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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Depression after the ‘high’ of leaving

9 replies

Pegs11 · 29/08/2022 10:41

I left my husband about six weeks ago, and for the first couple of weeks I felt great. I felt free, and knew I had made the right decision. But as time has gone on, and particularly over the course of the last couple of weeks, I’ve become increasingly depressed. While I knew the marriage wasn’t making me happy, and he was actually kind of abusive, I have left behind more than just the relationship. I have left my home, my cats, my financial security… everything that anchored me has gone, and I feel completely cast adrift. Now I feel like I’m really not coping.

I am already on antidepressants (long term) and I see a counsellor once a week, but I don’t feel good at all, my resolve is wavering, and I am desperately worried about my future - about money and about being alone (I’m in my 40s and I hear how hard it is to meet someone) and I am grieving for the life I left behind.

I am just so sad and low. Has anyone else experienced these feelings - been on a high from leaving, to later being depressed? How long did the depression last, and how did you come out of it? Please tell me things get better. At the moment I’m feeling like I have made a terrible choice and have ruined everything for myself.

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Sleepytimebear · 29/08/2022 10:48

I had the same, I wasn't depressed but I did have low mood, insomnia, anxiety etc interspersed with total elation that i was free. It absolutely gets better, you know you have made the right decision but you've got to grieve the relationship and the life you thought you would have. That takes time to come to terms with. I think it took me a few weeks to get over the initial shock and get on a more even keel but I won't lie, it did take months to work through the anxiety and although over time I had fewer and fewer low days, they did still happen from time to time. I am definitely through the other side now and you will get there too. Just try to remember why you left and keep looking forward to the new opportunities you will have, the life you can choose for yourself now you're not held back. Good luck.

Inamess2022 · 29/08/2022 10:51

Just showing my support as am going through the same now, also in my 40s with a young son, I left my toxic relationship a few weeks ago for good (it had been up and down for at least two years before that) It was a whole complicated blended family scenario that was not good for my mental health. But now I feel the same sense of feeling lost, adrift, guilt that “I’ve made him homeless” despite him being absolutely vile to me at the end 😞😞😞 Am also hoping time heals all things I’m clinging onto that at the moment.

Lunificent · 29/08/2022 10:55

It’s awful that you were forced to leave the cats. I think that’s quite a big stressor in itself. Can you get them back? Could you adopt some rescue cats? That might help ease the pain a bit.

Inamess2022 · 29/08/2022 10:57

Yes I agree completely about the cats if you can get them back do try my son and I kept our little girl and she is a huge comfort to both of us.

Pegs11 · 29/08/2022 17:14

@Sleepytimebear thank you, it’s good to hear that things can get better. I seem to be thinking pretty bleakly at the moment. Particularly as something set me off yesterday and this HUGE sense of loss just hit me like a train. I had a complete meltdown (screamed a lot) because I was in so much emotional pain.

You mentioned saying goodbye to the life I thought I’d have, and that is very much part of it. Not least the financial side… we had literally just reached a point of being quite well off and were looking forward to moving to a lovely new home… the thing we’d dreamed about for years… and all I can afford on my own is a one-bed flat. Sometimes I think WHY OH WHY DID I LEAVE, I MUST BE CRAAAAZY!!

I keep having to remind myself that I left for a good reason, I had to listen to my heart and my gut.

I guess I just find it hard to believe life will be “better” on my own… I just feel like it will bring me a new set of problems. I hope I don’t feel like this forever.

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Pegs11 · 29/08/2022 17:16

@Inamess2022 I’m so sorry you’re going through this too.

I also have the guilt thing, and it clouds my judgement sometimes.

It’s just so hard isn’t it. I really hope things improve for you soon and you can move forward with positivity x

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Pegs11 · 29/08/2022 17:21

@Lunificent I am unable to accommodate the cats, sadly.

It may be wishful thinking but I have hope that my husband and I will remain amicable so I can visit the kitties every now and again. But I don’t know if “amicable” will be possible… I have a feeling we may fall out over splitting the finances.

However, I do have the dog, we are inseparable and she is my best friend. I’m so glad I have her.

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HyggeandTea · 29/08/2022 17:35

It will get better, but everything takes its own time. (20 year marriage, I'm in my forties)
I miss my old life, but I think I look at it with rose tinted glasses. It's like when someone dies, you remember all the lovely things and good memories, not the fact that they could also be a right grumpy bugger and annoyed the heck out of you.
I made a conscious effort to not be petty or unkind. We have remained on civil terms but it could have got very nasty.
I have met someone else, and the falling in love again was fun. 🙂
It will be okay ... different, but okay x

Pegs11 · 29/08/2022 18:07

@HyggeandTea This gives me hope.

Did you agree on the finances without too much trouble?

How did you meet your new partner, if you don’t mind me asking?

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