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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive partner

18 replies

Bluemoon22 · 27/08/2022 19:24

Hi, i have posted on here about my partner abusing me mentally/sexually and recently there was an incident where he threw a big pot of yoghurt at me full force infront of our child. I don't know what to do. My partner has hacked all my social media accounts and email. He also hacked this account and read everything i had put on here about him then closed the account. I have changed all my passwords to everything now. I have no money and only a part time job. My family won't help me they think i'm being over dramatic and should stick it out for our child. They also don't want me to inform the police as it will ruin his career and he won't be able to pay child support if we do split. I'm exhausted by it all i just don't know what to do

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 27/08/2022 19:26

contact woman’s aid.

Original poster
Bluemoon22 · 27/08/2022 19:29

@GrazingSheep i contacted womens aid after the yoghurt pot incident. They gave me some local DA charities to contact but i don't want to take my child to a refuge/hostel

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 27/08/2022 20:51

The choice is yours. A refuge or a violent household. I know which one I would choose for my child. A refuge is temporary, being around abuse will stay with your child for a lifetime.

Str8talker · 27/08/2022 20:53

We've led you to the water. Will you drink or not? It's your choice.

DPotter · 27/08/2022 20:57

Sometimes you have to take a step into the unknown for there to be hope of improving the situation.

Your child is witnessing domestic violence - this will damage them. You are the only adult in your child's life who can may the change to improve your life.

In a refuge you will have help to find new accommodation sort out your financial situation and most importantly there will be no violence. Surely this is better than your child seeing their mother being beaten up or worse ? You have hidden depths of strength - take the plunge and move to the refuge and look forward to a brighter future.

Please do your child this favour

TheLizardQueen · 27/08/2022 21:13

I remember your post,’please do what you can to get away. Womens Aid will help. Please run as fast as you can x

londonlass71 · 27/08/2022 21:15

No one can help you if you won't help yourself. Everyone has told you what to do. I'm sorry but if you'd rather stay in a dangerous situation than go to a refuge I really don't know what to tell you.

HyggeandTea · 27/08/2022 21:19

@Bluemoon22 I'm sorry, and I know it seems obvious from the outside saying 'just leave', 'go to a refuge' etc, but I understand it really isn't so easy to do.
If you are in imminent danger of physical harm, then you have little choice I'm afraid, but my experience with Women's Aid was that I felt listened to and nurtured. I borrowed some money from a friend to move out and talked to a solicitor arranged by Women's Aid. I didn't feel I was in imminent danger of physical harm, although substantial threats were later made and the act of leaving prompted some awful behaviour from ex, so have a decent plan.
Some family members supported me, most thought I was over-reacting and having some sort of breakdown. It was really tough, but we're all coming out the other side in one piece. It seems like a bad dream sequence now when I look back.
Also, is there absolutely no one who can help you or take you in? A friend or might a family member reconsider if you sit down and explain?

Original poster
Bluemoon22 · 27/08/2022 21:22

I just feel so stuck. I'm crying every single day and just want to scream at the top of my voice. I want to take my child and run but i'm so so scared of the unknown and also i will lose my family over this. I just feel so alone. If my family don't believe me then why would anyone else

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluemoon22 · 27/08/2022 21:27

@HyggeandTea thank you. It really isn't easy at all. He wouldn't physically batter me or worse although never say never right because he wouldn't want to lose his job and he cares too much about his image. Its the mental torture i can't take anymore. My mum has no room at all, i even said we could take our airbed and sleep in the living room and she refused. After he hacked all my accounts a fw nights ago i called my dad crying. He came and picked me and DC up at 10.30pm and took us to his but the atmosphere was awful. The next morning said we couldn't stay and him and his partner don't need this stress im their lives its not fair on them.

OP posts:
YoSofi · 27/08/2022 21:56

A refuge is temporary. If you have reported the domestic abuse you are put in a higher banding for local authority housing, the refuge will help you find safe housing.

I know it seems impossible, and so scary but your life could be so different this time next year if you can take that first step x

Dery · 28/08/2022 00:17

It’s a shame your parents are so useless. Do you have friends you can stay with? If not, I suggest going to a refuge as soon as you can. You will get sensitive and careful help and support there.

Original poster
Bluemoon22 · 28/08/2022 08:53

@Dery i only have about 3 friends and they all have their own families and no room.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 28/08/2022 09:23

The refuge is not forever. You will go on the housing register to get a home of your own and will probably become a priority. That's what happened to my daughter. In the end she rented privately.

You can leave. My daughter had £10 to her name when she left. We did give her lots of practical and emotional support and it's a shame that you don't have that from your parents. The refuge didn't do much because we were around. If she hadn't got that then they would have provided the support for her.

I really think leaving is your ONLY choice.

Original poster
Bluemoon22 · 28/08/2022 10:23

@knittingaddict i really really want to leave. I want to report him so bad

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 28/08/2022 10:25

If you stay then your child has to witness whatever this man does. A yoghurt pot today, a fist tomorrow.....

knittingaddict · 28/08/2022 10:31

Please do it, for your child's sake.

My daughter left, went to a refuge, went on the Freedom Course and eventually reported to the police. There were children to consider.

It didn't end as we would hope, but she is out of that awful relationship and building a better life. None of us regret a thing despite the hardships.

Sux2buthen · 28/08/2022 10:40

I took three children with me to a refuge.
We are free now, they are there to help and they know all you will need to know to move forward from there.
You really must leave, your child will grow up thinking that's how men are supposed to be if you don't.
I didn't up and leave straight away but once I saw my children starting to normalise the way things were and trying to comfort me (3 years old at the time) I knew I couldn't let them grow up like it.
Can't put a price on calm.
There's a forum for women on womens aid where there are people that haven't left yet, are leaving or have left. I found it very helpful and supportive
Good luck

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