Toxic Mother?

[Idrathernotbehere]

Hi everyone,
im just looking for somewhere to vent this and hopefully confirm my worst fears.
my mum has always been active in my children's lives which I’m appreciative for but for maybe over the last couple of years it’s become very intense she’d often state that without her grandchildren she’d have nothing and she loves them so much it hurts, she’s started behaving more like a parent, offering my older children to live with her and taking them on holiday, and getting the arse if I took the kids out without inviting her.

weve recently been arranging a holiday for my FIL 70th and because the invitation wasn’t extended to my mum, she removed my MIL from her social media, stating that she wouldn’t be sharing pictures of her grandchildren with them, when they get them on holiday without her!
worried about her attitude I spoke to my husband who was understandably angry and disappointed, we decided that creating a bit more distance would be for the best,
i spoke to my mum about the situation and she feels she has done no wrong and that my husband is trying to take her grandkids away and saying things like they’re my world without them I might as well not be here and I thought I meant more to you, saying my husband is trying to push her over the edge.

This is emotional blackmail right? I mean I already feel guilty but at the same time I know she’s behaving like an absolute arsehole.
I feel like I’m seeing her for real for the first time but now lots of things in the past are making sense.
How do you deal with a potential Narcissistic parent? 😭

I think you’re right to withdraw a bit. Her feelings for your children are overwhelming, the way she’s expressed them. Offering to have your dc live with her is weird and intense, massively overstepping.

Being nasty with you when you take out your own children without her is weird. It will be difficult to withdraw, she seems very enmeshed in your lives, but I think that’s very unhealthy.

This is definitely emotional blackmail, your instincts are right.

How do you deal with it?

A good question.

Sounds like you have a supportive husband and are independent of her and don’t need her - so her manipulation is all the “waif” drama stuff.

All you can do is distance yourself.

Trying to get your home oldest to live with her (how old is s/he?) is very weird indeed.

She will probably do alot of flouncing now, maybe silent treatment too, to “punish” you. This is your opportunity to re-order the relationship. See her less, much much less, firm boundaries eg kids can’t stay over whatever? Is that something you could do? It does sound like she has enveigled her position quite strongly with a sense of entitlement to the extent that she also feels she is owed an invitation to your in laws holiday.

As first poster answered, she does seem very enmeshed with your lives …. so any distancing might take some significant emotional work to put in place. You might even need some professional support to do this?

I'd be a but concerned about your Mum's mental health. You have not mentioned her age. It is not unusual for a grandmother to worship her grandchildren but what you describe seems a little different. I would be particularly concerned if how she is now is decidedly different than a few years back. Say pre the pandemic.
Rather than have an over the top reaction accusing her of emotional abuse etc I would be encouraging her to open up about her feelings. Depression can and does affect older people.