Tell me about dating in middle age after a long marriage

[ArtemisFlop]

I'm 44 and fairly newly single after DH left me for AP last year. Feeling pretty busy between work, single parenting, tedious back and forth about contact arrangements with ex and some other stuff. Also quite lonely, miss being part of a family and the companionship of a long term partner. Also very conscious of ageing and want to feel attractive again. I feel left behind and stuck doing all the lifting and keeping things together while ex is off on foreign trips and going out having fun with the AP. But I'm sad and angry and definitely Not healed. A couple of people in my life have suggested I should try OLD but to be honest it makes me feel terrified. I wouldn't want to have casual sex or even have some dude send me dodgy pictures. I'd also feel very wary of introducing anyone to my children who are still pretty young (primary age and pre-teen secondary).

For those of you who have dated in your 40s and older after a long relationship: what are your thoughts?

Should I wait until I'm stronger and my children are older?
Or should I crack on before my hair's completely grey and I'm too set in my ways?
Interested to hear other people's experiences and any pitfalls. Thanks!

@ArtemisFlop - although my circumstances are a bit different I could have written this post (my kids are older and the marriage petered out rather than ending in real hurt for either of us).

I have genuinely struggled with what to do - being a bloke my friends have made many helpful suggestions like - "you need to meet a 25 year old lap dancer" but that sort of stuff isn't me.

I'm quite quirky - totally solvent, earn what most would think is a lot of money, have a good relationship with my ex and kids but there are a lot of things I just won't do (too little spare time) like DIY, gardening, long country walks. Still there will be someone out there who thinks like me (I love sport, Shakespeare, gigs, Art exhibitions, travel, reading)

When you hit a certain age life distills down to making sure your kids are alright and enjoying the things you like. You are only in your 40s - there is plenty of time to meet a new partner without resorting to OLD or casual relationships.

Enjoy your children (you only get one go with that), hang out with friends and all of a sudden one night there will be a man who presses the right buttons and you will be fine

Hello. I am in my forties (closer to 50) and in a happy new relationship of 5 yrs after being divorced for 8. I did OLD and found it exhausting until I paid for a professional website which was much better. I had to learn very quickly about safety on dates and how to eradicate time wasters and liars. However, I had some great dates and it was lovely meeting different people. I had a few short flings and had my heart broken a few times but nothing compared to a divorce. Dressing up for dates, conquering my fears and being outside of my comfort zone was challenging and great fun. I grew as a person and overtime figured out what I do and don’t want. I saw each date as a meet and great only. I listened to my gut and if something didn’t fit, they were gone. I laugh about some of my dates and it makes a great conversation starter. My advice is don’t use dates as a counselling session so if you truly are not ready then wait. Maybe join a group or actively arrange family/friend get togethers and learn to like yourself. Buy a new wardrobe. Have a different hair cut/colour. Don’t feel lonely because remember people can be lonely in a relationship.
good luck.

Sorry. I think I replied to the wrong post. Apologies.

Agree with pp, don't date until you are properly ready, or your judgement will be off.
I don't date, I did a little when first single in my mid 30s after 10y marriage, but as I don't want a LTR it's pointless. However, once you have your head together and are at a point where you want to date because you want a new partner rather than a replacement for your old one, there's masses of advice and support on here. Don't date because you want someone to tell you you are attractive - fast route to potential weirdos.

@MaryJoLisa - this is all very true. Think once you get to about 40 as well you kind of know what life you want to lead and definitely need someone in tune with that. I'm 50s and while I would be more than happy to do some new things with a new partner there is just some stuff I like doing I will never give up ( and would expect a partner my age to have a few things like that herself)

I will probably rely on the old rule about how if you can have a meal and a few drinks together and laugh at yourselves and the absurdities of the world it is a good start

If it helps, I’ve done OLD a few times over the years and never been sent any dodgy photos etc!

Don’t know if it’s my profile that doesn’t seem to invite dick pics (everyone says they like my photos and that I’m beautiful etc so I don’t think it’s that they’re not interested in that way) or just that I heavily filter and even a hint of OTT behaviour gets unmatched! If someone says “hi sexy lady” I unmatch. If they start talking about my boobs I unmatch (yes, men in their 50s are apparently still excited at the idea of boobs 🙄)

I’ve only actually met up with around 10-12 men from OLD over the years, but all of them have been pleasant and respectful. I haven’t had that “click” with most, except for the one who turned into my long term partner.

