Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I OTT to cut ties with my inlaws?

8 replies

RoundTheClock · 27/08/2022 16:52

Have been together with my DH for over decade, all the years I have felt like an outsider in his family, PILs have been polite and civil with me but there is not much of a relationship, they seem not to be very interested in me like they couldn't care less if I was there or not. They are nice to kids, visit occasionally, they like to hug others if they haven't seen people in a while or on special occasions like Christmas or birthdays, I never get any of that, they just say hi and ask me how am I doing. I have not done anything bad to them, never said a crossed word.
My DH works away so when he is home all communication is only through him, it's like I don't exist then, when DH is away they contact me to arrange a get together, see kids, again all nice, having a chat, jokes etc but not much of a family closeness, bye & see you soon. Over the years I have sort of accepted it, after all I am their DIL.
The final straw was over a month ago when I lost my dad, very sudden and unexpected. MIL sent me a condolence message, nothing from my FIL and that's about it. No communication with me ever since. Not long after my dad died, SIL had a baby, we were planning to arrange the visit, come over to see the baby, bring a gift and to congratulate. I was away dealing with my dad's stuff and my DH was coming home from work and asked FIL if he could give him a lift home from airport. Both PILs arrived, said they need to drop something off at SIL's house on the way. They turned up at SIL's house, turned off the engine and said they are all going in. DH was very surpirised, said he is tired, unprepared, has nothing to give but still PILs insisted he goes inside because he needs to see his sister and a baby. SIL also wasn't expecting any visitors so it was very awkward visit to everyone but my PILs.
I am quite hurt and angry that PILs had this secret plan to ambush DH, to get 'their' family together on the occasion when I was out of the picture for a day. Now I feel like I don't want to see them ever again. I know I am not going to miss out much as I haven't gained anything over the years. Or am I exaggerating?

OP posts:
Christmascaroll · 27/08/2022 17:10

RoundTheClock · 27/08/2022 16:52

Have been together with my DH for over decade, all the years I have felt like an outsider in his family, PILs have been polite and civil with me but there is not much of a relationship, they seem not to be very interested in me like they couldn't care less if I was there or not. They are nice to kids, visit occasionally, they like to hug others if they haven't seen people in a while or on special occasions like Christmas or birthdays, I never get any of that, they just say hi and ask me how am I doing. I have not done anything bad to them, never said a crossed word.
My DH works away so when he is home all communication is only through him, it's like I don't exist then, when DH is away they contact me to arrange a get together, see kids, again all nice, having a chat, jokes etc but not much of a family closeness, bye & see you soon. Over the years I have sort of accepted it, after all I am their DIL.
The final straw was over a month ago when I lost my dad, very sudden and unexpected. MIL sent me a condolence message, nothing from my FIL and that's about it. No communication with me ever since. Not long after my dad died, SIL had a baby, we were planning to arrange the visit, come over to see the baby, bring a gift and to congratulate. I was away dealing with my dad's stuff and my DH was coming home from work and asked FIL if he could give him a lift home from airport. Both PILs arrived, said they need to drop something off at SIL's house on the way. They turned up at SIL's house, turned off the engine and said they are all going in. DH was very surpirised, said he is tired, unprepared, has nothing to give but still PILs insisted he goes inside because he needs to see his sister and a baby. SIL also wasn't expecting any visitors so it was very awkward visit to everyone but my PILs.
I am quite hurt and angry that PILs had this secret plan to ambush DH, to get 'their' family together on the occasion when I was out of the picture for a day. Now I feel like I don't want to see them ever again. I know I am not going to miss out much as I haven't gained anything over the years. Or am I exaggerating?

Was the condolences message sent by your MIL on behalf of them both?

LookItsMeAgain · 27/08/2022 17:52

Condolences on the loss of your dad. You and he must have been close.

You said that you and your DH were planning to visit his sister but had either you or he mentioned this planned visit to your inlaws? If you had, then yeah, I wouldn't be happy with the ambushed visit to the sister. If you hadn't, they were unaware of it so they weren't to know.

90% of the communication from my DH's family goes through him and I think the rest goes on the family Whatsapp chat that I'm part of. Do you have a Whatsapp for his side of the family and are you part of it?

TedMullins · 27/08/2022 18:02

I’m not seeing what the issue is. What do you want from them that you’re not getting? You married your husband not his whole family.

Chdjdn · 27/08/2022 18:10

Im sorry for the loss of your dad.
I’m not sure it sounds like an ambush and actually I wonder if it’s less about them taking your DH to see the baby and more their lack of support since your dad died which is very hurtful.
I’m not sure I’d cut ties but I do think your DH needs to say something to them along the lines of you are part of their family and to exclude you and not to offer any support is not what you expect in a family. I’d take a step back from talking to them when your DH is away and see them on a needs must basis

Original poster
RoundTheClock · 27/08/2022 18:13

Condolence message was sent just from my MIL, FIL wasn't meantioned in it.
There is a Whatsapp chat yes though I was added to that 2 years after it was first created and only because my DH asked FIL to add me. It has been very quiet since then, they prefer to send private messages to each other.
As per visiting new baby maybe I was naive thinking that it doesn't need an explanation that we will be visiting all together as a family so didn't bring up the subject to inlaws. It's the secretness of it that bugs me. One time when I wasn't around they plotted to do this without telling anyone whilst I was dealing with losing a parent. Just makes me feel like my presence is not desired or valued.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 27/08/2022 18:19

I think your expectations of what a relationship with PIL should be like are likely clouding this. It doesn't really seem like they've done anything wrong except not be hugely close to you. I think it's acceptable for them to want the odd occasion with your DH without you, I doubt it's personal to you, just that he is their son.

I'm sorry you've lost your dad, that's a really tough thing to deal with. It's possible that's this is impacting your feelings about your ILs more than you realise.

vdbfamily · 27/08/2022 18:26

I think it would be totally OTT to cut ties over this. These are your husband's parents. Why would they not communicate through them. Do your parents communicate to you via your DH? My FIL has never messaged me about anything ever in 20 years but I care about him and for him because he is the father of my DH. What it is important to remember is that people relate in very different ways and what you see as normal might be totally not how another family relate. Your relationship with them sounds amazing in comparison to what I had with my in laws. I think you should be counting your blessings.

naomi81 · 27/08/2022 18:27

Sorry about your Dad 💐
Relationship with in laws sounds good to me although yes would have expected abit more than a condolence text message.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread