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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pied off again - time to phase out the friendship?

18 replies

Ilovecrisps2021 · 28/08/2022 19:41

Pied off for the fourth time this year by a friend that seems to not value my time, my life, my weekends.... not only this but the reason I was given the day before meeting was shown to be a lie via social media showing she was actually given a better offer to hang out with a different group of friends who she sees often. Fine. But don't expect me to make any more effort either. I wouldn't have even known we weren't meeting if I hadn't of messaged her, after a week of silence (a repeated tactic of hoping I've forgotten I suppose?!).
Fortunately I have a good group of close friends I see regularly, but if I didn't, imagine how shit I'd feel to being treated this way.
I'm due my baby in 2 months, just before her wedding later this year, and Im still supposed to be being a bridesmaid. I laughed with my other friends about how I just feel like I'm bridal party filler.
No effort made to see me and my baby, no consideration that I have turned down other social offers or plans because I've agreed to seeing her, it's a load of BS.
We all have busy lives, but the lack of consideration for my time and my family plans is just so out of order and I'm done with it. I just dont know the best way to phase it out.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/08/2022 22:53

I don't think you need to do anything, sounds like she's already taken care of the phasing out

TortolaParadise · 28/08/2022 23:29

I recently phased out two old 'friends' for the same reason - they never have time to engage until they 'need' something. I stopped contacting them and waited to hear from them. After two years I received a text 'Hi'. Needless to say no love lost; they added not value to my life.

Ilovecrisps2021 · 28/08/2022 23:53

@Cigarettesaftersex1 well this is what I also thought, and didn't actually mind, but she's the one that messages to meet up (I gave up after all the cancellations and 'forgotten we had plans' last year after the birth of my first child), and she still wants me as a bridesmaid. It's so bizarre.

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 28/08/2022 23:56

I just wouldn’t contact her. Phase her out !

Ilovecrisps2021 · 29/08/2022 00:02

@Catlover1970 @TortolaParadise any thoughts on the bridesmaid bit? Bearing in mind it's a few months away. I tried backing out because my second baby will be about 2 months old in Nov but she wants me to still so it even though she's a complete flake who always cancels. Like do I even address the bridesmaid bit or do I literally just stop responding.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 29/08/2022 00:03

What do you want to do about the bridesmaid thing?

Ilovecrisps2021 · 29/08/2022 00:06

@Pumpkintopf not do it based on feeling ridiculously uncomfortable being someone's bridesmaid who I never see and who is so inconsiderate of my time. I just dont know how to go about it - I tried to get out of it about a month ago, then had 2 rearranged meet ups with her then I guess this cancelled one is the last straw.

OP posts:
Ilovecrisps2021 · 29/08/2022 00:11

@Pumpkintopf it is almost as if the meet up saga was to stop me from backing out. But then she moved it, then went silent in the hope I forgot the rearranged date!

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 29/08/2022 00:13

So then I'd contact her and say given she's been unable to make the time to meet (if you're not bothered about the future friendship I would to be honest make it clear you know she was with other friends) , you don't feel it would be right to be part of the wedding party.

I'd probably say that you wish her all the best and it's all worked out well given you'll have your hands full with a new baby.

S0upertrooper · 29/08/2022 00:27

I'd message her and say words to the effect.

Hi Bride to be, I saw on fb/insta/BBC News you were out with Tom, Dick and Harry. Looks like you had a great time, good for you. Given you canceled our catchup again to meet the girls, I think it's for the best that we don't arrange to meet again as my time is precious too.

Thanks for the wedding and bridesmade invitation but on reflection, I've decided I won't be attending.

I hope you have a wonderful day and a very happy, long and healthy marriage. All the best OP

TortolaParadise · 29/08/2022 08:18

@Ilovecrisps2021 perhaps similar to the above. Your circumstances have changed and you no longer have the time to commit to being any part of her wedding day. Wish her well.

J0y · 29/08/2022 08:45

I'd just never make any effort again. Wouldn't send that text though it will make her feel defensive, she'll spin a version of your fall out to all and sundry

No2incoming · 29/08/2022 08:47

Yeah I would phase her out and stop responding if you even hear from her. When you do hear from her, explain about you are no longer able to be a bridesmaid as have yours hands full with new baby.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 29/08/2022 08:50

I agree with others who have said not to contact her again.

If you do hear from her about being a bridesmaid, just say you are no longer able to oblige as you have yours hands full with new baby.

Ilovecrisps2021 · 29/08/2022 08:50

@J0y yes this is my concern and I dont have the energy or time for it, being heavily pregnant with a toddler and my own life. I'm not confrontational either, would find the whole thing completely awkward. I will however say something regarding the wedding if it comes up again.

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 29/08/2022 08:58

I would be honest with her.
Tell her you have you dont feel she values your time or prioritises you for your meet ups with her constant rescheduling, with this in mind you would like to take a step back from the wedding as you feel it would feel a bit fake and not a true refelction of where she has now taken your friendship to.

Its better you are honest rather than blaming it on the baby. She needs to know her actions have resulted in this situation, not your baby.

Mary46 · 29/08/2022 09:09

Op its hard when friends change. I had it too phased one out she never made an effort all one sided. Yes you could say you be busy with baby as regards bridesmaid.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/08/2022 13:39

I'm due my baby in 2 months, just before her wedding later this year, and Im still supposed to be being a bridesmaid

You're right, she's staying in just enough contact to make you feel obliged to be a bridesmaid - think it's called "breadcrumbing" OP.

She's hilariously self-involved, Firstly in telling you you are not allowed to 'resign' as BM - secondly for dobbing out on you with a lie, only to see other friends instead ...

The PP who suggested a form of words for the "I resign" text got it spot-on.
Send that, or something like it, & stop worrying about how she will take it, what she will say about it, or what you "ought" to have kept sucking up from her.
She's not a friend to you & you have got more important things to fill your life with, especially your new baby Flowers

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