Hi all, not a regular poster here but going through some sort of mini mid-life crisis I think and mumsnetters are so good with honest opinion! I'm sorry, but this is a long one. So I have been with my partner 8 years, we had our DC 3 years ago. Not married. When we first met, I was attracted to his personality and we enjoyed alot of the same things e.g. food, travel. Physically, not completely my type, but not unattractive either. I've never been entirely sure whether I ever wanted to get married (always feared it would make me feel 'trapped'), but he proposed about 5 years ago, and we agreed we may never actually formally marry, but we basically act as though we are.
We bought a house together and when I was pregnant, he was incredible. Supportive, caring, really made me feel excited at the next chapter in our lives - and that he would be a fantastic dad. Within days of giving birth (which was not the best experience), he became moody, impatient and essentially resentful of our baby. He refused to help out during the night, and would shout if our son started crying. I was at breaking point for much of the first year, due to his sometimes quite scary behaviour. There were times when I felt I couldn't trust him alone with our child. Lockdown 6 months in didn't help matters, being stuck with each other 24/7. We had so many rows, most of which consisted of him denying his behaviour, but I knew I wasn't imagining it. It broke my heart because it was the complete opposite to what I imagined it would be like, based on how he was when I was pregnant. Eventually he was able to admit that he resented the attention that our son got. Apparently this is normal for some men to feel like this. I will not apologise for the fact that I think it's pathetic. He has never apologised for his behaviour.
As our son has grown into a socialable, beautiful little boy, my partner's behaviour has improved. However, everyone around us knows our son is the way he is primarily because of my parenting and the effort I put in. I'm not perfect by any means, but my son is my world and I do my best to be the best mum I can be. Perhaps over-compensating slightly for his often useless dad.
Anyway, long context, but we are now at the point where in terms of our relationship, things have improved. He has lost some of his bad attitude, and is clearly trying harder to be less of a prick and be a better dad and partner. End of lockdowns has helped as he can go into the office once or twice a week, and we have started socialising with friends (mainly separately), which gives us a break from each other and being at home. We have even talked about TTC again for number 2. I've been broody for a while, and thought it was what I wanted, but...
The problem for me is that now, that whilst my absolute rage and resentment towards him has subsided somewhat, I now think that I don't actually want to be with him anymore. I don't fancy him, I find any excuse not to have to have sex with him (and keep my eyes closed throughout if we do, waiting for it to be over), and I'm generally bored. I've always been a very independent person and lived alone for 10 years. I feel I could quite happily live alone again, with my son, and almost yern for this. If he goes away overnight, or is out late with friends or busy with work so we don't really see each other for a few days, I'm basically at my happiest. At best, I think I love him as a friend, but anything else is gone. We both earn pretty well, and if we sold our house, I'd have enough for a deposit for a decent replacement in the same area, and I'd be able to cover mortgage by myself no problem.
To pile on the angst, I have also been thinking about an ex over the last couple of weeks. An ex who, in terms of compatability, was probably as close to a soul mate as you can get. We broke up for reasons outside of our relationship, and were too young and stubborn to sort it out. So we moved on. But I cannot get him out of my head and am tempted to contact him just to say hi. I would never cheat, or even engage in lots of conversation, but I just feel this urge to know that he's happy. But I realise this is playing with fire, and also more linked to my current unhappiness more than anything else.
I have spoken to one friend who has suggested couples counselling. We could do this but I feel it's probably pointless - once my mind is made up, I tend to not change it.
But of course, to leave would cause so much hurt and upheaval. I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure I believe in staying with someone just for the sake of appearances, or with the knowledge that you're not attracted to them and feeling like you're forcing yourself to be intimate. For decades to come?? That's a big ask.
Sorry, this was a very long post, but I am so confused and unsure what to do! If I tell my partner how I feel, that will be the beginning of the end, so I don't want to do that without being sure.
Any advice? Please?!