Close family member may be having an affair

[ParabolicCurve]

Hi,
I have a dilemma and not sure what to do in this situation.
Recently, I found out that a close family member is having an affair and not sure what to do with the info. Should I confront the person having the affair first and let them know I know or go to the spouse with the info and photos I have, or do nothing?
The marriage isn't currently great at present and they have children in their late teens.
Thanks for any advice.

People will come on here and tell you to do something. But I wouldn’t - you aren’t responsible for any hurt or hardship. You can never ever know what exactly is going on, even if you think you have solid proof. Stay away.

To me it would depend on my relationship with the person. It it’s someone I am very close with - a sister, cousin, aunt - I’d try to talk to them to see what is happening with them. I guess it ms be the same with a close friend.
In the end - if it’s a person I am close with - I am on their side no matter what, even if I disapprove of some of their choices.

But it’s your family and your relationships. You decide what you do.
Mind you - no one likes the bearer of bad news. The spouse might not like it. And family will blame your for whatever fall out that happens.

Are they definitely having an affair? Your post makes it sound sure and that you even have photo evidence but the title says "may" - the level of certainty makes a big difference as to whether you should say IMO

You're not the custodian of family relationships, deeming what is and isn't appropriate based on your own set of values. Even assuming that this behaviour is inappropriate by the couple's own standards, (who knows what's going on in their relationship), if the alleged affair is blown out into the open, family members will be forced to take sides, which will cause no end of trouble. It sounds as though you might have already decided you need to tell one party or the other. Personally I would wait and see what happens. These things often have a way of working themselves out and you could precipitate the end of their relationship when left alone, they might have worked things out or the affair might be short-lived and burn itself out. You don't have to do anything just now.

In your situation, I would see what transpires and only get involved if you believe you can actually help in some way. A the moment, you don't appear to be in that place yet.

Thanks for the responses. Its my sibling who's having an affair.
They have accidentally uploaded photos of the other person to a shared Google drive folder and had used words to describe them in the filenames in ways you wouldn't call a platonic friend.
They pics are of scenes in Country A when they should have been in Country B on a business trip and looked like a romantic getaway, so don't think it could be a colleague.
I get on better with the spouse, rather than my sibling, as do my parents and wider family (sibling isn't held in high regard anyway). I don't think there would be fallout from the wider family, only the spouse and maybe children of my sibling.

Don't say anything. I did years ago, they stayed together and guess who turned out to be the worst in the world? I wish I had never opened my mouth

I would keep out of it.

I would stay out of it. These things have a way of coming out anyway, and the messenger is always in the crossfire.

Very awkward.

Will the DW see the pics, assuming this is a Dbro?

What are your motives for wanting to tell the spouse?

Having been in a similar situation many years ago, there is no good option & I'd proceed with extreme caution, for the reads outlined by other pp.

Reasons

Could you text your sibling and suggest they remove the file sharpish from the shared drive. . That lets them know that you know without having to say a thing. Sit quietly and let the next move if any, be theirs

I think I will keep quiet for now.
Sibling is a narcissist and puts themselves first. The spouse is the complete opposite and is genuinely lovely & sibling is trying to blame them for being unreasonable. I don't think the marriage is in a particularly healthy state from what I've heard so it may run its course without my info.

"Could you text your sibling and suggest they remove the file sharpish from the shared drive. . That lets them know that you know without having to say a thing. Sit quietly and let the next move if any, be theirs"

I don't know how to quote... but this is what I was thinking. At least they know that I know without anything being said.

I think that's a good decision.
You might not get along well with your sibling at this stage in your life but people constantly grow and change, often for the better. If you make your sibling's spouse aware of what's going on, you can forget any kind of meaningful relationship with your sibling for pretty much the rest of your lives. That's not to be taken lightly. Don't write him or her off because you don't have a good relationship at this point in time. Whether or not they decide to stay together is their business but your sibling will always be your sibling. Give he or she a chance to grow. If at some point it becomes inevitable that you're drawn into a discussion then of course you can not lie, but be sure to make a distinction between supposition and fact. Hope this helps.

Yes, good decision I think. Many years ago I was in the same position, I suspected that a close relative was cheating on their partner. I wrote a letter to the person who was being cheated on but had second thoughts and did not send it. Looking back now I think it likely that they knew what was going on and had turned a blind eye for their own reasons. Bringing it all into the open would have only made things worse. Relationships are complex and private matters and it's very rarely a good idea for outsiders to interfere.

My brother in law (i'll call him Hank) had an affair with a close friend of my sister in law's (Marie).

The OW's (Skyler) husband (Walt) found out and promptly ended the relationship.
He was a very mild mannered fella and he was quite scathing about Skyler.
Marie was 🤔 cos it was so out of character for him.

Time goes by and the affair comes spilling out and causes devastation in its wake. As affairs do...

Marie called Walt afterwards and asked him if he knew.
He asked her 'would you like me to have told you'?

And she admitted that she wouldn't have wanted to hear it from Walt.

People won't necessarily thank you for saying it. I'd keep out of it, personally.

Tell the person "Heads up, I've spotted you;re having an affair. If I've noticed, maybe others have too. You're on shaky ground. " Then leave it to them.

Its absolutely not your business to inform anyone else.

in this situation, do nothing. If he was cheating on your sister, I'd tell her but that isn't what's happening.

Maybe he will see the photos on a shared google photos drive himself.

It is a bit disloyal that you would consider ''getting on'' with a brother in law well reason to blow up your sister's marriage.

She is your sister. Whether or not you ''get on better'' with your BIL

OP if you’ve seen these pics and drawn these conclusions, then could their partner see then/do the same?

• them

Stay out.