners or family time or anything domestic

These guys make good boyfriends and quite often decent co parenting dads- but totally shit partners!!

You’ve hit the nail on the head, this is exactly how I feel. He has his cake and eats it, he gets to show off and have the partner, kids, provider, protector element but can not let go of the single, going out and having fun.
he really isn’t a bad dad and he does provide and plays with the kids etc but he isn’t a good partner and if I try to tell him that he just doesn’t listen.

This is where I struggle, in terms of housing I can’t afford private rent for a two bedroom property until I’m working again and that would be with help from Universal credit.

I could move into my parents house which would really not be ideal with two children and I’d have to stay in the dining room with the two kids, I guess I’d then be able to apply for housing through the council but I know that can take a long time.
move looked at schools and it’s basically saying you need an address before they’ll accept your application to do an in term transfer. Does anyone have any idea where I’d start?

What made you think getting pregnant with this tosser was a good idea? Did you not see the red flags? He had 5 kids with 3 different woman, that in itself is not a red flag but more like a communist convention. If you wanted another child why didnt you used a sperm bank?

Why are you replying to a 6 month old post @Sandra1984

And also, regardless what a horrible response. Are you bored? Some people just need advice and kindness

Why exactly does he need a break from his responsibilities? The only reason I can think of is because he's an immature twat. This isn't someone to spend the rest of your life with. Only you can decide how much of your life you are actually going to waste before you finally accept that reality.