I feel completely lost

[Inamess2022]

I’m sitting here writing this message in absolute bits I have very recently left a toxic abusive relationship which had numerous issues (blended family issues, just so many issues, so many arguments in the last six months in particular) I thought I was doing the best for my son and I (not my ex’s child but he had been in his life for six years) I feel like an utter failure , I have supportive parents and friends, he took all his items and furniture from my home in a not nice way and now I’m trying to rebuild but I woke up today and my old fridge from storage has stopped working. I know it’s innocuous but it’s just tipped me over the edge, I have overwhelming feelings of not being able to cope, perhaps I should have just stayed in what I was in, I cannot see that what I have done is positive at all.

It’s like I’ve lived in this kind of state of putting up with this up and down relationship that I don’t know how to be anymore. I’m not sleeping now, I have a horrible anxious feeling constantly in my throat, an urge to keep checking his social media. I am accessing counselling and have been prescribed anti depressants and anxiety tablets but I don’t see an end to this 😞

I know it's a cliche but the only thing that will make you feel better is time. You will have to go through the emotions. Try and block him on all social media too. Look after yourself, get someone to look after your son for a night or 2 and get a massage or spend a girly night with friends. Try and keep busy. You have made the best decision. Your child deserves to grow up in a non toxic environment. And so do you.

Such a low ebb this morning that I had the urge to contact him and say you were right I won’t be able to cope 😞😞 And I know instinctively that would be a crazy terrible decision and I don’t want him back, well I want the nice person I loved six years ago, I don’t want this vile nasty man who verbally slaughtered me and made me feel constantly bad for not “loving” his kids like my own child 😞😞

I promise although you can’t see it now, you have absolutely done the right thing and your life will be so much happier on the other side.

You’re at the lowest point right now, you’re grieving the life you wanted and the man you thought he was.

You will get through this but it’s going to take time.

I’m glad you’re accessing help, keep talking on here if it helps also. Check FreeCycle and Marketplace etc for replacement furniture.

It won’t be like this forever, and you have done the right thing for you and your child. You both deserve better x

This is a man that started a massive argument in front of his son five months ago, I asked him to leave the house for his sons sake as I will not subject any child to that behaviour whether mine or not, I was then blamed for the subsequent following months that his children couldn’t come and stay “because of me”. We had some horrific arguments when we were on our own, he got in my face, shoved me on occasion, threw stuff around but then would be remorseful, typical abuser behaviour. I knew deep down it would never get any better and I didn’t want my son growing older and thinking that was in anyway how you treat a woman or that was normal 😞😞

I have a lovely kind little boy, fantastic parents and who have stepped up for me massively and some lovely friends I just feel it’s shameful at 41 to be in this position. I had a long relationship/marriage to my university boyfriend that broke down after 16 years as we had become very distant and more like functional housemates, this break up feels far far worse. I don’t really know how to be single it’s been 22 years of two not great relationships 😞😞 Sorry for spilling my guts out just having a massive panic 😞

If there was abuse involved, which it sounds like there was, have you looked up trauma bonds? It makes the relationship feel so much harder.

There is absolutely no shame in leaving an abuser, in time you will realise this and be proud of yourself for putting your children first and leaving.

So much harder to leave*

Maybe I had become so used to the up and down dynamic of it, he would leave, come back crying sorry etc things will change, then I’d give him another chance but really he just wanted me to change a lot about me 😞 I was never truly comfortable about being a stepmum, often felt like an accessory in his life, he was 16 years older with three kids and an ex wife who he strongly believed in co parenting with, to the point where sometimes I just didn’t know where I fit in at all. When his kids did come and stay they monopolised the house, the tv, I would often after putting my own son to bed come upstairs to the bedroom and read whilst they were all downstairs. Then I was accused of being “socially awkward and anti social”.

Also it’s only now as I’m redoing my house that I see how little he actually did for my son and I, he always made me feel like I didn’t “appreciate him” enough so he’d put up a paddling pool and mow the lawn (isn’t that what normal couples do?!?) and say he broke his back doing it etc etc..we always had to make a huge deal when his kids came, almost like he had to deep clean, make special meals, be so OTT.