I am really hurt by my parents

[smurfgirl]

I am sure some people will see this as pathetic and needy.

I always ring my parents - they never ever ring me, and often when I ring they can't wait to get off the phone.

So 2 weeks ago I decided that enough was enough and I was going to stop chasing.

Since then my dad has rang me once for 20 minutes (and spent most of that time asking about my partners new job), and my mum was too busy to speak to me then.

So its been 2 weeks since I last spoke to my mum even though I have rang them every few days for the past 5 years since I moved away from home.

I have no other brothers and sisters, they work normal full time M-F jobs and are not too poor to afford the phone call.

I am having a really tough time at the moment and I am so upset about this because it just makes me feel so rejected and unwanted.

I have loads of lovely things to tell my mum too - I know I could ring her but its the principle for me. She cannot even be arsed to speak to me in 2 weeks and they have not wondered why I have not rang them in 2 weeks

No words of wisdom but have a (((hug)))

Smurfgirl, pop onto the Stately Homes thread.

And you are not pathetic and needy. You just want your mother to be a mother, and your father to be a father. And just show interest in you and your life like they care!

Honestly, go onto the thread above...no doubt more of us from it will be popping on to post here soon...

hugs for now xxxx

I have read that thread a bit ally90 and i am not sure if it applies really. I think they do love me very much - they just don't seem to have the same need for me as I have for them.

I have talked about this in therapy today so I think thats why I am so upset.

I feel a bit guilty reading this, because I am to my parents as your parents are to you. They always have to do the phoning. I just hate using the phone. Or rather making a phone call. It's ridiculous I know. I love them and am interested in their lives. But I just have this thing with the telephone.

Perhaps tell them how you feel about them not showing an interest in your life? Because if they love you, they will be interested in you being upset about it and try to meet you halfway. You don't have to keep quiet about it when they love you. Communication is the key to getting what you need from the relationship. (Speaks she who is crap at communiticating }.

but that's just not fair

you have unilaterally decided to do something in the expecatation that they will realise

for the last 5 years you have rung them, and suddenly you haven't rung them for 2 weeks .. did you actually tell them what the problem was? did you meantion that you want them to call you? they might feel that if you're not calling them (which is what you have got them used to) then you don't want to speak to them .. at which point your mother most probably will get the huff

think you're being a bit daft to be honest

if you want to change a relationship, all the participants in that relationship need to know the score

you can't do it on your own and make them guess .. they'll guess wrong

and you'll be miserable

oh look you are

c'mon smurfgirl pick up the phone fgs

Have talked to them shit loads about being sick of them never ringing.

Am miserable for other reasons too, am complex.

but why are you making THIS into an issue

it's just their way .. maybe they feel it's up to you to call

I just think some things you can't change .. and you're now trying to change something that is making you miserable

you miss your mum .. call her

Because I am fucked up at the moment and it doesn't matter.

Listen to me smurfgirl .. I am not having a go

but I am telling you to call your mum

be the bigger woman here and pick up the phone

it sounds like you need her

I've got to agree with ally. If it were so simple, why is there no open communication going on between you and your parents? I'm sure in their way, they do love you, but it is strange that they are so emotionally distant. It really doesn't sound like you are thinking "Well, I'm not going to ring them, so there!" because SMurfgirl, your pain sounds quite deep from the tone of your posts.

Twig you are talking a lot of sense

Message withdrawn

It is difficult for us to comment, because we don't know the history of the relationship with your parents. If this is one of a culmination of hurtful behaviours that have finally come to a head, then I think you need to explore your relationship with them further.
If,　as TWiglett says, this is just a tit for tat (which I doubt), then you yourself know this in your heart, and should probably call them up. But because you've already laid your cards on the table and told them many times that their distant behaviour is hurtful and they still haven't changed, then I suspect this stand off is not your fault.

smurfgirl

I would urge you to post again here if you can or even on the Stately homes thread. It certainly does matter that you are up - what happened to you?.

My parents are like yours - emotionally distant too. However, such people rarely if ever change because this is deeply ingrained behaviour. My guess is as well they've always been like this and you've only recently realised. That in itself is very painful.

For what its worth too I would agree with Sakura and ally - there is far more to this and you have alluded to as much.

Smurfgirl, if you have spoken to them, and nothing has changed, your parents, I suspect have been emotionally neglectful of you as a child. Which is also what the stately homes thread is for. Those who have not been nurtured by their families.

But I guess this could be the least of your worries at the moment, feel like telling us what else is going on? Obviously, totally your choice.

Hi smurfgirl- just wanted to bump this for you. Please post again.

Sorry to leave this so dramatically was a bad night.

They rang on Tuesday.

I am ok, just having a pants time at the moment with some stuff so am v.overreating about things!

I am talking about my parents in therapy too which is tough but there we go.

smurfgirl- I am on the thread that ally and sakura mentioned.
When I first read the thread (original thread) I didnt think it applied to me at all. I had originally posted on my own thread in a similar vein to yours.
I was in the midst of preparing for a christening for ds and I felt like none of my family could be bothered.
It was so hard to put my finger on the real problem and thanks to being on that thread I've gained a lot more clarity and feel like I get a lot of support and understanding there.
I obviously dont know your story, but would like to know more if you feel you can. I just feel there is a lot of hurt and pain around your parents, and if I can be of any support to you let me know.
You sound like you are feeling better...so no pressure . And hugs to you.

How are you doing Smurfgirl? Something else to bear in mind, how we are as adults has its roots in how we were treated as children (thinking of you in therapy...). And I'm afraid on the other thread we have antenna for other people who have a difficult/unhappy relationship with their parents...if you need any support or just to vent your feelings feel free to do it here or on the other thread. Whereever you are comfortable. Or not at all... your choice and decision.

Just hope your doing okay.