Should I just give up on my friend?

[MsSmartyPants]

I have a v v close male friend who I have known for donkeys years. Been on holiday together, helped each other through divorces, relocations, money problems, health scares. You name it, we've supported each other through it. We know each other's kids v well, have met the current partners we are with and done joint dinners etc etc

We would speak to each other virtually every week and see each other maybe once a month (we are both in London but now at different ends).

Last August (2021) he sent me a message saying he would call on his way back from holiday. He never did. I sent a message a few weeks later, he never responded. I just assumed he was really busy and I would hear in due course but nothing. I sent a merry Xmas and a happy new year message. All read but no response. Then finally a few weeks ago, one of my dcs did something I really wanted to share with him so I sent a message, he read it, no reply.

It's so out of character and he's left a massive hole in my life where our friendship used to be. I want to delete him from my phone now as otherwise the unanswered WhatsApps just stare at me!

Wwyd? I have no idea what has happened as I don't think anything changed!

For whatever reason he decided to stop being your friend a whole year ago, I know it’s painful but you need to stop trying to initiate contact now.

Well I'm going to delete him from my phone I think as it's easier

Are you sure he's ok? Would you have heard from someone else if something had happened to him?

Yes definitely. We were v close and someone would have let me know. I know he was having difficulties setting up his new business in Covid but it was all coming right at that time. He had some v dark times but I don't think that's it, I think he's just moved on sadly :(

Maybe his current partner was jealous of you and asked him not to see you anymore.

Possibly though I would like to think he would have told me. I had met her plenty of times and she had met my partner. They were about to buy a place together (they were renting at the time) so it's possible she decided the new start meant no more me!

Hi OP, I'm not making excuses saying it's ok. But I've done exactly what your friend did. During lockdown I suffered a barrage of emotional abuse from my husband, developed crippling anxiety and realised I also had adhd. My life spiralled out of control. I ended up ghosting many of my friends because I couldn't mentally cope with the seemingly simple task of replying to them. This brought on even more anxiety. What would my friends think of me not replying, how was I going to explain myself. What would they think of me if I replied weeks / months later. It's mentally crippling. It's been nearly 2 years and I still haven't messaged my best friend who was also my maid of honour at my wedding. 😔

Perhaps you could try writing them a message asking if everything is ok and letting them know you miss them. Tbh my friend did this for me and I simply replied that my mental health was in a really bad place which it was. Anyway, please don't necessarily assume the worst and that they hate you. There could be a reason behind it 😕

I'm so sorry to hear you had such an awful time @adhdforme and pleased to hear you're coming out the other end of it.

If it's any consolation, if they are good friends, they will understand when you are ready to get in contact with them again and won't be upset. I was never angry or pissed off - I was also worried at first but now it's gone on a year, I think he's just gone.

One of my oldest friends went weird on me during lockdown. I've tried to build bridges but it's clear she wants no more to do with me. It's very painful - I empathise.

I would be wondering why, worrying there was some resentment they'd not aired or I'd upset them in some way. This is why ghosting is horrible. People you've dated a few times is rude enough but a long term friend is really bad.

Thanks @AgnestaVipers - it is painful, you have my sympathy

One of my close friends started just ignoring me. I called him out on it as I found it hurtful and he admitted his partner felt uncomfortable with our friendship. I had met her countless amount of times, we even went out regularly just the two of us to spa days etc. I’m married and we would often go out as a foursome. She had no reason to be uncomfortable as the friendship was purely platonic. I just had to respect both their wishes as he was keen to make the relationship work. I backed off and left them to it.
Every now and then I would hear from him, it was usually when they had an argument and at first I liked chatting to him but overtime I felt used as once they made up, he would disappear again. Now I don’t bother with him.
It sounds like she doesn’t like the friendship and he’s sadly chosen her. Don’t delete him but just leave it be.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron I know it's so odd, so so odd.

I don't do social media (he does) but I am on LinkedIn for work reasons (I don't post but I'm listed on there!) and he has been posting on there sporadically so I don't think there's anything wrong with him. I think he's just dropped me! I don't feel sad as much as I feel bemused. We're not kids either - he's in his mid/late 50s and I'm 49! I don't think I did anything as we had the type of friendship where we would be upfront with each other if we were pissing each other off. I suspect either he just got bored of me or his partner decided she didn't want us to be friends.

I've deleted him from my phone now so I guess that's that. He knows where I am if he ever wants to get hold of me.

@Hiddenvoice it's just so I'm not tempted to reach out to him but he still has my number/knows how to find me

Sorry to hear that about your friend - how sad