Emotionally unavailable husband

[MsTaz]

Just wondering who else has as emotionally unavailable partner?

How do you cope with it? Has it improved over time?

We have been together 7 years, 6 of which we have been married. I have managed to deal with his emotional unavailability to an extent, but recently have struggled with it 4 months post-partum. My hormones are not helping.along with the isolation of being a new mum.

Lots of other positives in the relationship. Just need some words of encouragement. I feel like I’m dwelling on it a lot and over thinking to the point of wanting to end my marriage on a daily basis.

He is a workaholic, running his own business, and is consumed by that most of the time. that’s his excuse for not being around or wanting to talk as he is tired. He shuts down or gets defensive in our serious conversations. He also doesn’t really see the value in date nights or celebrating special events like anniversaries or birthdays. It was my birthday yesterday, I’m currently at my parents for a few nights and he has not even messaged to wish me happy birthday. In fact he never initiates phone calls or messages….

Re-read your post op. Like others wondering how you do benefit from your relationship.

@spotteddicksarebestavoided
When I wrote this post in the early hours of the morning I was quite emotionally charged and may have carastrophised a few aspects. No relationship is as black and white as we describe it and mine certainly is multifaceted. There are many lovely and tender moments in my marriage, which I need to appreciate more of. He can be emotionally detached but I can be overly anxious and clingy too. There are date nights and important moments are celebrated, they just haven’t been at the forefront whilst I’ve been pregnant and post partum. Prior to this I was pretty direct in asking for what I wanted and needed and he was good at showing up. My hormones are still all over the place and baby has changed the dynamics of our relationship, not to mention all that alone time without a wider support network. I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet, there is certainly hope. We spoke earlier today and had a brief heart to heart so feeling positive about the future.

The attachment styles has been a real eye opener! There is certainly lots of work to be done on both our parts. More importantly so that we don’t pass on any emotional baggage onto baby.

Thank you all 🙏

My hormones are still all over the place and baby has changed the dynamics of our relationship, not to mention all that alone time without a wider support network.

This will be having a huge impact on things op and especially if they are your first dc. Having little support, I really struggled. It sounds as if you are very self-aware and this will stand you in good stead. Congratulations on the birth of your dc.

I can totally relate to the sense of relief when you get out of a relationship like this. What finally pushed me was the realisation that it would not get any better. My exH did a real job on me convincing me I was asking too much and I was the problem which was easy as I had avoidant dismissive parents. It seemed normal to be alone and having to cope on my own.

My relationship now couldn't be more different. My partner loves my company, initiates things for us to do and together. We talk about everything, even the difficult stuff. If you do decide to get into another relationship accept nothing but openess and intimacy because without it you have a lodger not a partner 💐

So sorry to hear about your difficulties at such an emotional time. Everything you have said was the same for my exH. He was obsessed with his hobbies and work but this was a mask for his fear of intimacy. Also the sociability around other people. They had no idea what he was really like and I got a lot of flack when I got out but no one really knew him. Me too, he shared very little of what was going on in his head.

Be mindful that what you are feeling isn't just baby hormones. It's a trait of anxious preoccupied to doubt yourself. It would be very easy to carry on ignoring or minimising your feelings. That's how I ended up stuck for twenty years. Also my exH really withdrew when I was pregnant and had our daughter, ignored the pregnancy and made excuses to be keep his distance when she was born. It still makes me sad that there are no pictures when I gave birth. He showed absolutely no excitement.

My experience of this is my exH saw nothing wrong in the way he related. I was the 'needy' one until I got the courage to tell him I wanted a divorce and then he was falling all over himself to book marriage counseling. But it was too late, I was done although I went through the motions. He tried to get control of the sessions by manipulating the counselor. That was the final nail in the coffin!

He's going through his second divorce now which I predicted as lockdown with another human being would have been his idea of hell. I totally made the right decision.

Another to say this sounds a bit like my ex too (though his problems went way beyond this). It just won’t do to be with someone who isn’t interested in your emotional life.

I once had a DH like this (we are now divorced). I never noticed how bad it was until he stopped working away. Then things fell apart pretty quickly because I was no longer prepared to put up with his indifference.

IMO they don't change.

Marking place sadly.

Yes my husband is utterly emotionally unavailable. I struggle big time - my mum died 3 months ago tomorrow. I'm thinking of leaving but I have 2 kids and a shit job. If I tell you how he is you'd tell me to leave. It won't get better OP I'm sorry. Xx

He just sounds like a boring man who doesnt want to spend time with or interact with you, unfortunately. He's not interested. Thats the bottom line.

I hope you find a way forward even if it means leaving him to find your own happiness. He must know you're unhappy but it doesnt seem as if he cares.

The reason they don't change is the same as any dynamic that suits one person but make the other person unhappy. This is their happiness. They are comfortable in a set up where their needs are catered for, they are taken care of, they have the persona of being a husband and parent but they can maintain their independence at the same time. They don't want intimacy because it suffocates and terrifies them.

What's interesting is my exH did a very good show of 'normal' emotional interaction in the beginning. It must have been torture for him. He was fully aware that he had a problem but he dealt with it by capitalising on my insecurities and lack of boundaries. A secure person wouldn't have put up with his nonsense for very long imo so this not a one-sided dynamic.

Once I moved in the gloves came off and it was strictly two independent people sharing a house, the way he wanted it at all times I didn't realise the real issue until we had children. The hobbies continued and the working away from home increased. He was completely absent but controlled the finances, I felt trapped whilst the same time doing everything to promote the family I desperately wanted

In my experience the only thing you can control is you. Get the courage to leave because they won't change, to be intimate and emotionally available is their nightmare. Why would they agree to that? Even divorce and losing the assets he was so proud of hasn't taught him anything. He's going through his second divorce now and estranged from his only child for last ten years.

Apologies for the dissertation but it makes me incredibly sad to see how common this is in other people's marriages.

That is so articulate, @Dacquoise — to a t what happened in my marriage, including the pretence at the start. My ex also will never learn. You’ve described this perfectly.

I know it’s been a while but some of you were experiencing similar situations with your partners. This article might help….https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/communicate-with-avoidant-partner/

And I’m currently getting coaching to move from an anxious attachment to a secure one, which should improve circumstances.

🙏

@MsTaz all very well as long as you don’t forget yourself and your lo in this. It’s all very well recognising different attachment styles, but if it’s only YOU ‘working on yourself’ ask yourself why. Have you always been an anxious attachment type, or has this come about because of his treatment of you? And how will your dc cope with an avoidant father? Or does the child have to learn to do mental gymnastics to communicate with dear daddy too?

@goody2shooz absolutely valid point, I completely understand your point of view. But I feel it’s still worth a try to shift my own attachment before I make any concrete life changing decisions.

@MsTaz I'm going through a depression due to DH being so emotionally unavailable. He has been for years and definitely does a lot for me but won't engage with me.

Pregnant with DC2 and it's genuinely the first time I've felt our marriage is not going to make it. Even though the signs have been there for 5/10 years we've been together.

How is everything going for you? Did you try counselling?

@curiouslycoy sorry you're going through this. I am too. How are you feeling? I had my second and I lost my mum and since she died I've been completely alone. I've realised my friends as selfish and make no time for me. So all that coupled with my husband who has a "get over it" attitude makes for a very lonely life. I would leave if I could. Hope you're ok. Xx