Stuck in abusive, controlling relationship

[MollyBunny154]

I'm hoping I can get some advice,
I apologize in advance if this is long and turns in to a rant, Just need to get this off my chest this is very difficult to write.

My husband is so so Lazy and abusive I'm sick of it.

We have been married 19 years and have 4 children.
Our children are aged 18, 16, 13 and 10. They all have autism and other special needs.

When we first met he was kind and sweet and caring but things soon changed after we got married.

He became controlling, verbally abusive and Lazy.
When our first son was born he would not do any thing, never changed a nappy, never fed him or played with him. I had to do everything. I would have to get up in the night whilst he slept the whole night through every night. My brother lived with us for a while and he would get up and try and help me in night as he felt so bad.

When our oldest son was 8 months old my husband was offered a new job which meant us having to move.

We moved to other end of country I had to leave my family behind, and knew no one where we moved to.
It was very hard and felt very alone.

2 years later our second son was born. After our second son was born we found out our oldest son had Autism. We later found out our second son had Autism and serve special needs.

I had to give up work to take care of them.

Long story but we tried putting them in mainstream school but school could not cope with them. local education authority would not give funding for extra help needed for them to attend mainstream school and would not give them places at a special needs school. School kicked them out so had no choice but to home educate them.

Again my husband never did anything for our second son either. By this point I was very fed up and wanted to leave him but was scared. He threatened to halm the children and kill him self if I left which I truly believe he would do. so stayed with him.

He many times promised to change but these were empty promises he never changed.

We went on to have 2 more children not because I wanted more children but because he would force himself on me.

Our youngest son he never even came to the hospital for the birth. He stayed at home and played on his Xbox.

I had to take my self to hospital and had to go through whole birth including C section on my own.

I can't even begin to describe how scared I was. I cried as I walked down to theatre.
And after when came back to ward, seeing other mums with there caring partners by there sides it was so hard.
My husband finally came to hospital 3 days after our youngest son was born. When I had complications and had to be rushed back to the operating theatre.

Any way he has never been there or done anything for any of our children.

I have done everything for our children 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the he last 18 years.

I feel like a single mother and always have felt like a single mother.

The only thing my husband does is go to work to earn money to pay the bill.
I understand this is important and see that he
works hard but I still think he should be doing things at home.

All he does is go to work, come home and shut himself in his room and watch TV non stop.
On his days off he just shuts him self in his room and watches TV .

He expects me to wait on him hand and foot. I have to do everything. Make his breakfast, lunch and dinner and bring it to him, bring him drinks when he wants, do his laundry, clean house, do be lessons with children. He won't even bring plates down after eating.
He is a chef so knows how to cook but won't cook.

He doesn't interact or speak to his children. Not so long ago it was our sons 16th birthday and he didn't even wish him a happy 16th birthday.

If I dont do as he is says he just yells at me. You can't talk to him full stop, no matter what you say he immediately raises his voice and starts swearing, yelling and shouting.
He calls me Lazy, says I stay at home every day
and don't go to work so I'm the Lazy one.

He has been on holiday the last 2 weeks and has just sat in his room for 2 weeks whilst I have had to wait on him. Breakfast and 2 X 2 course meals a day. I'm sick of it.
Like said if I don't he starts yelling at me and becomes abusive. He has hit and bitten me in past.
Don't want my children to see or hear that so just do as I'm told and he stays away.

I should add that the last 2 years I've been suffering ill health, I'm in constant pain, dizziness and light headedness, vomiting and more. I often struggle to get out of bed because of the pain. I can't stand up for long and can't walk far. I'm on many medications and still have to force myself out of bed to do everything. He knows I am not well but doesn't care. He still won't do anything.

Our marriage has been over for a long time, we don't sleep in same room and haven't for years. I sleep on a small pull out bed in my daughter's room. I try and stay away from him. If I try and sit near him even just to try and talk all he wants to do is try and jump in my pant.

All he cares about is being looked after and sex. He is obsessed with sex.

It must be so nice to be able to just sit there and relax and have some one look after you.
I honestly dont know what is feels like to have to some take care of you, I don't even know what love is any more.

I feel so fed up and alone.
My children hate him our youngest son won't even go near him.

I want to leave him more than any thing and give my children a better life, i can't go on like this but am terrified.

He still threatens to kill him self if I leave. I know he is saying this to control me but truly believe he will do it.
I don't want to have to live with him killing him self on my conscience.

I'm in no way trying to defend him but he is not right in the head and needs help.
He went through a traumatic childhood. His mum was raped and ended up pregnant with him, she abandoned him at the hospital, he spent serval years in hospital then in foster care.
Then he was finally adopted at about 9 years old. But from what I've heard I don't think his adopted parents treated him very well.

So has never had parents really so think he
sees me as a substitute for the mum he never had.

He has never dealt with his past and is very angry and bitter about it.

I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this. But cant afford to leave him as won't be able to pay the bills. His wages pay the bills without his Money I have nothing.he knows that and uses that to control me.

I gave up everything to take care of our children, have been there 24 hours a days 7 days a week for 18 years taking care of our children I've never had a break or been away from my children. I doubt I could even get a job now. Who would want to employ some one who hasn't worked for over 18 years. I feel so trapped

Also we live in a housing association house. Both are names are on rental agreement.
I've been told I can't have him removed from rental agreement without his permission. There is no way he would agree or leave, So I would have to walk out and have my name removed he would get house and me and children would be homeless.

How is that fair.
As I've said my children all have autism and other special needs. They are very set in there ways and routine. They would not cope with a move, going to a shelter, temporary housing or being homeless.

I feel so trapped and alone, I have no friends and no one to talk to.
Has any one been in this kind of situation, did you manage to get your abusive ex removed from rental agreement or did you have to leave and make your self homeless.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to help out and do things around the house.

Is there any way out.

I know this is my fault I should have left him years ago, I was just so scared.

Any advice much appreciated
Thanks in advance.

OP I'm so sorry, you fell down a nightmare rabbit-hole and you've just got used to being lonely.

All I can say is that actually being alone is much less lonely than what you describe.

This is all without even considering the impact of all this misery on your children. Please give them a chance of understanding that relationships should nor look like this.

Posting here was a brave first step. Take the next one, and the next one, and the next one.

Oh and P.S.

Let him kill himself. The world would be a much better place.

However, he won't. People like this are far too selfish to willingly harm themselves.

I'm so sorry to read this - it sounds horrendous but having more and more kids with this man was a stupid idea and now potentially you'll be the sole carer for 4 young people very dependant on you

I'd go to see a solicitor and get things sorted and make your escape plan but you have made this very difficult for yourself

If after one child he was a nightmare why on earth have 3 more kids with him!?!?!?

He raped her. Read the thread.

Youve posted your message asking for advice. Looking at the facts, OP: you've allowed this relationship to fester for a very long time. You've stuck it for this long, so why do I think you're going to split up now? Once a doormat, always a doormat?

@Equallength

I agree this is horrific what I meant was that I wouldn't have stayed to have had all those children I'd have sought help way before now

The OP needs to contact women's aid and get rid of this awful man and contact the police aswell as this is a criminal offence

It's so sad she's stayed with him all this time I feel for her situation but she needs out

You leave now with the kids. Work out the details later.

Next time he has a big argument with you use that opportunity to call the police and tell them everything, then they will be able to remove him from the house and advise you on legal aspects such as a non molestation order and protecting yourself. Get the locks changed and install a cheap camera to the front and back of house (£20 on Amazon). This is your chance to get him out of the house.

In the meantime speak to women said who can help you to prepare for when you feel strong enough to do this. I feel your children have already been exposed to far too much and I hope you have the strength to stand up for yourself and make changes to benefit your children and the rest of your own life.

You do not have to continue to live like this, there is so much more to live for that your shielded form living this life.

What a horrible abuser he is.

@Str8talker what a horrible person you are.
Op you are in a tough situation and I think women's aid might be best placed to advise you about your options if you contact them. Perhaps there are avenues open to you that you are unaware of.

And I agree with pp, if he wants to kill himself, let him. Wouldn't be your fault. But he won't.

Can you move back near your family OP? Get your brother to help you if you can. But get away from this person. How can anyone let themselves treat another human this way, let alone someone they professed to live at one point?
I think if you get away you will find yourself less alone than you are now. Imagine all the time you'd have for your kids, for your own health, without skivvying to this person?
Contact womens aid and go from there. You can do this and his threats are just that, threats. It's about control and I'm pretty sure he won't go through with it. If he does and he tells you just call the police

He threatens to harm the children.

Report and run.

Feel so sorry for you op what a strong person you must be to put ùp with this vile individual who has abused and raped you.
Ring women's aid contact your family there will be help out there.
This must be affecting your children's health and yours and you deserve to be happy and safe..let the stupid bastard kill himself do the world a favour. You're not responsible for his behaviour. Good luck 😘

Hi op

He is raping you. You can report him and get support from women's aid. It's never too late to get out.

Please reach out to these places for help

You need to prioritise yourself and your kids and leave him to choose his path. His future and reactions are his responsibility and not yours. only you can resolve this situation.

start by calling the police when he is violent or rapes you. Infact go report all the historic violence to the police today and say you would like him charged.

talk to womens aid for advice first however, ring them up tomorrow

do the kids have disability social workers? Be open with them about the abusive household and seek advice.

autism is often genetic, so it might be that your partner has it also. This could make him changing patterns of behaviour, empathising or communication incredibly difficult. However your first duty is to safeguard yourself and your children. He is an adult and in charge of himself,

Thank you everyone for your replies, to those saying it's my fault, that I let the relationship fester and that I should have left him much sooner. And that I was stupid to have more children with him.
I completely understand where your coming from and do agree I was and am stupid. Not a day goes past when I don't blame my self.

But unless you have been in this situation you will never understand, you will never know what it's like to be terrified and trapped.
Everything Ive done is to protect my children, I will always do whats best for my children.

My life has never been easy but I avoided mentioning it in first post because didn't want post too long it was long enough and this is equally hard to talk about.

But I'll give you some back story to help you understand how I ended up in this situation.
I was bullied all through primary school and had no friends, my father was abusive, my mum got sick with cancer when I was about six year old my father would scream and shout and hit my mum. One time he punched her in neck where cancer tumor was.
When I wasn't listening to my parents arguing and my father being abusive, my youngest older brother would sexsually abuse me.

I was sent to a secondary school I didn't want to go to despite beging my parents not to send me there.
I was bullied all through secondary school, called names, kicked and punched, threatened you name it. I would come home bleeding every day and would sit in my room crying.

At 16 years old a tumor was found in my left. I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery, followed by treatment. This is going to sound crazy but I remember when Dr told me I had a tumor in my leg I was not scared I was just so happy as it finally meant I didn't have to go to school and be near the bullies.
I was on crutches for over a year it was probably the best year of my life at that point which is sad to say.

After I recovered I finished school then my mum got her own place I spent most of my time with her and things were better for a couple of years. I went to college and finally made some friends.

I then went off to university and shortly after my life fell apart I had a phone call from mum, she told me to sit down then she told me she had cancer again, but it was incurable this time, she was dying.

In my second year at uni I met my now husband whilst on a work in placement. When I first met him he was sweet and kind and caring.
We became good friends and he was there when my mum passed away.

After my mum died my family fell apart I fell in to deep depression and tried to kill my self.
One night me and my husband had a lot to drink I got drunk and we slept together.
This is how I got pregnant with our oldest son. It was a big mistake.

My father found out I was pregnant and demanded I married my now husband. My husband was over the moon and wanted to marry me, and before I knew it my father and now husband had arranged wedding behind my back. I had no say.

I was forced marry him. And had to give up uni.

This all might sound hard to believe but it's all true.

I feel like my whole life I've been punished but don't know why, I have often wished I was never born. At least then I would not have had to go through all this.

Regarding my children as I mentioned in first post but perhaps should have made clearer, I did not want to have more children he would force him self on me and rape me. I went on birth control but he kept taking the tablets away.

When I had my 3rd child I asked the drs to tie my tubes whilst doing C section so I couldn't get pregnant again. I didn't want to bring more children in to this situation.

