My partner and I have been together for four years. He's autistic and has a very wounded childhood and relationship history, so as you can imagine, it's not been an easy ride at times.
I ended things last night and it truly feels like a death.
The four years has been pulling teeth with commitment. Every hurdle always filled him with massive anxiety and it would be a bloody battle to get there.
I remember for the first year he would keep me at arms length to a point we barely did anything. For the first 18 months literally no one in his family knew I existed. Then he wanted to take a job up north for a year. It took him 2 years to say "I love you".
The battle we've been in is moving in together. Which was vital to me. Partly because we lived 45 minutes apart and it was ridiculous going back and forth with two rents. Partly because I just wanted to build a proper home and have real financial security and stability.
He agreed in November 2019 that if I stayed with him whilst he took a job up north at the end of his contract we'd buy a house. I did that but at the end of his contract he said he needed more time. This got extended twice.
We saved a house deposit, but nothing would ever happen. Subject changes, mysterious headaches. It was just not happening. I didn't have enough to buy on my own, and after losing my business in the pandemic I fell into debt.
I reached a point where I told him it was shit or bust. That I could no longer afford my flat, so I was letting it go. I gave three months notice and said if he didn't figure things out by the deadline I would move up north where I could afford to be and he'd be on his own.
He agreed, but then time went by and he just made excuses of why every property was no good. In the end it got to moving day and we still had nowhere :( 😞 it was one of the most stressful things ever.
He helped me pack and I moved into his tiny 1 bedroom flat with him with no space for my things or for my child (at university).
He was in ways lovely to me. He made it obvious he wanted me to live with him. Bought me things for the house. Loved me in little ways like batch cooking my lunches or setting up my workspace.
But he still wasnt engaging looking at houses. Every house wasn't good enough for some reason, so i told him we'd rent instead so it was less of a permanent decision but that I needed a house NOW.
Added to this my beautiful child wanted to come home for August after time working over the summer and I had no bedroom. It devastated me. We had to muck around with inflatable mattresses and hotels.
And I started to really panic. I walked out twice In two weeks because I was getting so angry. Each time he'd act like he was doing something to get me back, and then I'd come back and nothing happened. I've gotten sick with anxiety.
The fights got explosive the last week, with me being really angry and bitter. So he then used this to rationalise it. "How can I get a lease or a mortgage with you if things are so unstable?" Which drove me every more mad.
So I went off to stay at my parents with my child. Then yesterday I gave my partner an ultimatum that I needed a proper home and to be protected and treated like we were a team, or I was gone.
He said he loved me but he didn't feel safe. He said I had a home with him but he felt too unsafe to give me what I needed. He said, what if we had a fight and he had no safe place to go. He said what if I left him and he couldn't afford the rent and ended up homeless. I pointed out those were exactly the things which he'd allowed to happen to me.
He was a homeless young person. He's been abused. He has no template or experience of a happy home. I understand him. But I know at some point he has to be capable of not throwing me under a bus for self preservation.
I feel dreadful right now. I'm effectively homeless. Mum and Dad's couch. I'm ill with anxiety. My future now seems bleak and confusing. My child has no stable home. I can't see how anyone would rent me a house alone in my position. And my best friend and beloved partner is gone.
The break up was horrible. He never cried, but he was crying like a baby. Being autistic, there's this innocence that tugs your heart. He said there would always be a bed for me if I needed it. And that if I needed help, money or anything, to come to him. I said I wanted no contact so I could move on and I'd be blocking him on everything.
That really broke the dam and he was sobbing. He choked out that he would worry. And how did he know I would be safe or looked after. He asked if I'd be with people who loved me. He kept crying saying he didn't want me to be sad and alone, which I think was what he was when he was a homeless teen. He stayed awake all night crying. I have never seen anybody so sad. Then he said he didn't understand how to not be with someone if he loved them. He said he didn't understand because he'd never loved anybody like he loved me.
It was horrible.
I woke up after an hours sleep and keep vomiting. I can't believe this has happened. I've no idea what to do with my life. And I can't believe I have to live it without him. We had so many plans and dreams and now there is nothing.
I'm in so much pain.