Does staying together for the kids ever work?

[farthingwood5]

Married 8 years, two young children. We are currently living separately because I found another example of OH ‘cheating’ - messaging a woman he socialises with at his hobby, going for meals with her after matches, texts complimenting her, has asked her to go for a drink and also while I was on holiday with the kids last year he swapped numbers with a woman in the pub and asked her to meet for a drink.

Over the years there has been lots of instances of inappropriate messages with random women, never further than that and gone into physical cheating (that I have proof of) but it’s taken a huge toll on my self esteem and MH. He’s also very moody and goes out to his hobby for hours and I never bother him, but will pester me if I ever go out. Also withholds affection more if we aren’t having sex often enough and gets arsey with me if I don’t go to bed when he does, because he’s horny.

he’s now promising the world if we get back together and is desperate to stay together. My son is really really struggling with the split.

Part of me thinks I should just relent and stay together for the kids? Does that ever work?

I'd say it only works well when you both agree that things are wrong, but that it's salvageable and you both commit fully to putting it right and restoring a healthy, functioning family, for the sake of the children and indeed for everyone. Yes it might be a little rocky and yes it will take time, but if both are indeed giving it their best shot then it can pay off

If you mean one partner putting up with shit from the other (such as a serial cheat who is only motivated to learn to lie better) then I don't think those are good circumstances to even make an attempt.

As someone whose parents did this, please don't. It might feel more convenient for you but will mess them up and give them all the wrong unconscious expectations and patterns for relationships.

This question pops up roughly every fortnight on mumsnet. It’s a resounding ‘no’ each time.

Never. It causes misery, bitterness and resentment.
Sitting down and proposing a plan of action, whereby you can either sort things out, or agree to part, is far more productive ( in my view).

Sorry, I didn’t realise this question comes up all the time. It’s just hard seeing my son struggle when I know it’s mostly based on me being unhappy in the relationship and whether it would be better for him if I just suck it up for a few years

Nope. It made us miserable as kids. You could tell they didn't love eachother. No holding hands or a hug with eachother. Sitting at the opposite sides of the room, it was awkward and tense. I was glad when my dad left with us. (Mum had multiple affairs and didn't want us kids, so my dad left with us).

Nope. Kids are very perceptive and they feel the discomfort even if you 'fake it to make it'. You're teaching them what their future relationships could look like too.

For anyone I know that had to endure this as children, the answer is always no. It's not good to stay together for the sake of the children.

No, don’t suck it up. Children do not benefit from having miserable parents. They learn bad lessons about relationships.

Your relationship with your H is the relationship model that your son is learning from and it’s a bad model because your H is selfish, untrustworthy, controlling and a sex pest who thinks he’s entitled to your body.
You really don’t want back with him.

A good man - a man with the right instincts - would never have treated you the way he has. And this in 8 years of marriage. This isn’t your H going off the rails after 25/30 years of impeccable behaviour. It really didn’t take him long to start shitting on your marriage. It’s nigh on certain that this nasty behaviour will resume if you take him back because that’s who he is.

Keep away. Let your son have the benefit of a mother who is happy modelling what is and what isn’t acceptable in a relationship and who chooses being single over a bad relationship. It will be much better for you all.

I know two families for whom this worked well. They stayed together until the children left home. Twenty/thirty years later, everyone involved still thinks it was the best course of action.

But there wasn't adultery in those cases. And there was mutual respect - obviously there's no respect in this relationship from the cheating partner.

a couple who have become more good friends than lovers can stay together for the kids. If you still liked one another and legitimately enjoyed spending time together, but had just lost the passion, then staying married could be very successful. Sometimes couples even get the passion back eventually.

If there is actual animosity and a lack of trust, it’s pointless. The kids know. As hard as your child may be taking the split, it will be even harder living in a tension filled home.

“Does staying together for the kids ever work?”
Work for who? The objective being what?

My parents stayed together for the kids and I really wish they hadn’t. I felt like they resented us for keeping them together, even though (as an adult) I know it was a decision made with the best of intentions.

They also (unintentionally) didn’t really set good examples of what a loving, affectionate adult relationship should look like because they never kissed, cuddled or even looked at each other with that fondness of two people who actually want to be together – because they didn’t.

As an adult I can see that it made financial and practical sense for them to stay together whilst we were all at home (stability/familiarity of home, school, friends, etc.) but as a child I just saw a distance between them, a reservation, a holding back.

Guess who has a real hard time with showing and receiving affection now as an adult?

So please, think long and hard about the wider implications of “staying together for the kids”.

No.

Think about what it teaches the children about relationships and the kind of relationships they might go on to have because of what they've seen growing up.

How would you feel if your children grew up to either cheat on their partner and treat them badly or were in a relationship where they were treated badly because to them it's normal because it's what they grew up with.

Stick to your guns, you and your kids deserve better, even if it's hard in the moment. As a parent, you make many hard decisions that make you unpopular in the moment but you do it because it's the right thing in the long run.