DH has done zero solo childcare over the summer holidays

[whatatanker]

Our situation: I’m a SAHM, he’s self employed.

DH came on a brief holiday to Cornwall for 4 days in July (which I booked and paid for)

Since then, he has worked 9-6 every day and seems to think that all the childcare falls to me. It’s exhausting. Things have come to a head today because it’s the first day off he’s taken in ages, and he’s spent most of the day cycling.

He could easily take time off during the summer hols, but refuses to. We have 3 DC under 6. I’m feeling exhausted and unfairly treated.

I really want a day off, but he sees childcare as my job. How do I get through this?

See I'm petty and the first day he had off I'd be up early and out of the door to leave him on his own with the kids all day.

Explain that no job is 24/7 and 365. If he doesn’t get it hire some part-time help to give yourself a rest. I am sorry.

I'd ask him why he wanted children and did he always plan on being an absent father? The remind him that if you split he will be forced to do childcare if he wants to see his DC.

My DH has not really done any solo childcare either. I’m a part time teacher and so childcare is my responsibility during holidays. DH works long hours and has limited holidays,
That being said he doesn’t work weekends and has taken the best part of 3 weeks off to go on holiday with us. Family time is very important to him.
Your DH should be taking time off to spend with his children if you’re sure he can afford to do so.

Is he working 9-6 7 days a week?

He won’t though. He can’t be forced to see his children and there is nothing to stop him asking his mum/sister/neighbour to babysit on his time.

Not every weekend, but, most, yes. Especially over the summer holidays it seems.

He can definitely afford to take time off.

It might be sensible to consider getting a job.

If he is a high earner, he may have the attitude that he provides and you get to SAH and this is the proper division of labor. You know his personality and beliefs and late in the game to will him to change. I would have a conversation with him and then hire help—sometimes you just need to solve a problem.

'childcare'?!

Should I have said ‘parenting’ instead?!

Well yes frankly. Childcare is what you need when you go out to work. If you are looking after/spending time with your own children it's just parenting or living your life with your family. Such a sad attitude to have when people view it as just another 'job' that needs to be done. Yes, I do think it's bad that your DH doesn't spend any time on his own with his children.

I'm on the fence with this one, unless there is a drip feed coming.

Presumably your kids are in school and childcare some of the time. So that's time off for you. In my situation, I have zero time when I'm not working or parenting. Same with dh.

If you've got a young child with you 24/7, yanbu.

If you've your h puts his feet up after work and leaves you to do all the housework, yanbu.

I also have a self employed dh and if I was a sahm, I'd want dh to maximise his income. But I'd expect this to be a conversation with him to make sure we're on the same page.

In the current climate being self employed I’d be shitting myself and working every hour god sends
seen as the financial responsibility for the entire family falls on his shoulders

How much time would you have wanted him to take off? Does he do things with them at weekends? Is ge happy being the sole earner? Maybe he’s very worried about being self employed and supporting a family of 5 given the economic shit show coming down the tracks.

Are any of your DC in childcare or school?

No one can really say how much he does or doesn't need to work, but possibly he is feeling anxious given the current economic situation? You could take some time for yourself/your hobbies in the evenings once he's finished work

Is it a case of him working to avoid doing any parenting?

You need a chat and a serious one at that.
Starting with him taking over one day at the weekend and taking the lead/organising the day/looking after the dcs.

And you’ll need to go away, out of the house for that to work.

Do people not bother to communicate anymore?

You've exploded on him after allowing it to go on all summer. Why didn't you speak up weeks ago?

The choices that the OP has made would not be mine, but to be fair, he might remind her that if she splits she won't have the lifestyle she currently has, and will very likely have to go out to work.

Whilst I can see the OP's point of view, I don't see anywhere the conversation she had had about this with her DH. I also can see that he is working many hours to support the family, and maybe he sees that "traditional" rule of stay at home mother also meaning that the parenting is her primary function while his is income generation. Equally, whilst I get that parenting in the school holidays can be an all consuming role, there are more weeks in the year that aren't school holidays - is the OP still working on parenting all those hours?

There are no right answers, and it isn't black and white. What works for one family doesn't for another. Like I said, these wouldn't be my choices. Being a SAHM would drive me insane. But the relationship and how it works is individual to each family, and there's a conversation to be had.

You could try asking him to take a day off and have the kids so you can have a break?

Presumably your kids are in school and childcare some of the time. So that's time off for you.

with 3 dcs under 6yo, I’m expecting at least one if not two children are at home with the OP full time….

A pointless threat.

I’ve got 2 children at a home with me full time. The middle one is actually starting school in Sept, so things might get a bit easier.

SAHM is not my original choice, but it didn’t make sense financially for me to go back to work. I’m looking to go back now, though.

Yes I think a previous poster is right that he does feel like he’s the sole earner, so there’s pressure there too. However, when I just had two, I worked full time and did most of the stuff at home and parenting. If I go back to work now, I’ll end up doing the same I expect.

Of course he should be doing more.

If the situations were reversed and he was a SAHD, the OP would be absolutely blasted for not spending more time with her kids.

It sounds like you probably need a refreshed discussion with your DH about expectations.

The DH of a friend who is a SAHM expects her to do everything DC related, the only break she gets is when they go to school or nursery. Not saying that's right, and it's also not what she signed up to, however your DH may be thinking the same.