I thought I was over it but apparently I'm not

[chocolatetwister]

So about 2 months ago Dp sat me down and told me he cheated while he was away with some mates for the weekend. He was extremely distressed and apologetic, told me everything, answered any and all questions from my side. He didn't have sex with anyone but it was still being unfaithful and a huge betrayal of trust and he knows this.

I genuinely believe he is deeply sorry and massively regrets it. It was a one off, stupid mistake that was extremely out of character. To say I was shocked about this revelation is a huge understatement, I never believed in a million years he would be capable of something like this, he has even been cheated on himself by his ex long term partner.

I really want us to stay together despite this because our relationship is so good otherwise. He's absolutely the best partner I could ever wish for in every other way and I really don't want this stupid 5 minute (or less) decision to destroy everything that we had and the lovely life we are building together.

But I'm struggling with it. I didn't say a lot of the things that I was thinking when he first told me because he was so upset (crying and shaking) that my instinct was to try and make him feel better and since I knew I wanted us to stay together I wondered what the point would be in sticking the boot in and making him feel worse? I've told him I forgive him, which I do, and I want to move past it and not keep bringing it up but at the same time I can't forget it.

I've realised that, as much as I want to, I don't fully trust him any more and I don't know how to fix this or move past it. I'm having dreams where he cheats again and hides things from me so it's clearly in my mind whether I think I'm ok or not.

Sorry for the lengthy post but I really need some help and I can't talk to anyone IRL.

you poor thing. I think he confessed to feel better.

He threw a sandbag over board, and now he feels absolved.

It's on you now.

Horrible situation for you. Tell him you need space to process it.

After somebody cheats it's like a whole new (worse) contract imo.

I think what's worst about this whole thing is that the incident in question happened 3 months before he told me about it. So he'd been intentionally lying (albeit by omission) that whole time and I had absolutely no idea, no clue at all that anything was different. There was nothing 'off' at all. I can't help but wonder now if there's anything else he's hiding from me, every time he looks a bit out of sorts (tired/upset/deep in thought etc) I wonder if he's about to give me another revelation. I even asked him if something hadn't prompted him telling me would he have just kept it a secret forever and he said yes he probably would have. It's the lying about it that is worse than the act itself if you see what I mean.

He travels quite a bit to go to events and see friends around the country and now I can't help wondering if this is going to happen again whereas before I would have been totally happy for him to go and enjoy himself. He's been invited on a weekend abroad with some mates and I didn't realise until that moment just how scared I am he's going to do it again. I absolutely don't believe he will, but then I never thought he ever would in the first place..

I just hate feeling like this.

You need to tell friends. It's real. And by pretending it's not, you won't be able to work through things.

You haven't forgiven him. Hence the dreams forgiveness takes time and effort so you can't do it in an instant.

Youre trying to sweep this under the carpet when actually you need to be digging deeper.

How long have you been together?

Good points!

@Pineappleskies about 18 months. We live together and have done for a while.

You are right but I don't have many friends IRL, and everyone who knows him and I think that everything is great. Which it is, apart from this one thing! I don't know I guess despite what's happened I don't want anyone to think less of him. I don't want them to be angry or annoyed on my behalf. None of his friends know either, he is truly ashamed of his actions.

I do think I was a bit naive thinking I could be over it so quickly and with so little discussion or work. I guess I love him so much I was just really desperate to go back to normal and pretend like it never happened 😞

If your relationship is as good as you believe it is, you should be able to discuss this.

It's not about blaming him, or any kind of punishment, it's about you and your needs

Im sorry, thats rotten. I dont blame you for not being over it. If he'd told you straight away it would be more in line with the idea of a foolish mistake, horriified at himself, lesson learned.

The many weeks-long secret is a HUGE deal. It shows youthat he won't tell you something bad unless his hand is forced. That's not really what you want in a partner.

You said you forgave him quickly (or tried to) because you know you want to stay together - have you explored why you are so set on that? Is it because you don't want the lovely future you had planned taken from you? Thats totally understandable if it is that, but I'd say to you to think about whether that future can actually exist in the same way again. It's not like you have a 20 year history of fidelity and then one drunken kiss. He's only been with you a year and a bit, and a decent chunk of that has been spent hiding something really hurtful. Are you that's what you want?