Now single again and I’m planning to meet up with 2 guys I’ve chatted to by text quite a bit over the next few weeks. Not going into it expecting anything other than a nice night out, but it certainly isn’t scary or anything to worry about. When it comes to it, I imagine the naked bit will be a bit nerve wracking as I’m now 10 years older and fatter than I was the last time I got naked for the first time with someone new!! However, I’m hoping that I meet someone who likes me for me, not because of my body.

When the time is right, just put yourself out there and treat each date as practice for the real thing when it comes along. No pressure.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. @Turv that's good advice about waiting until
I'm ready. But how will
I know if I'm ready? I'm still sad about my break up and furious with ex who is being a complete wally but I feel like my life is on hold and I'm getting old during this lengthy, miserable pause.

Also very interested to hear about safety on dates. How did you get away?

Also, glad to hear you're in a good relationship now.

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair the thought of being naked around anyone new does Not appeal!

Maybe trying some dates may help you know if you are ready. I knew I was ready when I started thinking about a new relationship. Almost fantasising about it (strange I know). I felt sexier when single and not in a relationship once I started dating. Positive feedback was brilliant and gentlemanly behaviour was refreshing. Nothing needs rushing and being very honest about wanting to meet a kind man and see how things go is fine. You don’t want to come across using websites to help you emotionally as there will be men who want a LTR and find this as wasting their time.

It's very possible to find a top notch other half at any age. Be positive!

So I did a lot of research on safety. I would arrange all the first dates in a place I knew well and felt confident with. I would arrive early, wait for their car to arrive and meet on the car park. Then I would make sure I left the car park last so not to be followed home. Make it a busy place. A pub, a walk around a park or afternoon tea and cakes. Daytime is good.

I jumped into OLD straight after my divorce (40s and single mum). I haven’t met any men who were compatible with me and, on the whole, not many weirdos. I haven’t received any dick pics or been treated badly apart from one psycho who tracked me down in social media. My biggest tip is not to use pics that can be reverse searched and linked to your work etc. Do not use your real name on your profile; disclose it when you are comfortable. I Google the shit out of each man to make sure I can verify who he is (obviously, I don’t tell them that). Treat it as a way to meet new people - you’ll learn a lot about yourself and where you are. It can be very difficult being ghosted/fucked around (all normal behaviour on OLD), and so know your boundaries.

Another tip - do not message endlessly for weeks/months. Aim to meet quickly. If the guy makes excuses, he may be after a pen pal only or be attached.

The question of when to reveal you have kids frequently comes up on MN. I’d say not to post pics of kids on OLD. I will tell a bloke in the first few messages and always before meeting. It’s never been an issue.

You need to remember that old is a game - you need to be fairly tough emotionally and not get offended or upset by the idiots out there, but play the game well and you can have fun.

I met dp online following the breakdown of my 20 year marriage. I was in my 40's too.

If you set rules for yourself so you don't get hurt, you can simply have a good time

As far as safety - meet in a busy place, don't accept lifts, pay your own way, don't give out your number until you have met once. I recommend a aid for website not free ones, no guarantees but it does reduce the riffraff - i used Elite

When you meet the right person, you won't care about removing clothing

I am in a similar position but recently turned 50. I know I am not ready yet, as I am still trying to accept the reality that my husband does not want to work through the underlying issues we had before his affair, whilst still hoping he will change his mind.

I WFH, have done for years, we moved house regularly due to his job so I don't have many local friends and due to the moves have lost touch with a lot of the further away ones. Meaning I am very isolated and am going to have to really put the effort in to meet anyone, be that a new friendship group or a new partner.

I know I don't want to be on my own forever, and that I have a lot of love to give still, once I stop hurting. I am still slim, physically fit, and attractive, but having reached 50, I am under no illusions of having time on my side.

I am a professional, independent minded, high earner. A lot of my interests, like so many women, have been sidelined while kids were younger and because my husband was less keen. When I am ready, someone with ManAboutTown's interests would be right up my street.

