Is it hardest to meet someone in 40s?

[Introvertedandalone]

I’ve recently been told this by someone I usually take good advice from:

In 20s everyone is living wild and free. In 30s people are starting to settle down and probably already with the one they want to commit to/looking for that person. In 40s the single people are fresh out of a divorce/LTR and there’s usually a reason for that and a lot of baggage.

is there truth in this or is there hope to meet someone decent in your 40s? Who isn’t someone else’s discarded useless man?

just looking for a glimmer of hope as I approach 40, relatively newly single and worrying about a lonely future. Why would a decent man be single in his 40s?

I would say it is difficult, though there will be posters that have found lovely guys in their 40's.

I personally believe at this age there are a lot more wonderful women with lots to offer who are looking for long term relationships than there are men in a similar position.

So yes, they are out there, but the odds are stacked against finding them, being attracted to them and all the other things that have to fall in place for a relationship to get off the ground.

If you really want to have children I would have a plan b in mind (or go for a younger guy).

This is what I was thinking too.

i have a DD and can’t have another so that’s not a consideration. Truth is I don’t really want a relationship right now either but I’m scared if I wait till 40s it’ll be too late. Not for children just for finding a decent guy who isn’t lazy/a cheat/emotionally unavailable…etc

No, I got married again at 40, didn't have any problem getting boyfriends.
Sadly I was divorced 15 years later, am now 60 and finding a man who is in any way acceptable is like trying to find water in the gobi desert.
So I don't bother any more.

I have no kids or baggage and in my 40s. I had a series of relationships but no one I really wanted to commit to fully - I like my life. Older I got the more drama and baggage guys came with.

Now met a wonderful guy. He has an older kid, no drama and no baggage. We click and he enhances my life. Just decided to have a strict criteria

i recently deleted my messages from guys I chatted to OLD - always archived them. Over 5 years swapped numbers with over 175 guys. Probably first date with half of them and then half of that up to third date. Only about 5 made it to more dates.

looking at the numbers took ages to met my guy, but I hope he is the last swipe

@Bestcatmum - I'm a few years younger than you and have the same view about ladies. Unfortunately a lot of people who are single in their 40s and 50s do have baggage - men or women.

I'd like to meet someone new but I am not burning my time on OLD or similar. If I'm meant to meet someone it will happen. Until then I am enjoying my life

It’s possible for a relationship to break down when people are in their 40s without neither one being the bad guy. People can simply grow apart, become incompatible.

Try not to look at other human beings as potential discards, they will sense it, and the negative energy. You want to be giving out positive energy which is more attractive.

You can decide someone is not for you without concluding they are rubbish.

is there truth in this or is there hope to meet someone decent in your 40s? Who isn’t someone else’s discarded useless man?

maybe the men are thinking the same about single women in their 40’s ?

For the same reason there are decent women in their 40s who are single.

Relationships break down for many reasons and often it’s not due to cheating but growing apart, different goals, etc.

Thanks all. Good to hear. Turns out my friend isn’t always right 😂 I’m not looking at the moment but I’m sure if it’s meant to be, someone will come along.

They might be - but are you really arguing that there are no decent women who are over 40 out there?
Cos I know loads and loads, but they have all opted out of dating a happily resigned to living a single life as the men they have met just aren't worth giving up their nice lives for.

I'm sure I've read articles on this lately. The toxic masculinity that has driven away single women away.
All of my friends can financially afford not to have to partner up after they have had children so unless men bring more positives than negatives then they aren't worth the hassle.

I'm sure there are women who aren't worth the bother but as this is Mumsnet, maybe women's views and opinions are being sort rather than all the menz piling on with their views? It's there the rest of the internet for that?

I'm currently OLD btw and over 40 so I haven't given up because I had had some wonderful relationships and times with some wonderful guys over my life, and I'm hoping to find someone again.

I also have a similar thread going after DH walked out on me and 3 young children unexpectedly very recently - I'm 39

I was also looking for the same reassurance as you

That this isn't the end in terms of meeting someone to have a fulfilling stable and long term relationship with

I'm not looking yet - and won't for a while due to the age of my children but then it feels like maybe I'll be too old

It's a very scary and unsettling time.

@mscampbelle
its about your mindset, if you go into an activity thinking that the only options available to you are going to be load of crap then that is all you ever see.

I think the older you get the harder it is, this is something I’m concerned about

@Introvertedandalone

I didn't find it that hard, but harder than 20''s/30's

...but 50's FFS, it would be easier to find two needles in a hay stack, in a hay field avoiding angry cows,, though admittedly that's with covid, a change of jobs (anti social hours) and a move (so fewer friends of friends etc)

dont rush into it, for the sake of being 'couples' there's nothing to say you'll continue to be in that relationship anyway!!

This is exactly my concern.

Its not a man bashing thread. I know loads and loads of lovely, kind, caring, funny attractive men.

they’re all married to my friends!!

(NOT me saying I fancy my friends’ husbands by the way, just saying the lovely men are taken!)

@Introvertedandalone - there's a few of us out here and single. We're all trying to sort the wheat from the chaff as well.

If only there was some kind of chaff filter. It is such a minefield!

I'm fat and in my 50s and have no problem getting dates. However I'm not wanting anything serious or long term, so maybe that helps?

@Introvertedandalone Yes Yes Yes.

There are a few people on here I'd go out on a date with just from the sensibility of their posts.

Good luck anyway - you send normal so I am sure you will be fine

It is harder to meet someone as you get older, yes, but there's a number of factors at play - not least you, probably, having a better handle on what you don't want. Lots of people marry in late 20s/30s...and lots of people divorce in their 40s. The longer you live, the more life you're going to bring into future relationships, nothing wrong with that. Most of my closet female friends (I'm 52) have never married, a couple of my very closest friends met someone serious in their 40s, like me. One, like me, is getting married next year. I Met my partner when I was 41. He was separated and going through a divorce when we met.

Sorry I meant to say by life I mean: children, life experience, past relationships. Hate the term baggage, its just so reductionist!

I think that's a good idea. I just concentrate on living my life to the max and having fun with friends. If I meet someone great and if I don't well that's OK too. I have a lovely home I own, a career and a 40 year old son who lives elsewhere. I dont "need" anything else but it would be nice if it happened.

In answer to the question: no, it's not as hard as some say. Just keep your standards high and DON'T RUSH INTO THINGS. Be upbeat - good things do happen.

Some reassuring and great advice. Thanks