I need professional help

[Change12345]

NC for this one

Coming up to a year ago my H left me, it started as staying with family for a few days but here we are. Still now after all this time, I’ve no explanation and he ‘doesn’t know what he’s thinking.’ He’s avoided conversation with me when it’s about our marriage but happy to talk about general chit chat. I’ve cut that contact, I can’t be there as a friend. We have primary age DC, he has had very sparse intermittent contact with them, let them down multiple times. On the occasions I speak to him, all I get is that he’s sorry and he never wanted to hurt me.

This came out of the blue for me. I don’t understand it & am starting to accept that I may never know the truth. But I can’t process it, the confusion, the betrayal, loss of trust, heart ache, feeling completely broken, overwhelmed at raising 3 DC more or less on my own etc…

I’ve explored all options with him, gambling, stress, depression, other woman - all denied. Attempts at sitting down and talking have been met with excuses & I can’t continue waiting for my own sanity.

I’m not depressed so no point seeing GP but I am heartbroken and feeling rejected beyond belief by someone I’ve spent 15 years with.

Would a counsellor help? Or therapy - which type? Any other suggestions welcome

Sorry op this all sounds so upsetting, the least he can do is give you an explanation but id put money on another woman
Maybe you will never get closure but take control and apply for the divorce now

EMDR therapy is great for the trauma you have as a result of the shock. Any sort of therapy would help really if you find a therapist you get on with.

I wouldn't rule out the GP- at the very least they could put you on the list or arrange counselling.

@fedup078 I said I wanted a divorce recently and he said I’m rushing into it, need to give it time. It’s like he wants to have me waiting here for him - cannot fathom what is going through his head. But yes, we need to divorce

@Change12345 bugger that, he doesn't get to call the shots. Get the ball rolling and take control with regards to sorting out finances, child maintenance and the likes

Make him realise you are not pissing about unlike him

It's going to be hard but I think a lot of what you're feeling now comes from being in limbo and you'll start to feel better once you take the upper hand

WTaF?!!

The controlling, selfish arsehole!
You have every right to be bloody furious at this OP.

He doesn't get to dump & run (including his DC!) AND to call the shots on how long he fancies having you wait for him to make his mind up.

He's either keeping you as a back up in case a shiny new life doesn't materialise for him - or he's realised how much a divorce will cost him & is reluctant to take the financial hit.

What is your living set-up - own or rent? Marital assets? You need to put all (if any) of that in front of an experienced divorce lawyer. You don't need to wait. It's not something you need his permission for.

@KettrickenSmiled own home - via inheritance from my family. I also have a property that is rented which I purchased before marriage. It’s a mess as although it’s all in my name it obviously doesn’t matter when you’re married. No savings worth talking about. It’s putting me off divorcing at the thought of losing my home that has been in the family for generations. (Nothing majorly fancy but it’s the sentiment - and I’m kicking myself for my stupidity for not protecting my finances)

Aaaaw shit OP.

Find a lawyer on Monday. Please - waste no time in getting ahead of your STBeXH. Talk to that lawyer about H's abandonment - especially of the DC - about how most of the family wealth came via you, & that it is YOU he has left 'holding the baby' so to speak.

You may be able to ensure that the majority of the marital asset stays with you - who will look after the DC with it. Compared with him - who has effectively abandoned them.
You might be able to get away with a clean break pay-off. Depends how desperate H is. Please get the best advice you can afford.

@KettrickenSmiled he will ignore divorce paperwork until forced into it. Once he sees a solicitor and discusses entitlement then I’m sure he will push for what he can get. He earns++ but no savings as he wastes it on weekend benders.
I put in for child maintenance - he asked for it us to arrange it between ourselves which I did but he was hit & miss (mostly miss). So 3 months went by and I have put in for it again, he asked me to cancel so he could properly set up an agreement. His first payment should have been Friday but so sign of it. He should have also had the DC today but decided to go the pub and is having them tomorrow apparently. I am as patient as they come but he’s pulling all the strings and were not even together 😔
thanks for your replies

he will ignore divorce paperwork until forced into it.
Your lawyer will force it if necessary - don't worry about that.

Once he sees a solicitor and discusses entitlement then I’m sure he will push for what he can get. He earns++ but no savings as he wastes it on weekend benders.
Whereas YOU budget to provide for DC & your futures, & can prove this, so need to retain the larger share of the asset split.

I put in for child maintenance - he asked for it us to arrange it between ourselves which I did but he was hit & miss (mostly miss).
Yeah don't negotiate ANYTHING with his again informally.
Everything needs to be documented & served by your lawyer.

So 3 months went by and I have put in for it again, he asked me to cancel so he could properly set up an agreement.
Ha ha ha. What an obvious ploy, & what a loser he is.

His first payment should have been Friday but so sign of it. He should have also had the DC today but decided to go the pub and is having them tomorrow apparently. I am as patient as they come but he’s pulling all the strings and were not even together 😔
Deep breaths. Part of this is flakiness, part of it is control - as you say, pulling your strings.
Frankly - you could decide to simply stop arranging anything with him.
Let him come to you.

When you have your lawyer, send a letter saying "childcare arrangements to be court ordered" & if he doesn't stick to them - he loses out. He doesn't get to juggle & swap because he likes needling you or keeping you on your toes. It's not fair on the kids.

thanks for your replies
No worries. You have put up with an awful lot. No more Mrs Nice Guy from you!!!

He just can't face any kind of responsibility, including the consequences of his own actions. That's who he is, and you can't change him. Focus on your own life going forwards and stop trying to make sense of this non-adult. x