@Rogue1001MNer you make a good point. I did think that at the time actually, that I was so concerned about his distress that took priority I didn't want to embarrass him by telling anyone else about it. I thought I would just be fine dealing with it on my own.

But what about my distress? Who's helping me with that? Normally it would be him but in this instance he's the one who's caused it 😞 Which I can hardly believe I'm even saying because under normal circumstances he is the nicest, kindest, most morally upstanding person you'd ever meet. It still seems like a bad joke in a way.

I'm angry at him. I haven't told him that but I am. I'm furious that he chose to jeopardise our relationship and everything we have. Despite it only been a relatively short relationship we have been so great for each other that I know we can both see this going the distance. In fact that was one of his insane reasons for doing what he did - he said that he was extremely drunk and realised that he was going to be with me forever and this was his last chance. As soon as he'd done it he sobered up and realised he'd massively fucked up but obviously that doesn't make me feel any better. It's not good justification at all. To me, if he felt that strongly about me it would be all the more reason to not even consider doing anything that would risk my relationship. But then I realise that many many people (myself included) make terrible decisions when drunk and I can understand it if not condone it.

@Rodion that is very much how I'm feeling. The fact that he admitted he would have continued lying about it forever if he wasn't forced to come clean makes it even worse. I now know that he is the type of person who will lie to me about something extremely important.

I almost feel like he's gotten away Scot free. He's got to keep his relationship and hasn't really had to sacrifice anything or atone for what he did. He apologised (profusely) and that's it, everything went back to normal. I almost wonder if that hasn't given him carte blanche to fuck with me more because he knows/thinks I'll just forgive him and move on. I can't believe I'm writing this, it feels crazy to say about someone like him and maybe my mind is completely running away with me but HE did this to me! He's MADE me think this way through his actions! I'm not being paranoid and making things up, it did happen. So while he's happily continuing as normal I'm in such emotional pain and I can't even talk about it? That doesn't seem fair.

I guess I'm hoping that one day we'll look back on this in 20yrs time and it be such a tiny blip on the radar as to seem insignificant. I just want to skip the part where I feel like shit and don't trust him to get to that bit.

But you can't skip the part where you feel shit because that's the part where you reflect, and observe, and consider your values and needs....all the important stuff.

It doesn't matter you told him you forgave him. You can tell him now actually you're struggling and you need time to think.

That's very true.

I do feel bad though because it's my fault for prematurely saying that I forgave him and I feel like I'm taking it back now. But what else can I do? I can't deny it or pretend I'm not still hurting over this. I'm not very good at hiding my emotions at the best of times so sooner or later he'll figure it out anyway.

I just keep thinking why me? Out of all the partners you've had, including one who cheated on you and hurt you really badly, why am I the one who you choose to do this to?

I've been through a significant amount of trauma up until this point which he knows about - haven't I been through enough?!

In previous relationships that were either abusive or just a bit crappy I, in retrospect, could and should have seen the red flags a mile off. The warning signs were there and it's on me that I ignored them because I was really desperate to be loved.

Now I FINALLY found someone who isn't an abusive arsehole, who is supportive and loving and all the things a partner should be and he STILL turns out to be just ANOTHER shitty man! Even he, who is the best partner I've ever had, can and did do this. It's just turned my whole world upside down to be honest, I've got no hope left for humanity if even he is capable of it.

But then I suppose he is only human after all. Humans fuck up, it's what we do. I've done so many times (although never cheated) Maybe I'm being too harsh.

Sorry for the essays but it feels good to let it out finally.

You don't know you're the only person he cheated on . You just know a year in he cheated (but didn't have sex? So the details may matter....a drunken fumble?)

I'm also not sure that a decent person would expect to be forgiven so easily. A sign of abusive people is they don't expect to be held to account.

His reaction if you do tell him you're having doubts will be informative, I feel.

All your points are valid (except for where you say any of this is your fault).

You make good point @Pineappleskies. He did seem to expect a much worse reaction from me. There were many, many things I wanted to say but never have because I didn't want to hurt him. Why didn't he show me the same consideration?

I think your point about not expecting to be held to account is a very important one. If I talk about this with him and he gets funny about it that may be very telling. Only one way to know!

Good luck