@gogohmm @Turv @decidualcast
Thanks so much for these tips, really useful. Interesting about the connection to work etc. do you just use a different surname or do you change your first name too? Mine is relatively unusually which makes me feel very cautious...Also, what about photos? Presumably you need a decent photo for matches but I feel as if my ex or any of his family or the AP or their friends saw me on an OLD site I'd die of embarrassment. I know it's ridiculous but I'm a very private person - don't even share much on SM/Facebook etc. Met my ex more than 20 years ago so it would all feel incredibly unfamiliar. I guess I might have to get over it though.

@ZippingUp I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry you're in this position too. Sending you 
I know what you mean about the gradual isolation and sidelining of interests. I have one interest in particular that my ex never supported (a physical hobby when I was in my teens and early twenties) that I'm really trying to focus on but to be honest it's hard given my age as most people doing it are young enough to be my children plus my own children are still young so I don't get many opportunities with work/housework and everything else. I hope you meet someone when you're ready too. You too @ManAboutTown

A realistic photo of you. A nice shoulder height one and full body one. You can do this. First name is fine on show. Maybe use your middle name. Don’t be embarrassed. Loads of people do this and meet their matches. Yes you are private however, good on you for considering it. I used elite singles. Found my man within a week. That was after 18 months on and off dating using different websites. My choice! Take a breath and have fun. Get out of your comfort zone and dive In head first with your dingy. It is also fun chatting with gents but remember what you have said to who you have said it to. It does miracles for your self esteem and confidence. Tell your close friends and always tell people where you are and who you are seeing. Go to the loo and send a text to say how you are. If you are not happy with a date just drink up and say you have to go. Message later with a friendly, thanks but no thanks. But, if you like his company, plan another date and leave it a good week. Don’t rush dates and remember you are not committing to anything. It’s a meet and greet.
go for it. X

Just watching this post as might be useful for me a little way down the line! (Left husband a month ago, so defo not ready yet!)

I tried OLD when I was far enough past my marriage break up that I felt bored and wanted a bit of fun. I didn't use my real name but told anyone I was messaging with pretty quickly so I didn't come across as hiding anything. My advice is try not to take it too seriously, don't obsess about your physical attractiveness because none of us are a 10 and if you get too hung up about it just stop. Also don't undersell yourself or hide your preferences (eg are you looking for just dates or a LTR?). It's time for you to call the shots and get what you want.

I found the first experiences very odd after 20 years of monogamy. It was a mental journey in itself just to get used to meeting men with romance in mind who were not my ex DH. But it was a good journey as it reinforced the fact that I am my own person again.

I met my DP via OLD after only a few months. He is perfect for me and I can't believe my luck. It is possible to find the right person this way or at least find new sources of strength and enjoyment in yourself.

@asquideatingdough that's really encouraging to hear! Good for you

@ArtemisFlop - thank you. I wish you all the best too.

I do suffer the loneliness every now and then even though I have some tremendous friends who do make life worth living.

I'm sure you will find the right person - you sound like the sort who will meet the right guy.

@ArtemisFlop I’m late 40’s and started OLD 2 years ago, a year after coming out of a 17 year marriage. I looked at it as a fun distraction from boredom of everyday life (uploaded my first profile in Lockdown no 1!) and it was flattering to have men telling me I was gorgeous etc after being married to someone who was ambivalent to me at best! I was TERRIFIED at the thoughts of getting naked in front of someone new - my ex was my first and only 😮 - but when it came to it I was happy to strip off and enjoyed a bit of a sexual revolution 😊
I had several dates, had a thing with 3 men who were all so wrong for me but I enjoyed the experience all the same. Exactly one year ago I met my DP and he has been amazing - just what I need- kind, loving, generous and just an all round lovely guy who adores me :)
I knew I was ready when I didn’t feel anything about the idea of my exH having a new partner!
give it a go!

I think I knew I was ready when I started thinking about the guys I was messaging more than my ex! It’s been about 9 months since we split with an accidental shag in the middle and it’s only now that I’m not upset thinking about him or crying regularly that I feel ready to meet other men.

Obviously I still feel a bit sad if I dwell on things, but it’s a much more detached sadness (anti depressants have helped there too!).

When I find myself looking forward to a date or excited by a message from someone new, instead of annoyed that it’s not the ex, then I know I’m finally over him!