Unfortunately they did not tie tubes properly and I fell pregnant again just under 3 years later to my shock and horror.

So you see I did try to stop this.

I have stood by my children, I have cared for them by myself and love them to bit. If I have to look after them for ever that's fine I have no problem with that. I'm not afraid to be alone, I'm not afraid to be a single mum, I already am a single mum as far as I'm concerned I do everything.

I try to give them the best life possible, we have fun and laughs when he isn't around and have created many memories, including picnics by the Lake, building dens, kayaking going out to visit castles and museum.

Yes the situation must effect them but I try my best.

To those asking why I have stayed with him so long and why I didn't leave him years ago.
My answer is this, due to my childhood, I guess in away I felt it was normal, that it must be me. Maybe I deserve it. I was scared. I could go on.

As I have said Not a day goes by when I don't blame my self, if it wasn't for my children I would have killed my self along time ago.

Every night I cry my self to sleep, I often think about suicide but would never do it my children mean to much to me. I couldn't leave them.

I did ring Woman's aid once before and they wanted me to leave with my children and go to a shelter.
Going to a shelter is not a option. As I've said before all 4 of my children have Autism, ripping them out of there home and putting them in a shelter in a unfamiliar place is going to just cause more upset. They won't understand, they will get very upset if any one here has a child with Autism you will understand what I mean.
I struggle to just take them out on a bus or train especially my youngest, he goes in to a complete melt down.

Walking out now and going to a shelter is not in there best interest, I know staying with him isn't in there best interest either, but they have a roof over there head, food in there tummys and all there stuff that's familiar to them.
As long as I do what he says he leaves us alone. I want this to end and want to leave him but can't see a way out that won't affect my children.

I don't see why We should have to leave our home, shouldn't the children's welfare and intests be put first. How is letting the abuser have the 3 bedroom home and me and children having to go to a shelter in there best interest. It's not.

I would go to a solicitor but don't have the money and can't afford it.

Has any one successful got there abusive partner removed from there home without having to leave.

Again any advice much appreciated
Thanks in advanced

Just to add I can't go to police, I've been to police before in past and they completely let me down, dragged me through the mud, humiliated me. I have no faith and don't trust the police any more, our justice system is a joke in this country, if I go to police they will just make me go through it again and again and he will most likely be let off they seem to be always believe the suspect not the victim.

I will not go through that again
I will never phone the police again not for any thing they are a waste of time.

Well there you have it, a major obstacle to removing him from the house. You need to do the polar opposite to safeguard your children and yourself. Keep reporting incidents to the police, gain evidence where possible. Yes it’s frustrating and often unproductive but you must keep reporting over and over again. Do it for your children. Their safety is paramount and no amount of picnics or den building can make an abusive home less abusive.

If you first look at the practicalities OP, I'm assuming the children are in receipt of DLA? That will be an additional income of around £1000 a month for four children. As a single parent you would then be in receipt of UC.
You say you can't phone the police which would assist you in having him removed from the home and enabling you all to be safe
You say you can't leave with the children due to the disruption to them.
You ask if there is anywhere out. I can see you have the above two options. How do you see yourself fixing this?

Just can't believe what I've just read. My heart goes out to you. You've had a really hard awful damaging tough life you're incredible to have dealt with all of this, bullying, sexual abuse, rape. To bring up your children like you have you're a inspiration and a complete credit.
Wow OP just wow. I pray you get the help you deserve your children have one amazing Mother bless you. Can you kick him out is he on the mortgage? Keep reporting him to the police.
What a vile man. Keep going you're worth so much more. 💕 xx

OP I just wondered if you were from an ethnic minority community - parts of your story and how you phrase things make me think this. If so, there are specialist domestic violence organisations which you could contact for support. Google 'ethnic minority domestic violence support' .

Whichever DV line you're speaking to should not try and force you into one option. They should advise you on various options and what the likely outcomes of each might be.

They should also have staff who understand about SEN / ASD children and how difficult a sudden move would be for them.

Are all the children home schooled? Their father will be affecting them and professionals might pick this up. As you're on medication you must be seeing your GP, do they have any idea about your suffering?

How are you op 🌹